The Good Portion

{From my journal}

June 24, 2015

Everyday, I am sowing something, regardless of whether or not I am aware of it. By His grace, I want to start each day with Him, seek His wisdom and leading – wisdom that is "pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere" – so I can make the choices that lead to a "harvest of righteousness" which is "sown in peace by those who make peace."

Lord, I need so much help with this. Everyday, I choose to worship at the altar of self, often becoming frustrated when things don't go my way or they are harder than I'd hoped they would be. In my own strength, I can't find wisdom or peace, nor can I bear the kind of fruits that actually last. Pour out your mercy on me:  a woman, wondering how to do this thing called life as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. But most of all, as a sinner … saved by grace, without a doubt, but so easily enticed to choose the easier roads, not pushing to do the hard things that can lead to long-lasting rewards.

I am so weak and weary. Help me to seek and rely on Your strength and love and see my life transformed. Though I can sometimes be like Martha, "anxious and troubled about many things," help me to focus on the "one thing" that is necessary. Help me to choose "the good portion."

Amen and amen.

Becoming a Boy

This face.

This boy.

When did it happen? In just four weeks he will be three years old. No longer a baby. No longer a toddler.

I feel like I am standing at the precipice of his boyhood, just as I will some day stand at the precipice of his manhood. As I peer over the edge into the muddy waters of the future, I catch glimpses of this new Kieran – a sneak peek of his first day of school, his first bike ride without training wheels, and the first time he stands up for his brother. I can almost hear the cries the first time someone calls him a name or when we rush him to get stitches. He has so much life ahead of him.

Every week brings new joys and challenges: the independence and the sassiness, the sweetness and the naughtiness, the tenderness and the stubbornness, and the maturity and the immaturity. Oftentimes, I can look back at the end of the day and see where I became too frustrated with this boy … but writing this now, all I can feel is joy and awe that I get to be his mom.

I just hope he can handle all of the extra cuddles he's going to get this month. :)

Soul Cravings

Working out is hard. Working out consistently is even harder. Eating a well-balanced diet is hard. And being thoughtful and consistent about it is even harder. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to join Farrell's; since it was something I have always been interested in, I jumped at it even though I have never taken a class at a gym and (let's be honest) rarely ever visited a gym even when I had complimentary memberships. But this post isn't really about working out or eating well. I have gone through this whole "get back on the horse" thing before and blogged about it, too. The one thing I consistently find whenever I try to adopt a healthier lifestyle is that our bodies are connected to our souls. For some reason, God designed us so that the needs of our outer person directly correlate to the needs of the very core of us (and I'm not talking about your abs).

As a part of this 10-week class I am taking, I had the chance to visit a local grocery store and attend a guided tour with a certified dietician. It was pretty straightforward, and I felt like I was hearing facts I already knew about or that were pretty intuitive. One question that really struck me, however, was, "Why do we so often reach for sugary or fatty foods?" One person replied that those foods are generally easy; another chuckled that they taste good. I couldn't help but blurt out:

"Because we teach our bodies what to crave."

I may choose crackers over carrot sticks or mashed potatoes over salad, but is it because I don't like raw carrots or I'm not head-over-heels about salad? Or is it simply because I gravitate towards foods that satisfy my immediate cravings for salt or sugar without thinking about what will really satisfy me and keep me full? Do I consider what will make me happy next week or only in this very moment? As I reintroduce healthy eating habits into my life, I am reminding my body that, as Sesame Street so aptly put, "We need vegetables always, but cookies are for sometimes." I am training my mind to enjoy the natural sweetness and savoriness of the foods around me, while still enjoying the occasional splurge here and there.

And so, just as we feed our bodies, we are daily feeding our souls. Many of us have days, weeks, or even years where we are couch-potato Christians, aimlessly munching on spiritual tidbits here and there mixed in with unhealthy doses of over-processed information from the world streaming into our senses. Instead of actively taking responsibility for our growth, we limp along thinking we're doing alright. What we don't realize is that our souls are starving. We are living in a fast-food, grab-and-go society, where we have taught our minds to crave information in short, colorful bursts.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. … Then I said, “Behold, I have come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me:  I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”

I love this Psalm of David. He had so many people pressed around him pressuring him to make decisions in the midst of very present danger, but he knew that whatever plans the Lord had for him were far better than his own. And he was content to wait for God's answers in God's time. He was able to wait patiently because he regularly came to God, learned His Word, and sought His will. Just as I sometimes need to examine my life and establish better patterns of eating and exercise, I need to regularly examine my heart to see what patterns God wants me to put on … and what patterns He wants me to "put off." Matthew 15 puts it this way:

And he called the people to him and said to them, “Hear and understand:  it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” … And he said, “Are you also still without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled? But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.

It is so, so important for us to take care of the earthly bodies that God has given us. But how we handle our hearts will have an effect on eternity. "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life" (Proverbs 4:23, NLT). My soul will crave what I teach it to crave. Sometimes that will be facebook or Netflix or a fiction book. By God's grace I can identify the unhealthy "soul junk food" in my life and be reminded to feast on the Bread and drink of the Living Water. I can run to God like a weary animal runs to a stream and find my true heart's longing there.

Source

One Word–2015

Last year, instead of making a New Year's Resolution, I chose one word that I wanted to define my year: servanthood. It wasn't easy. In fact, I would say that after the first six months, I became somewhat immune to the word; nevertheless, I am glad that I did it, and I want to try again this year. 

As I thought and thought about what I struggled most with in 2014, it became clear to me that I drifted through many periods of purposelessness and apathy. This fall, in our MOPS group, we have focused on the theme "Be You, Bravely." So often I allow fear to drive my life and keep me from trying new things–whether it's potty training my two-year-old or introducing myself to a stranger. It's easier to stay where life is comfortable and relatively safe, instead of stretching myself or trying and failing. As our lives and our roles change, we often lose our sense of self and just stay afloat in the day-to-day aspects of living life, rather than diving in and reaching for the next thing God has for us.

I went searching for a quote from Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, a book I read when I was out on my own for the first time my first semester of college. While perhaps not on my list of the top five books I have ever read, God knew it was what I needed at that time. As I skimmed through the first chapter of the book, what really resonated with me wasn't the perspective on where I came from but the purposelessness I have felt lately with where I am going. 2014 ushered in a new era for me as I quit my full-time job to stay at home after the birth of our second child. I could write pages on what drove us to make that decision; however, as with many things in life, sometimes the greater challenge is not the decisions themselves but the act of living them out.

There is so much value in taking that leap of faith and following what we believe to be God’s will for us; the difficulty often lies in the day-to-day faithfulness to the steps we have already taken as we practice the upward climb of our walk with Christ. We struggle for joy in the daily tasks he sets before us. We wrestle with seeking to please God rather than men. We fail to trust God as we take our lives into our own hands once again. Yet, we also find joy as we allow God to shape our ambitions, our passions, our loves, and our view of self and others.

The danger lies in allowing our roles to become our purpose. As Warren says, “The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose.” For me, I find this to be so very, very hard. Though I know I belong to Christ, I often look to circumstances and relationships to define and anchor me; so when any of these things change, I easily drift away. Our contentment must be rooted in something more substantial—and more eternal.

Hebrews 13 declares:

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" … Therefore let us go to [Jesus] outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

This year I am choosing two words:  Be involved. I want to be more involved with my children. I want to actively love them and challenge them and cheer them on. I desire to be more involved with my husband. I need to motivate us to connect on those deeper levels during those times in our days when it's just so much easier to be near each other but not be with each other. I would like to be more involved with my neighbor–both the woman who lives up above us and the mom that I meet at the park. And I desperately need to be more involved with God. 

I need to boldly run to God and plead with him to help me to lay aside the distractions of this world. With confidence, I can say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.” These roles that I take on will change, but God will never leave me. My relationships will ebb and flow, but He will never forsake me. I cannot stake my purpose in a relationship or a person, for this will fail me every time; rather, I should desire to count the cost and run to Jesus no matter the reproach. I must beg God to give me eyes that are fixated on the Kingdom to come, lips that are quick to praise God and acknowledge his name, and a heart that seeks to do good and invest myself in others.

Being a loving and invested mom is a good thing. Being a faithful and trustworthy employee is a good thing. Being a loyal and supportive wife is also a very good thing. But not only will these things fail to give me the true contentment I seek, I will also fail miserably at them if I miss my greater purpose: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me” (Philippians 3:12, NLT). We will all be better daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, friends, and coworkers when we seek to become that finished work Christ already saw in us when he saved us. Don't lose yourself in purposelessness or apathy this year.

Be involved. Fight for joy, as God fights for your joy.

When condemnation grips my heart and Satan tempts me to despair, I hear the voice that scatters fear. The Great I Am, the Lord is here. Oh, praise the One who fights for me and shields my soul eternally. –Rend Collective, “Boldly I Approach”

You're Just Right

A few evenings ago, we were putting Kieran to bed when he said, "Wait, Mommy!"

This is something he has started doing recently–most likely a stalling tactic for bedtime. :) We have humored him for the most part, and one of us will sit down with him for a couple of minutes and talk about the high points of our day. Often, I just listen as he babbles about whatever is on his mind:  the blankets in his bed, the jammies he's wearing, or the special treat he had that day. On this particular evening, Kieran said something to the effect of, "I'm too cold. My blankets are nice and cozy. I get too hot."

"You're just right," I replied.

And as I sat there listening to him chatter, I realized just how much I meant that. For all the struggles we have in our day-to-day learning and growing, I would never change any of the intrinsic traits that make him him. I love him for his strengths and for his weaknesses. I love him for what he has been, what he is, and what he will be. I love him because he so completely fills the place in my heart that only he fits.

I couldn't help but think that I need to take those same words and plant them in my own heart, as well. I need to whisper these words of truth every morning when I wake up, every time I look into the mirror, and every time I fall down in failure.

"You're just right."

Source

I am not perfect. There are so many ways I could be more. I could be stronger, wiser, more patient, more loving, more gracious, more humble, or more thoughtful. But God, in His infinite wisdom, has made me–for all of my strengths and weaknesses–just as I am. He has given me the things that make me me, for better or for worse. He knows me. He sees me, and He still waits for me, prodigal daughter that I am. He takes me in His arms and says, "I will give you strength. Run to me and find the wisdom you seek. Remember My longsuffering, my steadfast love, and my grace that never runs dry. Remember my Son who humbled Himself and thought of you above His own comfort. Listen to Me–hear Me–and know that, in Me, you can be enough."

Because you're just right.

"You are on purpose and you have a purpose." –Annie Downs

Somewhere in the Middle

Last week, I had one day where I pretty much fell apart.

Even when I was struggling with a newborn and a young toddler, I never felt like I had a day like this. I was dealing with one really grumpy baby (Honestly, I can't even remember the reason anymore--teething, maybe?), one increasingly grumpy toddler who wanted more attention than what the baby was taking away from him, and no afternoon naps.

When my husband came home, he was frustrated with me about some miscommunication that we had had, and, for some reason, that was the last straw for this overwrought mama. I felt like an all-out failure, but at the same time, I was offended that this should all seem like my fault. I just couldn't let things go, and after a couple of hours my frustration and anger went from simmering to boiling over. And I--a woman who usually thinks of herself as easy-going and laid-back--yelled at my family.

Oh, it kills me just to put that in writing.

I really felt like I needed to get out of the house, but when my husband (bless his soul) suggested that I stay and talk it out, I burst out with something to the effect of, "Why?!" Then, pointing to each family member in turn, I exclaimed, "You don't like me! You don't like me!! And you don't like me!!!" Believe me, I regretted it as soon as my little rant was over. I eventually apologized to the people I love most in the world and was able to put it aside for awhile, but at the end of the evening, I was just racked with guilt.

"I hate myself," I told my husband. We talked about how the day went. We talked about how, in the span of a few short hours, I felt like I had become the parent that I never wanted to be. But it wasn't until I opened up my Bible that I really understood why I could not let this go. I knew I needed to read Psalm 51, so that's where I and all of my emotional turbulence turned.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight....

The reason I couldn't get past what had happened was not because I had become "that mom."

It was because I had become God.

In that moment, I had decided that what I wanted and felt I needed were more important than anything or anyone else. I chose not to live out Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law." 

Instead of choosing love of my family, I chose love of myself.

Instead of choosing joy in my circumstances, I chose despair.

Instead of choosing peace, I chose strife.

Instead of choosing patience, I chose short-temperedness.

Instead of choosing kindness and goodness, I chose anger.

Instead of choosing gentleness, I chose harsh words.

Instead of choosing faithfulness and self-control, I chose to give into my desires.

There I laid, on my bed, condemned as a wife and a mother--a failure as a child of God. But God reminded me--and reminds me still--that I am, in fact, not condemned but forgiven and loved. I am not--you are not--a lost cause. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

A friend recently shared an article that really helped me to put all of my thoughts into words:

The next time you’re tempted to say “I hate myself” because of the lingering sin in your life, take a deep breath, regroup, read Psalm 139, and get back in the game. “The righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity” (Proverbs 24:16). The righteous fall. Falling is not the defining issue. The wicked listen to the accuser (Revelation 12:10) and don’t get back up. The righteous get back up.

Oftentimes, it's how we deal with our failures and shortcomings that defines us. It is just heart-wrenching to know that what you have said and done cannot be unsaid or undone. And I, for one, can begin to hate myself as I see myself branded by one moment in time. As Paul so eloquently said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate" (Romans 7:15).

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Through it all, the amazing truth is that God's love never fails and never gives up on us. Rather than being branded by our ugliest moments, we are branded as God's own. Instead of finding ourselves weighed down by our failures, we find grace springing up from an unending Source. We find that His mercies are indeed new every morning.

Okay, so I am very loosely tying in this photograph with the idea of "grace springing up." ;)

Expectations

Everyday I expect certain things to happen. When I wake up and push the handle on my faucet, I expect water to come out. When I put my key in the ignition and turn it, I expect my car to start. I also have expectations of the people around me (like expecting my husband to take out the trash--wink, wink).

The danger, however, is when I start demanding what was expected of those in my life. Or when I expect things to go wrong, and waste my time worrying about them.

We spent several days this month with my dad's family in Florida, who we really only get to see once a year. Growing up, I always set high expectations on our time together, since we didn't get to see each other everyday. I would try to be on my best behavior, and I set out to never make any waves. I wanted things to be peaceful and to make everyone happy. Fast forward to my adult life and the fact that I now have a family of my own, and things haven't completely changed. Only, this time I am praying that we can handle our two boys flying on our laps when we have to get up before the crack of dawn to leave, and, oh, please, please let them sleep while we are there, and I sure hope nothing too valuable gets broken in a house that has not been toddler-proofed.

And there was my first mistake--I kept slipping into worry and anxiety.

I've always loved this quote from Anne of Green Gables. It ties right in with Matthew 6:34, "So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." I would say that I'm pretty optimistic, but sometimes I'm afraid to assume something will go well, so, in trying to be realistic, I swing the opposite way and set my expectations low. What a waste of my time and energy! How much more enjoyable my time would be if I remember to look forward to the good things ahead and expect the best of things. And how detrimental the sin of worry is to my silly heart.

My second mistake was getting so caught up in the less important details of schedules and in all of the "what ifs" that I forgot to focus on the relationships. What I should have been doing was preparing my heart for our visit and asking God to help me to be a blessing to my family. Sometimes I struggle with how much my family and I are not involved in each other's lives. Oftentimes, I have expectations I set up for them that are not met, and my emotions come crashing down when they are not met. And now that my family members are grandparents and aunts and uncles, I feel similarly (if not more strongly) on my children's behalf.

How unfair I am.

How many times do I fail to meet up to others' ideals for me and am shown grace over and over again? How many times have I hoped or wanted or demanded someone to say or do certain things but never actually communicated these expectations to them? How many times have I held someone up to a standard that I myself am not meeting?

Once again, I am reminded that I need to adopt the mantra of "an attitude of gratitude". I am so thankful for the family I have been placed in and how they love me and my little family. I am so thankful for all I have learned through all the ways we function and dysfunction. And I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father and brothers and sisters in Christ in the amazing family of God. We cannot expect our relationships to fill what is lacking in our lives--only Jesus can do that.

So appreciate what you have. And if you're struggling, give it over to the One who "is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).

And So We Learn

A friend recently asked me to reflect on what God taught me in 2013.

That's a rather large undertaking.

I mean, it was quite the eventful year for us:  we celebrated our son's first birthday, we found out we were pregnant again, we moved (not far), we added another boy to our brood, and I quit my job to stay home with our two kiddos.

So, it's no surprise that the overarching theme of 2013 for me was the call to trust. I struggled with not knowing the outcome of this pregnancy. I struggled with the decision of how our baby would be born. I struggled with the desire to stay home.

Source

At the beginning of last year, I wrote this:

You see, somewhere along the way, the things we desire so much--even the good things--become our idols. They creep up somewhat unsuspectingly, and push God out of that number one place in our hearts. We stop being still and start striving like little children who see something forbidden just out of their reach. And we start to doubt something fundamental:  that God is good. Because God can't really be good if He withholds good from me.

It is so easy to confuse what I think is best with what God's best for me is. But being at home with the littles has only shed more light on how selfish I am--how I long for peaceful circumstances and tend to take the easy road. All of these things--trust, idolatry, selfishness--they are all the same lesson needing to be learned and relearned.

Some friends of ours just returned from a mission trip to Honduras, and they were amazed that the people there were so joyful in the midst of their poverty. Though they were living in mud huts with tin roofs and four or five to a bed, they were rich in so many other things. Our friends remarked that it seemed that we Americans have surrounded ourselves with things that rob us of our joy and the necessity to trust God. As we look at possibly (finally!) buying a house this year, I can't help but examine my heart in this process. And when I take a closer look, it's not that pretty. "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27). I want to trust God with this search for a home for our family; yet, my heart wants to find a nice house, get a good deal on it, and have it located within my comfort zone.

Would it matter if my house is spacious and beautiful but the people within it are angry and bitter? Would it matter if we saved money only to spend it all on things to fill the house but not hearts? While I do need to trust God to lead us to the right house, I need to be petitioning God daily to help us set up the right home. I need to ask Him to change my heart and help me to choose to do the hard things with my children that will build a lasting foundation in their lives. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the struggles of trusting God with the urgent matters in our lives that need answers and forget to entrust the entirety of our lives to him. This week, I was praying for my son as he repeatedly threw up while battling a 24-hour flu bug. But do I pray daily for him to see the light of Christ? Do I pray for him to have a soft heart toward discipline and authority and have a teachable spirit? At lunch, we prayed that God would keep Daddy safe and protect him from the cold. But do I regularly pray that God would grow my husband as a father and lead our family through him?

Maybe part of growing up is learning that life is full of moments of surrender to God. It's not just a one-time decision of dedication. It's not just asking Him to handle the big events in our lives. 

Source

Like the name of this blog, it is the little things in life--the common, everyday, I'm-struggling-just-to-brush-my-teeth-before-I-fall-into-bed moments--that make up a life. And so, I think that this year, it's time to dig a little deeper and trust God more in the everyday.

One Word

I feel as though I am on the cusp of many changes in my life. There is, of course, the ringing in of the new year. And in this new year, we are settling into being a family of four. With the addition of another little one to our household, we have made the decision for Mom (that's me!) to stay at home; that alone is a huge life change for both Jordan and I. And as I enter into the last week of my twenties--that's right, the big three-oh is waiting for me on Friday--I find myself in a reflective mood.

A few days ago, I saw an author discussing his book, One Word That Will Change Your Life. I have never read the book and probably never will, but I did like what he had to say. They were discussing resolutions, and he explained his philosophy: "One Word explains how to simplify your life and business by focusing on just ONE WORD for the entire year. The simplicity of choosing one word makes it a catalyst for life-change. Clutter and complexity lead to procrastination and paralysis, while simplicity and focus lead to success and clarity." His three main points were to "look in, look up, and look out." The idea is that each year you pick a new word that you want to define your year and be your focus for change, like compassion or gratefulness.

I really did not give it too much thought again until this morning. I was overwhelmed this morning during communion by what God has given me and what He sacrificed for me to have it. And as I was reflecting on what I have in Christ and how my heart needs to change, my word slammed into my heart and mind.

Servanthood.

There are so many things that I want to work on as I enter a new year, a new decade, and a new phase of my life. There are so many areas where I feel like I fail or cannot even find the motivation to start trying because it just seems too hard or like a setup for failure. There are so many lessons that I know I still need to learn.

But if I could focus on just one thing for now, it would be servanthood. I desire to have a servant's heart. To do things for others--not just out of mere obligation or duty, but because I delight in it. There is a story that John Piper tells of how he can best follow God's command to love his wife. He could, of course (and this is all paraphrased), show up to their door with a dozen roses. And when she answers the door, he could hand them to her and say, "These are for you...because that is what a good husband is supposed to do." Or, he could show up with those same dozen roses and say, "I wanted to give these to you so much, just to see your face lighting up like it is now. You are my delight." That is why his mantra is, "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him."

I want to delight in laying down my life for my husband.

He deserves someone who places his needs before her own. I want to strive to not only do the things we have come to expect from each other but to look for ways to live out love to him by serving him. I want to be the kind of partner who helps to carry his burdens, instead of adding to them. I want to take joy in bringing him joy and creating a joyful home for him to return to everyday. And I want to be the kind of wife that he can place his trust in because I am a good steward of all of the things we have worked so hard for and, like the Proverbs 31 woman, I make good use of the things we have so graciously been given.

I want to delight in laying down my life for my sons.

There is still so much I have to learn:  about being a parent, about babies who become boys who become men, about representing Christ to my children by the way that I live--so that they might be drawn to Him by what they see in me--and about living a lifestyle of grace where love of others overpowers love of self. I want to teach my boys that hard work is not only demanded of us, but it pays off in the end and it builds you into the kind of person others can depend on. I want to demonstrate to them that, in a family, you always come last, and when you focus on the needs of others, the dying to self comes easier everyday. I want to pour myself out each day (oh, how I want this but my heart is so disinclined toward it!) as a wife and a mother, so at the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing left, and I have to run to God and be filled by His strength and His heart because this just cannot come from me.

I want to delight in laying down my life for my friends.

One of the more difficult things I have found about starting a family is the challenge of allowing friendships to evolve to make room for the new people in your life without letting those friendships fall by the wayside. Some of my dearest friends I hardly ever get to see because our schedules are just so hard to work out. And some of the best days of my life were in college when my friends were also my roommates. I loved the movie nights, Dairy Queen runs, when other friends would sleep over, and talks that would go late into the night. My heart still craves that kind of close female friendship--it seems like lately I get little tastes of it here and there but not enough to really satisfy that need.

If I desire this friendship so much, then I need to put myself out there. Everyone my age is busy, either with things at home or at work or with ministry. But if I don't put forth the effort, then how can I reap the rewards? I want to be a better friend to those who have stood by me for so long. I think it starts with little things:  texting an encouraging word, asking how I can pray for them (and actually praying for them), or making room in our schedules for a coffee date. But I want to go even deeper than that. I want to look for ways that I can show love to my friends. I want to find a way to be involved in their lives even when time and distance prevents me from being physically present in their lives as much as I would like. I need to put forth the effort to make things happen. And I am still okay with a late night chat from time to time. :)

"The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." --Matthew 23:11-12

What If...

Source

Do you ever have those random, depressing "what if..." thoughts? Today, as I was driving home, I was thinking about how my family in Florida has been pressuring me to set a date to visit over my sister's winter break. I am completely dreading how much work it is going to be to travel with both our kids and then have all of us stay in one room for several days. I found myself wishing that, just once, my family would come visit me. How much easier that would be!

I love my dad, but he has only come to visit me when we first moved to Iowa when I was seven, once a couple of years later, for my high school graduation, and then for my wedding six years ago. So, I found myself thinking, "It would probably take something tragic for him to actually commit to coming." Boom. Like a flash of lightning, I had this "what if..." moment, where I imagined one of my children--or even a future child--deathly ill. I saw a hospital. I saw a church. I saw a slideshow at a funeral.

Then it was over.

These are not thoughts I usually dwell on, but when I have those moments that are over in the blink of an eye, they really make me think. When I'm driving and I see my car rear-ending the semi in front of me, I slow down. This evening, I thought back to earlier in the day when I was disciplining my toddler for the tenth time for climbing up on something he wasn't supposed to be climbing on. At the time, I found myself saying aloud, "How can I be so frustrated with my child?"

I love my oldest--I love him so much it almost hurts when I think about it too much. He brings so much joy to my life and to Jordan's. He teaches me new things all of the time and helps me to slow down and appreciate life. He is learning and growing daily, and I couldn't be prouder of him. He has days of pure sweetness where I want to shout to the world, "Look at my perfect baby!" But there are times, so help me, there are even days, it seems, where I am so exasperated with his behavior that I forget all of these good things.

So, when I had this brief "what if..." moment, I remembered that frustration, and I realized:

there are days I forget to be thankful for my greatest blessings.

There are days that I wake up to the sound of my toddler jabbering in his crib, and I don't give thanks that his lungs are healthy enough that I can hear him three rooms away through his closed door.

There are days that I change my baby's diaper for the fifteenth time, and I don't give thanks for how much he eats and the miracle that is his precious little body absorbing nourishment from mine.

There are days that I mumble a welcome home to my husband as I breathe a sigh of relief that it is no longer two against one, and I forget to give thanks for a man who goes to work everyday without complaint, then trudges home to help with diapers and baths and dishes and stories and bedtimes.

There are days that I receive messages from friends who love me and think of me and pray for me, and I don't give thanks for all of the people in my life who seem to know just when I need encouragement.

There are days--there are far, far too many days--that I wake up and go through my day, on my own, then collapse into bed, and I forget to give thanks for my salvation. Somehow, I fail to be daily blown away by the amazing grace and mercy shown to me by my Father. Somehow, I fail to fall to my knees in gratefulness for the love that has been shown to me through the sacrifice of my Savior. 

Somehow, I fail to recognize that I don't deserve any of these blessings.

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Walking to the Beat of a New Drum

Hopefully, Baby will be here three weeks from Tuesday. We are getting so close!

In case you can't read the signs, Kieran's says "18 months" and mine "8 months". :)

Once again, my friend, Diane, took some lovely maternity pictures for us.

She shot some 18-month photos for us, as well.

Last year, I posted about waiting for Kieran and how I should be waiting for heaven or for Christ's return with the same level of anticipation, if not more (subsequently, I did go into labor that evening). This week, I have been mulling over how much my perspective changes toward the end of my pregnancy. It becomes so difficult for me to...get as invested in certain things that those around me seem to be occupying themselves with. Part of that is just plain scheduling:  "Can I really say I can go to that event when I might be in the hospital?" But a lot of it has to do with perspective. These mini crises over here just don't seem that important anymore. Someone's complaints about such-and-such just don't affect me the way they used to.

I suppose you start to look at everything through the lens of, "Well, I'm almost done growing a baby here, and that is much more important." This is not to imply that other people don't matter; rather, this part of my pregnancy gives me a chance to see how many nonessential, non-important things tend to take over my days. Those other little things just seem to fall away now that I have this tunnel vision.

This parallels to my thoughts last year, in that, I think that this, too, could apply to my walk with Jesus. What if I had that kind of tunnel vision for the Kingdom? What if I stopped letting the tiny little things that don't matter but that so quickly add up to overwhelm and overtake my life take precedence and allowed my life to be set to the beat of my Master's heart?

I have been struggling a lot lately with feeling inadequately equipped to take care of two little people that God has entrusted me with. And the reason I feel that way is because I am! Time and time again, I fail to take advantage of the tools He has provided me with.

You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands. May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word. ...I will never forget your commandments, for by them you give me life. ...Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. ...How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey.

I am looking forward to spending more time in the Word and in prayer over the next few weeks as I ask God to continue to mold me into the woman I need to be for the tasks that lay before me. If you think of us, could you pray for us, as well? It is kind of scary going into this second birth knowing that we have a 60-70 percent chance of doing this all the normal way. ...Meaning that there is still a 30-40 percent chance that I will have to have another c-section. I tend to feel like all of the pressure is on me to see this thing through, but, truthfully, all the pressure is on God. :) He will accomplish what He will--it is just a matter of me trusting and relying on Him to do the very best thing! 

Don't Cross the Street

His handwriting is impeccable.

I love my boy. He is full of spunk, a love for life, and brings me so much joy. It's so crazy that he is now 18 months old!

I love my boy, but I don't always love what he does. For instance, today we were playing out at Grandma and Grandpa's farm. Several times he tried to run out onto the road, and several times I had to redirect him. I explained to him that he could play anywhere he wanted on this side of the road but he was not to go into the road. Eventually, the temptation would become too much for him, and he would canter in his toddler pitter-patter down to the road, thinking he could outrun me (which, surprisingly, he can't--even with me at eight months pregnant). Feeling like he knew that he was doing something he was specifically asked not to do, I told him that if he went near the road one more time, he would lose his outside time.

Can you guess what he did? :)

Telling this story to Jordan later this evening, I was struck once again by how similar that behavior is to how I respond to my Father. I had said, "Toddlers are like puppies:  they instinctively find boundaries and then spend all their time trying to figure out how to get over, under, or across them, convinced that there must be something better on the other side that you are tragically keeping them from."

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters" (Romans 8:28-29).

How is He trying to lead you...and protect you?

My little teacher. :)

Trails, Trains, and Teachable Moments

Sometimes gifts come wrapped up in pretty packages or in envelopes or brown paper boxes. Sometimes they come in smiles and giggles and that feeling you get when you see your two loves enjoying life together.

Enjoying the tricycle we gave him for his birthday

This little boy loves to be outside! Rocks, sticks, pieces of bark...they are all fascinating to him. He loves the freedom of being able to run anywhere in any direction. It is so hard for me when he cries when we have to take him inside again.

He also loves anything with wheels; in fact, he can say, "truck", "tractor" (sort of), and "car". So, we were super excited to be able to take him on a train ride with grandma and grandpa!

It is an interesting process, watching your baby take off without you. Uphill, downhill, tripping over dips in the ground. It struck me as I was letting him run free the other day that we are a lot alike. When Kieran was nearing an area that I knew was somewhat dangerous for him to venture into, I tried to turn him around. Of course, he dug his heels in and tried to pull back to where he wanted to go. Since my first attempt didn't work, I then picked him up and started to carry him away from the danger. Surprise, surprise...this led to squealing and kicking for me to put him down so he could run back to where he wanted to go. After walking a few yards, I told him, "If you want to enjoy your walk with Mama, then you need to walk where I want you to walk. You'll have a lot more fun if you don't waste your time resisting me."

We had to repeat this process a few more times--whether or not he learned anything is still a mystery to me, but he did enjoy walking with me in between his distractions. I realized that this is exactly what I do with my Daddy. I like to walk with Him when He leads me where I want to go. But I get so easily distracted by the things that I desire that I run ahead of him. It's no surprise that I stumble and fall. And when I cry out to God, I seem surprised that He was right there the whole time. I am the one who let go of His hand. I am the one who thought I saw something better and, like Eve, thought God was withholding something good from me. I am the one who runs back when the thing is not good and says, "God, where were you in that?" And I am the one who so easily forgets the joy of walking with my Father.

Sometimes, I just need a little reminder.

The Truth About Real Men

Anticipating the arrival of our new little one has brought about many conversations about life and the future. Through it all, I have grown to appreciate just how thankful I am to be facing all of the unknown with someone I love, trust, and admire. While he is by no means perfect, my husband has shown me time and time again what it really means to be a man--a true sketch of character that has manifested itself to me over the years.

1. Real men laugh.
   Real men aren't afraid to laugh at themselves. They don't take themselves too seriously, and they are comfortable with losing from time to time--even to a girl. :) They also don't take life too seriously. Real men recognize that life is meant to be lived and lived well.
2. Real men cry.
   This doesn't mean that they dissolve into a puddle of tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe they cry only at the important moments of life--maybe only once in their lifetime. But they recognize the importance of tears, and they don't belittle those who shed them. The few times that I have witnessed my husband cry have left an indelible impression in my mind and a greater glimpse of his true strength.
3. Real men show affection.
   Real men recognize the importance of human contact, and they are not afraid of it. Whether it's wrestling with the kids on the floor or holding his wife's hand in a crowd, a real man publicly proclaims, "We belong to each other." Real men also recognize the importance of not showing affection. Whether single or married, they are respectful of women and treat them as the sisters they are.
4. Real men use their words.
   
   My husband often jokes that men have three emotions:  "Hungry, tired, and angry." A real man uses his words to convey his frustration, rather than slamming doors, shutting down, or getting revenge. He knows how to biblically handle his anger. He also knows how much good a well-placed, heartfelt word can do. Like a coach seeking to inspire his team, he knows that those around him need to be built up in order to flourish and succeed. Every time Jordan tells me what a good wife or what a good mom I am, I can feel myself drinking up that reassurance, storing it up for the next time I fail or the next time I don't feel like doing what is right.
5. Real men play hard.
   
   Real men know that life isn't all about work. They take time to relax, to unwind, and to jump into the frivolity. They take time to really be with people 
6. Real men work hard.
   
   This is where I always feel like I can take a page from my husband's handbook. Jordan is simply one of the hardest workers I know. He can put in a long, back-breaking day, then go back for more the next day. He isn't afraid to get dirty or uncomfortable, and I know that he sees all of it as a way to provide for our family.
7. Real men have faith.
   
   Real men entrust their futures to a faithful Creator. Rather than being tossed about to and fro by what whatever comes along, they believe strongly in the truth and propel those around them to do the same. In our life together, it has been such an encouragement to hear my husband say that he believes we have a good marriage. It really wouldn't matter too much what I think if I didn't have the confidence that Jordan believes in us, too.
8. Real men serve others.
   
   Rather than seeking to enable their own cause, real men lay down their lives for those around them. When he marries, a real man recognizes that, from that day forward, his wife comes first. And when he holds his child in his arms for the very first time, he realizes that he has given up, oh, so many freedoms but that the rewards of giving his life for this little one will last a lifetime. He gives freely of his time to those around him, and no task is beneath him.
9. Real men are humble.
   
   Real men recognize their worthlessness. While they are pressured to do everything by their own strength, real men know that on their own, they can only accomplish that which will fade away. They see Christ's strength magnified in their weaknesses, and they rejoice in the chance to honor Him. They don't always have to be the best or the brightest but are content in being beloved and redeemed. They are broken by their sin and, rather than hiding it, are transparent enough to share their struggles and ask for help.
10. Real men look to (and look like) Jesus.
    
    People will fail. Fathers, brothers, husbands, sons...they all will disappoint in some way. But the one steadfast example of real manhood lies in the person of Jesus Christ. A man who honored women. A man who spent time with outcasts. A man who wasn't afraid to buck tradition. A man who served those who ought to be subservient to him. A man who faced temptation and fought it with the very Word of God. A man who laid down His rights and His desires. A man who chose to be obedient. A man who chose to take the hard path.
    
    A man who gave up His very life.