Look Up, The Clouds Are Breaking

When I log onto Facebook, I see all sorts of updates: how many cups of coffee one friend had, whose children did what silly antics, and dozens of fun pictures telling the stories of the lives of friends and family. But I also see that one toddler is facing cancer. That one baby is fighting infection. And most recently, that a daughter, sister, wife, and mother of young ones has passed. 

It could be depressing. I could start logging on less and less so I don't have to see the sad, sad news that permeates the lives of so many. Yet I have such an opportunity to pray. You see, I have never met any of those three examples I gave. I know their families or friends. I can't be there to give out hugs or personal words of encouragement. But I can run to Jesus and help them carry their burdens there. 

Oh, how precious is the family of God.

O heart bereaved and lonely, 

Whose brightest dreams have fled

Whose hopes like summer roses,

Are withered crushed and dead

Though link by link be broken,

And tears unseen may fall

Look up amid thy sorrow, 

To Him who knows it all

O cling to thy Redeemer,

Thy Savior, Brother, Friend

Believe and trust His promise, 

To keep you till the end

O watch and wait with patience, 

And question all you will

His arms of love and mercy, 

Are round about thee still

Look up, the clouds are breaking, 

The storm will soon be o’er

And thou shall reach the haven, 

Where sorrows are no more

Look up, be not discouraged; 

Trust on, whate’er befall

Remember, O remember, 

Thy Savior knows it all

Coming Home

Kieran and I spent some time visiting my dad's family in Florida this past week. We left on the 17th (Asher's birthdate) and came back on the 23rd.  While we were there, I experienced the first bout of homesickness I can remember.

I love my family, and I was long overdue for a visit--being away from "home" has never bothered me much before. Wherever you are, you are always missing someone. But whether it was the day on which we left or the fact that the three of us have never been apart for a night, I called Jordan that first night and I sobbed. Friends will tell you that I am not much of a crier, but that evening, I felt as though I had left my heart behind. My husband reassured me and loved me through his words, and eventually I felt better.

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This onset of homesickness got me thinking...isn't that how I should feel about heaven? Shouldn't I at all times be yearning for my One True Love? I wrote about this once before, when we were anxiously awaiting Kieran's arrival. I just could not get these lyrics out of my head:

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him I
Shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon 

Soon and very soon
I'll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon 

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

I get so attached to this world--the people in my life, my dreams and aspirations, and even the things I want to acquire. And it steals my joy. What if I lived out this passage from Philippians 1?

For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.

If only I could remember that "we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior" (Philippians 3:20). I want to long to be reunited with my Savior and be free from the sin that so easily entangles me and all of the sickness, anguish, and death that surrounds me. But I also want to long to serve those around me. To encourage my brothers and sisters to grow in Christ so we can together be lights in the darkness. So together, we can show people the way home.

A Measure of Time

Today would have been the first birthday of our angel baby, Asher. We marked his first birthday by adding this Willow Tree figurine to our family. What started with a promise (the name of our figurine we have had since our wedding), has grown with this guardian angel--"hold close that which we hold dear." We have one for Kieran that we will add on his first birthday, too.

Thinking of you, today, little one, as you toddle on streets of gold.

My 100th Post to Begin the New Year

It is hard to believe that I have been blogging for almost three years now. I am obviously not a high volume poster; it is not about quantity but about quality, right?

I have been thinking about this post ever since I published my last one. There were so many directions I could go--so many ways I want to commemorate my blogging experience and how my life has changed these many months. As I browsed through my little collection of posts, I was struck by one major thing I have been learning.

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I have struggled over and over again with God's will for my life. When I had to leave Kieran for the first time, when we lost our first child, living through floods and moves, and plenty of waiting. Waiting on the right job, the right house, the right timing for our family. I don't know how seriously you have prayed for one specific thing or situation, but I have never wrestled with something so much in prayer than I have with my desire to stay home with Kieran.

Throughout mine and Jordan's dating and engagement years, I felt like God continually answered my prayers in seeking after His timing for our relationship. I always felt at peace about the next step. This time around, I sought that peace time and time again over the past months and, until recently, it has been just out of my reach. I have heard many people say, "I just don't have peace about this," or, "I'm waiting for God to give me peace about this situation." Well, that is not exactly where I ended up on this journey with God.

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All this time, I have been searching for peace and resolution for my circumstances:  I leave everyday to work eight or more hours at a job I am moderately satisfied with, when I am so convicted that I should be at home, spending that time with my son. Now, I know that not everyone is called to that. Some people are called to a career, but, as of right now, I am not following a specific calling with my job except for trying to reach out to those around me. Anyway, as I brought this time and time again before the Lord, I begged Him to work a miracle of some sorts and clearly open and close doors. I wanted Him to fight for me. I wanted to have a faith that was big enough to let Him.

But the one thing I lacked over all these months was the stillness.

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You see, somewhere along the way, the things we desire so much--even the good things--become our idols. They creep up somewhat unsuspectingly, and push God out of that number one place in our hearts. We stop being still and start striving like little children who see something forbidden just out of their reach. And we start to doubt something fundamental:  that God is good. Because God can't really be good if He withholds good from me. We just want to rest in these verses from Psalm 84, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."

But we are a forgetful people (me especially with my spiritual amnesia), and we forget that those verses rest upon verse 10:  

A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.

Would I really rather sleep at the door of the residence of my God than have everything I want? Comfort? Safety? Things just the way I want them? 

A friend at work recently commented that all of "those letters from Paul" were crazy because they just talked about how bad life could be but that his (Paul's) life was worse. I didn't know what to say at the time, but now I would say that Paul was trying to say this, "Christians can take heart in the fact that God does not waste any of the brokenhearted moments of our lives, but He uses them to make us more like His Son. But what a waste to experience sorrow as a result of our sin!"

Yes, things have not changed--on the outside. But things have definitely changed on the inside. I see more clearly my need for a Heavenly Father who knows what I really need. And who knows what my son really needs. I trust that what my son needs most are a mom and dad who are obedient to God. And I recognize that the only way I will truly have peace has less to do with where I am at in this world and more with how I view God as I walk through it. Because better is one day with God as the King of my heart than the rest of my days spent seeking the things that I want. Following Him is always worth it.