When Waiting is Hard

Maybe you're waiting to hear on a job you were hoping to land. Or a call from that realtor about the house that seems like it's just the right fit.

Or a diagnosis.

Perhaps you are waiting for life in general to get better … or just hoping it won't get worse.

As for me, I found myself waiting for another child. Different desires would overtake me at different times. One moment, I would be sitting on the floor completely content to be reading a book to my two lovely boys; later, I would be vacuuming and realize I just spent the last 20 minutes thinking, "If we were to get pregnant this month, this is when our baby would be born," and daydreaming about what it would be like.

Logically, I knew that it didn't matter when or even if we had another child. Not only could I be content with what I had been given, I could learn to be content with His timing, too. But in my heart, I had ideas and plans – I had my own timing. And it seemed like no one really cared about any of it. It is a difficult thing when husband and wife are not on the same page. … And not because of arguing or strife, but simply because one can feel passionately about something while the other does not share the same conviction.

Finally, while going through a study on James, I realized that this had become an idol in my life. The problem wasn't really that I wanted to have a baby (sooner rather than later). The problem was that I wanted life to go my way. That I wasn't satisfied in waiting on God. When the realization poured over me that this was something I thought about every single day, I knew it was time to do more than just lightly bring up the topic with my husband. So I wrote to him – like I always do when something really heavy is weighing me down.

I have started praying that God would show me why I can't stop thinking about someone who, in all reality, may not ever exist. I love you so much, and Kieran and Elias, too. And I feel pretty strongly that if God were to never give us another child, I could be okay with that. But I never do well with the in-betweens. After we miscarried Asher and before I discovered that we were pregnant with Kieran, I struggled with all the "what ifs" and the "whens." I guess, in some things, I like to have a general idea of what's going to happen.

I was so nervous to approach Jordan with this. I mean, I would never want to be that wife who pressures her husband into a decision that he still needs time to make. But I also would hate for something like this to build up into hurt and discord in our marriage.

… If this makes you feel bad, I'm sorry. But maybe you can understand that as intense as that feeling can sometimes be, I obviously don't feel like that all day, everyday. I am so thankful for you and our boys and the station in life I have so graciously been given. So please have patience with me, try to understand my heart, and ask God to help us stay unified ….

It can be difficult to walk around with a heart that is filled with the chaos of being divided. Once I had shared my heart with my husband and laid it all out before the Lord, I was able to find rest. I was able to understand that, while my husband was okay with "now," he wasn't in a hurry, either. My desires didn't change, but my perspective did. And the best part of all this was that as I was giving my idol over to Him, He was the only one who knew that I was already carrying the newest member of our family. He simply loves me that much that He wanted to draw me closer to Him first.

This verse is actually about Abraham, but I love that I can also take hold of God's promises. :)
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Lovely Things

It's been awhile.

But, then again, that's pretty normal for me in this situation isn't it? I can't think of anything to write that's as important as the news I want to share.

Baby number four – and hopefully our third to hold in our arms – is due around March 10th of next year! I am finally past the morning sickness (although brushing my teeth and changing diapers is always a potential trigger), and Kieran is getting pretty excited. Most of the time he says we are going to have a baby Elias (as in, a smaller version of Elias), but he has also said we are going to have a baby Eunice (our friends' baby daughter), a baby horse, a baby cow, and a baby octopus, of all things.

Goob #1

Goob #2

I love these boys so much, and as much as I have thought to myself every day for the last month or so, "What are we getting ourselves into?!" I am so excited to add another sibling to the mix – brother or sister, we don't care! That being said, after pulling out twin boys from the baby gender predictor at MOPS yesterday (suckers out of a bag), I am relieved to say that there is only one baby in there. :)

Look at that sweet little thing! We are right on track at 14 weeks and happy to say that there is no placenta previa this time around. This was the longest I have ever had to wait to hear my baby's heartbeat, and I cried tears of sweet relief at the sound. What a perfect reason to smile and be overflowing with joy on this day of remembrance … which also happens to be 11 years to the day since the hubs and I started dating. So many reasons to praise God today!

Gravity

It can be so hard to be the one who consistently strives to help your children be aware of their sin and to help them understand the root of why we grieve over it and its effects – especially when we know we still have so much we ourselves need to bring before God. 

"Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor" (James 4:9-10, NLT).

How do we help our children go through a process we ourselves daily fail at? God wants me to see the gravity of my own sin and to be humbled by the grace I need for the responsibility I have to help my children realize their sin and sorrow appropriately. I myself often sit on the fence and flirt with the world while I say I belong to God. 

But then I read this:

Do you think the Scriptures have no meaning? They say that God is passionate that the Spirit he has placed within us should be faithful to him. And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

I am not in this alone. I have the Spirit inside me who desires to passionately battle with me as I face each and every trial and temptation – big or small. And I have grace. Generous grace. Every time I acknowledge my own sin and weaknesses, I have clear access to a wellspring of grace that pools into the dark and empty places within me. I have eyes that can better see God's wisdom as I seek to lead precious souls to see the importance of this daily process we go through as we fight the good fight within our home. And I have peace that while I may only see the difficulty of the here and now, God sees the glorious result of small moments of faithfulness building upon each other until we reach eternity. 

Hallelujah. He giveth more grace.

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You Are Not Your Own

It seems I have always had a hard time trusting those lines that appear on a pregnancy test. For me, I need to hear a tiny, ridiculously fast-paced heartbeat to really be able to grasp the truth:  life is never going to be the same. The very first time I heard the sound of a heart other than mine beating from within me, everything changed in that very instant. No matter where I went or what I was doing, I knew that I was no longer doing it alone.

We change how we eat, how we move, how we think about the world. We submit to a sacred process that oftentimes keeps us from sleeping or finds us making more trips to the bathroom than we'd care to admit. And then we meet this tiny little person that has for so long been an extension of ourselves.

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All at once, I wanted to return them to that place of safety and comfort and nourishment, all the while knowing that now that I had held them and looked upon them, I could never let them go. And so, I learned what it is like to have another being completely dependent upon me for his every need. I learned the beauty of becoming a source of nourishment for someone else. Sometimes I chafed under the demand and the unfairness that this was a task that only I could perform. But God showed me just how vast He is and nursed my heart as I nursed each of my boys.

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5, NLT).

Now here I find myself, three years and nine months later, with my body returned to me, so to speak. I have a sweet babe waiting for me in heaven and two independent toddlers who don't need me specifically for nourishment; my baby, who isn't so much of a baby anymore, is officially weaned. And I can't help but meditate on these two things:

You are not your own. 

As I push myself physically and mentally, trying to get back into clothes that haven't fit the way I'd like them to for awhile, I know that I will never be the same. My body has gone through so, so much, in such a short amount of time. It deserves my respect and my admiration. It also deserves honesty and practicality and grace. I will take care of my body. I will  make peace with its flaws because I know I am not content with giving up … but I also know that it's not worth striving to be what I once was. I can look forward with confidence that God has designed my body to love and be loved.

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My children still need me. 

It may not be for late night feedings, but they still need what only I can give. No one can give hugs just the way I do. No one else reads the characters' voices in their favorite storybooks as only I do. They know my scent, the sound of my voice, and what that spot just below my chin feels like. Soon, they will need my wisdom and my advice. They will need a listening ear and an unjudging spirit. They will need a friend. They will need someone to be embarrassed about. They will always, always need someone to wake up every morning and strive to demonstrate God's love even when it is so, so hard. And they will still need someone to be a fortress and a safe haven for them.

Ah, motherhood.

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Look Who's One!

Be still, my heart.

This boy is one.

Where, oh, where does the time go? Wasn't it yesterday that I was swaddling him just so? An hour ago that he gave me his first real smile? And five minutes since he said his first word?

How do we mamas do it? How do we watch our bellies stretch and grow to accommodate little life, then watch them leave the protection of our bodies, the protection of our arms, and–someday–the protection of our homes? How do we love them so much that we hope that they someday leave without breaking our hearts? How do we cautiously walk behind them hoping that they will one day allow us to walk beside them?

Growing up his hard. But it's a beautiful thing. The bittersweet give-and-take of life is holding tightly with one hand while the other is letting go. It's leaving behind something you just fell in love with so you can jump wholeheartedly into the next adventure.

God, I love this boy.

Dear Elias,

You have such a grip on my heart. Maybe it was all of the pictures I got to see of you before you entered this world, but I feel like I dreamed of you long before we ever met. I still dream of you–for you. I dream big dreams for you, baby boy, and pray big prayers for you. When you were born, everyone commented just how like your big brother you were. But from day one, I have only seen the youness of you. You have your own sweet way of getting the attention of others, with your huge blue eyes and grin that takes over your whole face.

Elias, I hope you don't always feel like you have to compare yourself to your brother or to anyone else. You are beautiful in your own way. You are beautiful simply because you were created. And you have been the perfect addition to our family. I pray that you find what you have been created for in the wild love of your Savior. I pray that we won't hold you back from seeing this truth but only encourage you to see that there is a God who formed your heart and He wants you to give it back to Him.

I hope you always see joy in the darkness, love in the midst of suffering, and that you can still sing when all seems lost. I pray you always feel like you can turn to us and find safety in our love for you. Of course, I pray that you grow big and strong and that you stay safe. But, oh, how I pray that you refuse to play life safely. I want you to dream big dreams for yourself and boldly cry out to God for Him to work miracles–in your heart, in your life, and in the lives of those around you. I pray that God keeps you humble and that you will be a servant to others. 

I pray that those sweet, trusting eyes of yours will see what a good, wonderful man your daddy is but that you will also see that he is a broken man, and he makes mistakes, too. I hope you can forgive me for all of the mistakes I will make and always know that if I ever push you too hard or hold on too tightly it's because mamas get scared, too.

So, keep on growing baby boy.

I'll be right here.

Love,

Mama

Somewhere in the Middle

Last week, I had one day where I pretty much fell apart.

Even when I was struggling with a newborn and a young toddler, I never felt like I had a day like this. I was dealing with one really grumpy baby (Honestly, I can't even remember the reason anymore--teething, maybe?), one increasingly grumpy toddler who wanted more attention than what the baby was taking away from him, and no afternoon naps.

When my husband came home, he was frustrated with me about some miscommunication that we had had, and, for some reason, that was the last straw for this overwrought mama. I felt like an all-out failure, but at the same time, I was offended that this should all seem like my fault. I just couldn't let things go, and after a couple of hours my frustration and anger went from simmering to boiling over. And I--a woman who usually thinks of herself as easy-going and laid-back--yelled at my family.

Oh, it kills me just to put that in writing.

I really felt like I needed to get out of the house, but when my husband (bless his soul) suggested that I stay and talk it out, I burst out with something to the effect of, "Why?!" Then, pointing to each family member in turn, I exclaimed, "You don't like me! You don't like me!! And you don't like me!!!" Believe me, I regretted it as soon as my little rant was over. I eventually apologized to the people I love most in the world and was able to put it aside for awhile, but at the end of the evening, I was just racked with guilt.

"I hate myself," I told my husband. We talked about how the day went. We talked about how, in the span of a few short hours, I felt like I had become the parent that I never wanted to be. But it wasn't until I opened up my Bible that I really understood why I could not let this go. I knew I needed to read Psalm 51, so that's where I and all of my emotional turbulence turned.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight....

The reason I couldn't get past what had happened was not because I had become "that mom."

It was because I had become God.

In that moment, I had decided that what I wanted and felt I needed were more important than anything or anyone else. I chose not to live out Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law." 

Instead of choosing love of my family, I chose love of myself.

Instead of choosing joy in my circumstances, I chose despair.

Instead of choosing peace, I chose strife.

Instead of choosing patience, I chose short-temperedness.

Instead of choosing kindness and goodness, I chose anger.

Instead of choosing gentleness, I chose harsh words.

Instead of choosing faithfulness and self-control, I chose to give into my desires.

There I laid, on my bed, condemned as a wife and a mother--a failure as a child of God. But God reminded me--and reminds me still--that I am, in fact, not condemned but forgiven and loved. I am not--you are not--a lost cause. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

A friend recently shared an article that really helped me to put all of my thoughts into words:

The next time you’re tempted to say “I hate myself” because of the lingering sin in your life, take a deep breath, regroup, read Psalm 139, and get back in the game. “The righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity” (Proverbs 24:16). The righteous fall. Falling is not the defining issue. The wicked listen to the accuser (Revelation 12:10) and don’t get back up. The righteous get back up.

Oftentimes, it's how we deal with our failures and shortcomings that defines us. It is just heart-wrenching to know that what you have said and done cannot be unsaid or undone. And I, for one, can begin to hate myself as I see myself branded by one moment in time. As Paul so eloquently said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate" (Romans 7:15).

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Through it all, the amazing truth is that God's love never fails and never gives up on us. Rather than being branded by our ugliest moments, we are branded as God's own. Instead of finding ourselves weighed down by our failures, we find grace springing up from an unending Source. We find that His mercies are indeed new every morning.

Okay, so I am very loosely tying in this photograph with the idea of "grace springing up." ;)

We're Both Mothers

It's been exactly one month since I blogged. I get stuck sometimes when I have a post in my head but my 

mind is just all over the place and I can't get any cohesive thoughts down. Yesterday, I stumbled across this blogger's post, "A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa," and it really resonated with what I have been thinking about.

I have been a "SAHM" for over six months. One of my friends told me that it took her about six months to adjust to having two kids; well, I think it has taken me seven months to adjust to having two kids and being home with them all of the time. At around two months, we started venturing out into the world on our own (sans hubby) and we fell into a rhythm around that time, too. But it is only recently that I was able to stop focusing on just taking care of everyone else and start taking care of me. I am slowly learning that I cannot be the mom that I need to be if I am not spiritually, mentally, and physically prepared to lead them and guide them as challenges arise.

[Stay-At-Home-Mom], I know that you are misunderstood by so many who do not appreciate the difficulties of caring for small children on your own, all day, and refer to you as joining the “latte set”. They imagine you spend your day sipping coffee while your children play quietly. I know you miss your financial independence. I know you feel amused and sometimes annoyed when others proclaim “TGIF!” because to you every day is the same – there is no Friday, no break from your job. I know that many people do not understand that you work – you simply work an unpaid job at home.

But before I became a stay-at-home mom, I had the experience of leaving my baby behind as I went to work at my full-time job. We were blessed to not have to put Kieran in day care, but for about a year and a half, we took turns watching him and shuttling him between family and friends.

[Working Mom], I know you weigh up every job to see if it will suit your family. I know you wake up an hour before everyone else does, just so you can get some exercise done or some quiet time. I know that you have attended meetings after being up all night with your toddler. I know that when you come home in the evening, your “second shift” begins. The nay-sayers don’t understand that you run a household AND hold a job. You come home, cook dinner, bathe your children and read them stories. You tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. You pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishes, just like every other mother does. 

These choices are rarely easy. I am so glad that I have lived at both ends of this spectrum because I respect both of these groups of women immensely. I used to be jealous of my SAHM friends, and now I sometimes find myself envious of my working mom friends. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? Rather than focusing on the one "right way" moms should be raising children, we should be supporting each other and helping moms to make the decisions that are best for their families.

Before venturing into this unknown territory, I had no idea that being a stay-at-home parent oftentimes means being a single parent. I make so many moment-by-moment decisions concerning the discipline, safety, and education of my children without my husband. And even though I know we are a team, it can sometimes feel more like a battle where I am catching all the heavy fire. ...Yet, I also get the most hugs, the most kisses, and the most grins and belly laughs. I often hear the first new word, see the first new skill, and see the expressions of joy at trying something for the first time.

Being a stay-at-home mom isn't always easy.

SAHM, I don’t know how you do it. I admire your infinite patience, your ability to face each day cheerfully and bring joy into your children’s lives even when they wear you down. I admire your dedication to being a constant presence in your children’s lives even if it isn’t always easy. I admire the way you work without expecting any reward – no promotions, no fame, no salary. I know you want your children to feel important and loved, and SAHM, you do this the best. 

Being a working mom isn't always easy.

[Working Mom], I know that sometimes you feel guilty about not being there all the time. But WM, I know this. You are setting a wonderful example to your children. You are showing them that a woman can have a career, contribute in some way outside the home, and still be a loving mother. You are showing your daughters that they can do anything they want to do in life. You are displaying strength, endurance, dedication, tenacity, and you do it with so much joy and love.

But we're both mothers.

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.