Yet I Will Praise You

Today, our little baby, whom I carried but never held, would have been five. We knew about him for such a short time before we lost him, that his past birthdays have come and gone with some sadness but much joy at the knowledge that when we see Jesus face to face, we will also see our first child for the first time.

But today seems like such a significant day: a day when you look into the face of your child and see the resemblance of who they once were but recognize them as someone new – someone changed and grown. Our lives are made up of many of these moments of seeing and recognizing but knowing we aren't now who we were then.

So, today I wish that I could hold our little Asher Matthias. That I could see him blow out his birthday candles just once. That I could tell him now that I am so happy that he is a part of our family and that he is indeed a gift to us, just as his names mean. His little life was and is so much bigger to me than a span of weeks. It is a memorial stone in my walk with God. Whenever I feel weary or full of doubt, I can look back at that time and at God's care for me and I know with full certainty that He is for me and is always shepherding me.

So many I know have and are currently going through intense periods of hurt and suffering in ways that I cannot imagine. But God always demonstrates His great love for us by reconciling us to Himself and guiding us toward a greater intimacy with Him, if we let Him use our suffering to shape us and grow us. If we recognize that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come with the morning. If we choose to let the ones we have lost have a legacy of bringing glory to God through their impact in us and through us. 

I was and am surprised to feel this strongly today. But I welcome God's reminder of His unending faithfulness to us. He is always, always enough.

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She's Here!

It's taken me a little while to write this because, well, I have simply had better things to do! :)

Let me start at the beginning. Friday, March 4th, we arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m. ready for our scheduled c-section. We weren't quite sure when we would get started because we were the second ones scheduled, but I think we finally went back around 9:00 a.m. As the time got closer and closer, I started to get so nervous, I actually thought I might throw up (although, I swear that could be all of the anti-nausea medications they gave me – blech!). But prayer and a lot of choosing not to dwell on my fears got me through the waiting, which was probably the worst part. 

When I finally got back to the operating room, they had the hardest time getting the anesthesia in (the procedure is the same as when getting an epidural). I lost count of how many times I was poked in the back – I guess being vertically challenged means that there is less room to work with between each vertebra. It was kind of nerve wracking, as it was hard not to wonder if the anesthesia would actually work. 

But eventually, everything was sorted out, Jordan was able to join me again, and it was time to start. Of course, I hardly remember Kieran's anymore because I was so tired, and I'm sure I don't remember all of the details of Elias', even though I wrote them both down. Still, this time around, the whole process seemed a lot more … aggressive. There was a lot of pushing and pulling and it seemed to take forever. Just like with Elias, they had to use the vacuum, this time because the baby's head was cockeyed. 

Nevertheless, at 9:51 a.m. we finally heard that first cry. When they announced, "It's a girl!" to us, Jordan and I were both in total shock. Every pregnancy we have entertained thoughts of a daughter, but with each boy the prospect seemed less and less likely – especially since boys run in the family. And this was all of her little face that I got to stare at while they finished taking care of me.

I felt so desperate for a good look at her face! Eventually, they took her to do her assessment, and about an hour after she was born, we were back in our room, and she was nursing like a little champ.

Our sweet baby girl, Adeline Hope, weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces (another big surprise, since the boys were 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 8 pounds, 7 ounces) and was 19 inches long. She also had the tiniest little head (again, especially compared to our boys). We were delighted to see her head of dark hair after two bald babes and, for now, we think she looks a lot like Kieran did as a baby, but of course, still definitely her own person.

Kieran James (3 years, 11 months), Elias Finn (2 years, 4 months), and Adeline Hope

We are in love with our family of five, and we praise God for these souls He has entrusted us with for just a little while.

When Waiting is Hard

Maybe you're waiting to hear on a job you were hoping to land. Or a call from that realtor about the house that seems like it's just the right fit.

Or a diagnosis.

Perhaps you are waiting for life in general to get better … or just hoping it won't get worse.

As for me, I found myself waiting for another child. Different desires would overtake me at different times. One moment, I would be sitting on the floor completely content to be reading a book to my two lovely boys; later, I would be vacuuming and realize I just spent the last 20 minutes thinking, "If we were to get pregnant this month, this is when our baby would be born," and daydreaming about what it would be like.

Logically, I knew that it didn't matter when or even if we had another child. Not only could I be content with what I had been given, I could learn to be content with His timing, too. But in my heart, I had ideas and plans – I had my own timing. And it seemed like no one really cared about any of it. It is a difficult thing when husband and wife are not on the same page. … And not because of arguing or strife, but simply because one can feel passionately about something while the other does not share the same conviction.

Finally, while going through a study on James, I realized that this had become an idol in my life. The problem wasn't really that I wanted to have a baby (sooner rather than later). The problem was that I wanted life to go my way. That I wasn't satisfied in waiting on God. When the realization poured over me that this was something I thought about every single day, I knew it was time to do more than just lightly bring up the topic with my husband. So I wrote to him – like I always do when something really heavy is weighing me down.

I have started praying that God would show me why I can't stop thinking about someone who, in all reality, may not ever exist. I love you so much, and Kieran and Elias, too. And I feel pretty strongly that if God were to never give us another child, I could be okay with that. But I never do well with the in-betweens. After we miscarried Asher and before I discovered that we were pregnant with Kieran, I struggled with all the "what ifs" and the "whens." I guess, in some things, I like to have a general idea of what's going to happen.

I was so nervous to approach Jordan with this. I mean, I would never want to be that wife who pressures her husband into a decision that he still needs time to make. But I also would hate for something like this to build up into hurt and discord in our marriage.

… If this makes you feel bad, I'm sorry. But maybe you can understand that as intense as that feeling can sometimes be, I obviously don't feel like that all day, everyday. I am so thankful for you and our boys and the station in life I have so graciously been given. So please have patience with me, try to understand my heart, and ask God to help us stay unified ….

It can be difficult to walk around with a heart that is filled with the chaos of being divided. Once I had shared my heart with my husband and laid it all out before the Lord, I was able to find rest. I was able to understand that, while my husband was okay with "now," he wasn't in a hurry, either. My desires didn't change, but my perspective did. And the best part of all this was that as I was giving my idol over to Him, He was the only one who knew that I was already carrying the newest member of our family. He simply loves me that much that He wanted to draw me closer to Him first.

This verse is actually about Abraham, but I love that I can also take hold of God's promises. :)
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Lovely Things

It's been awhile.

But, then again, that's pretty normal for me in this situation isn't it? I can't think of anything to write that's as important as the news I want to share.

Baby number four – and hopefully our third to hold in our arms – is due around March 10th of next year! I am finally past the morning sickness (although brushing my teeth and changing diapers is always a potential trigger), and Kieran is getting pretty excited. Most of the time he says we are going to have a baby Elias (as in, a smaller version of Elias), but he has also said we are going to have a baby Eunice (our friends' baby daughter), a baby horse, a baby cow, and a baby octopus, of all things.

Goob #1

Goob #2

I love these boys so much, and as much as I have thought to myself every day for the last month or so, "What are we getting ourselves into?!" I am so excited to add another sibling to the mix – brother or sister, we don't care! That being said, after pulling out twin boys from the baby gender predictor at MOPS yesterday (suckers out of a bag), I am relieved to say that there is only one baby in there. :)

Look at that sweet little thing! We are right on track at 14 weeks and happy to say that there is no placenta previa this time around. This was the longest I have ever had to wait to hear my baby's heartbeat, and I cried tears of sweet relief at the sound. What a perfect reason to smile and be overflowing with joy on this day of remembrance … which also happens to be 11 years to the day since the hubs and I started dating. So many reasons to praise God today!

Somebunny's Three

Was this just two years ago?

Everyone in our house was getting excited for K's birthday. Even Elias was getting in on the game, and a week later, he's still singing, "Happy birthday to you." Kieran did NOT like his three-year appointment … until the sucker came out! He weighed in at 29.6 pounds (28th percentile) and measured 25.25 inches (7th percentile). We stopped for chicken nuggets, and Kieran scored some free birthday cookies!

Elias enjoyed a little, too. :)

On his actual birthday, we met up with some friends at a park halfway between our towns. It was fun to spend the morning with friends and to try out a new place!

For dinner, Kieran requested hamburgers, so we had sliders and hot dogs and other grilling fare and, of course, cake!

I made an ice cream cake, and he loved it! It was super easy, too. I softened some chocolate ice cream and spread it into an 8x8 pan lined with plastic wrap, then let it set in the freezer. I made some hot fudge, let it cool some, then layered that on top of the ice cream. After layering some crushed Oreos on top of the fudge, I again let it set in the freezer. A layer of softened vanilla ice cream and another stint in the freezer, and it was ready to be inverted onto a cutting board. I "frosted" it with Cool Whip and topped it with green sprinkles, more crushed Oreos, and a little John Deere tractor. 

We had some family over to celebrate, and we all enjoyed watching Kieran open his presents. Little did we know that we all got him something vehicle-related.

In some things, little boys are easy to please. :)

A couple days later, this boy was over-the-moon excited just to be able to sit on the mowers at Lowe's.

I already posted something mushy about my little man turning three, so I'll spare you that. But we sure do love this boy to pieces!

Celebrations

It's been a crazy couple of weeks! I finished up my 10-week program at Farrell's on the 21st, and Jordan and I took an overnight getaway to Minneapolis on the 27th and 28th.

Although I was hoping to push a little bit harder, I have to say that I was pleased with my results when I tested out on the last day of the program. I lost 8.5 pounds according to their scale – 10 pounds according to my own – and a total of 4% body fat. In addition, I lost two inches off of my waist and a total of 10.25 inches combined off of my chest, waist, hips, arms, and thighs. But what really impressed me was my strength gain! My push-ups increased from 19 (toes) and 17 (knees) to 30 (toes) and 33 (knees) in one minute. My sit-ups increased from a measly 8 in one minute to 26. I also gained two inches on my sit-and-reach and shaved 2:19 off of my mile.

All of this hard work really put me in the mood to celebrate! I was so excited that I was able to keep our anniversary destination a secret from Jordan. A few months ago, I found a Groupon for a hotel in downtown Minneapolis. I thought Jordan would like the fact that the building used to be a really grand old bank (a farmer's and mechanic's savings bank, to be exact). The hotel's restaurant is laid out in the original lobby, and you can still see where the bank tellers would be and such. They also keep their wine in the bank's vault, in case you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Before heading downtown, we stopped at the Mall of America and did a little shopping – mostly just enjoying the fact that it was just the two of us. I had asked a friend that lives in the Cities for a couple of recommendations for good places to eat, so I was really excited to try one of them out; however, the hotel had a surcharge of $13.95 per day for basic internet access, so I couldn't access my messages to see what they were. I was pretty frustrated, but we took it in stride and headed out to take in the sites and see if anything struck our fancy. After walking around for awhile, we backtracked to a Brazilian steakhouse, Fogo de Chao.

While we were waiting for a table, we asked to see a menu, but we were so confused because we couldn't find prices anywhere! When we were seated, we were directed to the salad bar … silly us, it wasn't until after we went through that we thought to speak up and ask how the pricing worked.  Let's just say that had we known, we wouldn't have stayed.

Still, the food was delicious, and it was an experience, as well. The salad bar was very good and a little more exotic than you might usually find. When at your table, you are served rolls and family style side dishes that are constantly being replenished. But the best part is the meat. Waiters are always walking by with some sort of meat that has been rotisseried:  fillet mignon, top sirloin, garlic beef, chicken and sausage, parmesan-encrusted pork loin, lamb chops, leg of lamb, shrimp … I'm sure I'm forgetting something! It's definitely a time to throw caution to the wind and overeat. Speaking of which, we were given a complimentary dessert for our anniversary, but there was no way we could eat another bite. We chose the turtle cheesecake and ended up eating it later that evening in our hotel room with these gigantic coffee stirrers that just happened to double as chopsticks. 

We had a wonderful time, and I am convinced that it was time well spent. We really needed to remember what it was like to just be a couple! 

We returned to a sad, sick little two-year-old but were very thankful for a grandma who took good care of him. Needless to say, by that evening, he was back to his energetic, ornery little self. :) Tonight, I cried a little after I put him to bed on his last night of being two. Last night I asked him how old he was going to be on his birthday, and Kieran said, "Three! I'm gonna be smart, Mom."

Life is never dull.

Beauty in the Ordinary

About this time last Sunday my brother and I were driving into Chicago for a very impromptu trip. Our loving grandma (my stepfather's mother) and the matriarch of the family for almost 40 years had passed away after a five-month battle with declining health. This woman survived the death of her husband when she was in her early fifties, breast cancer on more than one occasion, and was the last of her siblings left. She always took care of everyone and worked hard without complaint.

I was surprised, honored, and a little terrified when I was asked to give the eulogy at her funeral on Monday. We remembered her family, her work, and her friends; however, what has stuck with me the most and I have been thinking on all week is the fact that Grandma was born, raised, and lived in the same neighborhood in Chicago for all of her 90 years. Most of the things that she accomplished and the people that she loved were in that neighborhood, too, at one time in her life. She didn't have to travel around the world to see and be thankful for all that she had around her. I am left with the overwhelming reminder that the life we live is made up of moments of faithfulness and sheer ordinariness.

And the sum of those moments is something truly beautiful.

A Two Year Old

A two-year-old is so many things.
A tiny discoverer of butterfly wings.
A hugger of teddies, a sweet sleepy head.
And someone to dream for in bright years ahead.
A special new person who right from the start,
has a place in the family and a course in your heart.
And just when you think you've learned all the things
that your dear son is, and the joy that he brings,
a hug or a grin comes with such a sweet surprise
that love finds you smiling with tears in your eyes.

What a big day we've had! We started out the day driving to a special hair salon for kiddos, where Kieran got his second real haircut (I try to stay on top of trimming it up, but it was time to get it cleaned up).

After that, we walked over to Scratch Cupcakery, where the adults enjoyed cupcakes, and Kieran enjoyed a cake pop--perfect for little hands.

Next, we headed over to the mall and enjoyed the indoor playground, since it was such a blustery day.

This evening, it was party time!

We enjoyed Kieran's favorite meal of homemade spaghetti and meatballs and, of course, more cake.

And there were presents!

This boy is a tractor fanatic!

We love this boy so much and had a wonderful day celebrating with him. As I said on a facebook post the other day, he is big at heart, and we love him to pieces. He is quick to share kisses and hugs and all kinds of love. His vocabulary is explosive, his affection for anything with wheels and an engine has remained strong, and sometimes he has so much energy that he is literally bouncing off the walls. We look forward to seeing him grow in stature, and we pray that he will one day grow in knowledge and in love of his Heavenly Father.

Kieran as a newborn, at his first birthday party, and today, at his second birthday party

A Good Day to be a Dad

Kieran on the left and Baby #3 on the right, both at 20 weeks.

Today was ultrasound day! As a belated Father's Day present of sorts, we got a sneak peek at how our munchkin has been growing. ...And, no, we did not find out the gender this time, either. :)

Almost looks like some sort of smile here, doesn't it?

Baby is healthy and growing well, and I am right at my goal as well:  I have only gained eight pounds in this first half of pregnancy, putting me right back at my pre-pregnancy weight with Kieran. We still don't know for sure if I will get to have the chance for a VBAC, but I am doing everything I can to make sure I am healthy and strong in case I do. Kieran and I go for at least one-hour walks whenever the weather cooperates, and I know that has contributed a lot, as did nursing him (which I am no longer doing, but that is a post for another time).

I rotate through different midwives at the clinic I go to, and there is one there who has been very encouraging of my interest in a VBAC, so I was really thankful to be able to meet with her again today. At 12 weeks, I had complete placenta previa, which was not necessarily abnormal at that stage, but it would also cause us to have to undergo another C-section. At this appointment, 20 weeks, the placenta was still posterior, but not a complete "previa". To make a long story short, we get to have another ultrasound in eight weeks to check on the position of the placenta. Still, my midwife was very encouraging that this shouldn't be a problem (the ultrasound tech said it was something like a one percent chance that it would not "migrate" to where it needed to be) nor should it hinder my chances of a VBAC. So, she is going to give me the names of some doctors in Des Moines that I can make an appointment with and see what they think. While I have accepted either outcome, I am very excited that we can continue to pursue this option!

Munchkin was not as cooperative as Kieran was at this time, s/he seemed very sleepy and, even though s/he had a full bladder, just seemed to want to drink amniotic fluid and cross his/her arms over his/her head. We even got a few videos on our CD this time, which we did not with Kieran, so that was a nice surprise.

You can see Baby drinking here (look at that full bladder)...

...And kicking here!

In addition to all of this excitement, I can't forget to mention some fun firsts Kieran has had in the last few days.

Kieran went to his first parade!

We saw a fun little float celebrating the town's 100-year-old carousel.

We let the other kids with us grab all the candy, as they could actually enjoy it. :)

Kieran had his first M&M experience on Father's Day. See his shirt? "Good looks courtesy of Dad" :)

Blue hands!

Mommy and Daddy also took him to the pool for the very first time.

Fountain splashing

He's pretty much big stuff!

We are still learning and growing and being challenged, but I cherish these memories so much. I am so thankful for my family!