Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:
50: The man who started it all...and the man I hope my son will strive to be like. Six years ago today, I walked down the isle to meet this imperfect man who was and is the perfect answer to my prayers. I stumbled upon this e-mail I wrote for reasons unknown to me now. It may not all make sense anymore, but it shows some of where we started.
All because two people fell in love.
All because two people fell in love.
Beloved,
I know that I could tell you this in person--or over the phone--but I suppose that I am reverting to old habits. In case you have not noticed (which would be almost impossible), I have been a little more touchy lately (for a myriad of reasons). I already apologized for it, but I want to explain to you why I felt it so necessary to apologize.
I am not making excuses, although we are all allowed our "off days". I view being "chipper", excitable, happy, joyful, outgoing, etc. as one of the greatest gifts God has given me and uses through me. I absolutely love cheering people up and encouraging them and just helping to make their day a little bit brighter in any way I can. And just because I can share with you all of me and all that I'm feeling does not mean that I want to expend all of that time and energy on everyone else, and give you what's left over.
I love you.
I love you.
And I want to become what you need me to be. I am not asking you to say, "It's okay" or, "I understand"; I just want you to see that I am trying to catch the little things that come up now that might be bigger later, when we are more intimate and spend more time together. I want to be your encourager. Jordan, it almost makes me cry because I think that that is and will be one of my greatest joys in life--one of God's purposes for me. I still want to tell you about my day, to let you know if I am bummed, and to cry on your shoulder if needed. Doesn't 'encourage' mean "to inspire courage"? I hope that as the years go by, you will always feel like you can call me or come home to me and draw strength and courage from me. Yes, you are my husband and my leader...and you will be as Christ to me. But as the Church does in Christ, I want to delight in you and bring honor to you and lift you up, that you might find joy--not necessarily in me, but as a result of God's work through me.
As March 24th draws nearer (five months from next Tuesday!), I am thinking on these things more and more. And, I promise you, while I know we will have a lovely wedding and I am excited for that, I am infinitely more excited to become your wife--even if that does include becoming your dishwasher! ;o) You are the biggest blessing in my life, and there is no greater man than you, in my estimation. Yes, there are great men in this world...but they are not you. So, perhaps this is more sappy and serious than you would like, but sometimes, I really do feel as though I might explode if I cannot tell you or show you how much I love you and adore you and how very special you are.
I hope that you are having a great day, and, as always, I will strive to keep you before the throne of grace.
Because He first loved me,
Sabrina
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