When Waiting is Hard

Maybe you're waiting to hear on a job you were hoping to land. Or a call from that realtor about the house that seems like it's just the right fit.

Or a diagnosis.

Perhaps you are waiting for life in general to get better … or just hoping it won't get worse.

As for me, I found myself waiting for another child. Different desires would overtake me at different times. One moment, I would be sitting on the floor completely content to be reading a book to my two lovely boys; later, I would be vacuuming and realize I just spent the last 20 minutes thinking, "If we were to get pregnant this month, this is when our baby would be born," and daydreaming about what it would be like.

Logically, I knew that it didn't matter when or even if we had another child. Not only could I be content with what I had been given, I could learn to be content with His timing, too. But in my heart, I had ideas and plans – I had my own timing. And it seemed like no one really cared about any of it. It is a difficult thing when husband and wife are not on the same page. … And not because of arguing or strife, but simply because one can feel passionately about something while the other does not share the same conviction.

Finally, while going through a study on James, I realized that this had become an idol in my life. The problem wasn't really that I wanted to have a baby (sooner rather than later). The problem was that I wanted life to go my way. That I wasn't satisfied in waiting on God. When the realization poured over me that this was something I thought about every single day, I knew it was time to do more than just lightly bring up the topic with my husband. So I wrote to him – like I always do when something really heavy is weighing me down.

I have started praying that God would show me why I can't stop thinking about someone who, in all reality, may not ever exist. I love you so much, and Kieran and Elias, too. And I feel pretty strongly that if God were to never give us another child, I could be okay with that. But I never do well with the in-betweens. After we miscarried Asher and before I discovered that we were pregnant with Kieran, I struggled with all the "what ifs" and the "whens." I guess, in some things, I like to have a general idea of what's going to happen.

I was so nervous to approach Jordan with this. I mean, I would never want to be that wife who pressures her husband into a decision that he still needs time to make. But I also would hate for something like this to build up into hurt and discord in our marriage.

… If this makes you feel bad, I'm sorry. But maybe you can understand that as intense as that feeling can sometimes be, I obviously don't feel like that all day, everyday. I am so thankful for you and our boys and the station in life I have so graciously been given. So please have patience with me, try to understand my heart, and ask God to help us stay unified ….

It can be difficult to walk around with a heart that is filled with the chaos of being divided. Once I had shared my heart with my husband and laid it all out before the Lord, I was able to find rest. I was able to understand that, while my husband was okay with "now," he wasn't in a hurry, either. My desires didn't change, but my perspective did. And the best part of all this was that as I was giving my idol over to Him, He was the only one who knew that I was already carrying the newest member of our family. He simply loves me that much that He wanted to draw me closer to Him first.

This verse is actually about Abraham, but I love that I can also take hold of God's promises. :)
Source

Celebrations

It's been a crazy couple of weeks! I finished up my 10-week program at Farrell's on the 21st, and Jordan and I took an overnight getaway to Minneapolis on the 27th and 28th.

Although I was hoping to push a little bit harder, I have to say that I was pleased with my results when I tested out on the last day of the program. I lost 8.5 pounds according to their scale – 10 pounds according to my own – and a total of 4% body fat. In addition, I lost two inches off of my waist and a total of 10.25 inches combined off of my chest, waist, hips, arms, and thighs. But what really impressed me was my strength gain! My push-ups increased from 19 (toes) and 17 (knees) to 30 (toes) and 33 (knees) in one minute. My sit-ups increased from a measly 8 in one minute to 26. I also gained two inches on my sit-and-reach and shaved 2:19 off of my mile.

All of this hard work really put me in the mood to celebrate! I was so excited that I was able to keep our anniversary destination a secret from Jordan. A few months ago, I found a Groupon for a hotel in downtown Minneapolis. I thought Jordan would like the fact that the building used to be a really grand old bank (a farmer's and mechanic's savings bank, to be exact). The hotel's restaurant is laid out in the original lobby, and you can still see where the bank tellers would be and such. They also keep their wine in the bank's vault, in case you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Before heading downtown, we stopped at the Mall of America and did a little shopping – mostly just enjoying the fact that it was just the two of us. I had asked a friend that lives in the Cities for a couple of recommendations for good places to eat, so I was really excited to try one of them out; however, the hotel had a surcharge of $13.95 per day for basic internet access, so I couldn't access my messages to see what they were. I was pretty frustrated, but we took it in stride and headed out to take in the sites and see if anything struck our fancy. After walking around for awhile, we backtracked to a Brazilian steakhouse, Fogo de Chao.

While we were waiting for a table, we asked to see a menu, but we were so confused because we couldn't find prices anywhere! When we were seated, we were directed to the salad bar … silly us, it wasn't until after we went through that we thought to speak up and ask how the pricing worked.  Let's just say that had we known, we wouldn't have stayed.

Still, the food was delicious, and it was an experience, as well. The salad bar was very good and a little more exotic than you might usually find. When at your table, you are served rolls and family style side dishes that are constantly being replenished. But the best part is the meat. Waiters are always walking by with some sort of meat that has been rotisseried:  fillet mignon, top sirloin, garlic beef, chicken and sausage, parmesan-encrusted pork loin, lamb chops, leg of lamb, shrimp … I'm sure I'm forgetting something! It's definitely a time to throw caution to the wind and overeat. Speaking of which, we were given a complimentary dessert for our anniversary, but there was no way we could eat another bite. We chose the turtle cheesecake and ended up eating it later that evening in our hotel room with these gigantic coffee stirrers that just happened to double as chopsticks. 

We had a wonderful time, and I am convinced that it was time well spent. We really needed to remember what it was like to just be a couple! 

We returned to a sad, sick little two-year-old but were very thankful for a grandma who took good care of him. Needless to say, by that evening, he was back to his energetic, ornery little self. :) Tonight, I cried a little after I put him to bed on his last night of being two. Last night I asked him how old he was going to be on his birthday, and Kieran said, "Three! I'm gonna be smart, Mom."

Life is never dull.

Refreshed and Recharged

I have a few blog posts in my head that have not made their way out yet, so I thought I would tide you over with what's been going on with our little family lately. More specifically, here is what is going on with the littlest member of our family.

This adorable ten-month-old boy has been growing in leaps and bounds, it seems. He no longer has army crawling as his only mode of transportation, he can also crawl on his hands and knees if he has a mind to. He loves to pull himself to standing and can, thankfully, find his way back down to his knees or his bottom most of the time. Elias has been able to say, "mama," for awhile, and he can also say, "dada," "uh-oh," and "bath" (although I'm a little unsure on that last one).

He loves to eat and can even get a spoon in his mouth if all of the circumstances are working in his favor. He likes eggs, fruit, sweet potatoes, squash, chicken, roast beef, noodles, and all manners of crackers or cereal. :)

As a family, we are trying to soak up the last rays of this transition from summer to fall, enjoying some time outside whenever we have the chance.

Because I remember silly things like that, Jordan and I celebrated our ten-year dating anniversary along with our 7 1/2 year wedding anniversary. Jordan's gracious mama babysat our children for us so we could go out to our favorite Thai restaurant and have some good one-on-one time, followed by my first jamocha shake in three years at our favorite coffee shop, Burgie's (this is hand-scooped ice cream and real espresso, my friends!).

It was good to have some opportunities to reconnect this weekend, as I have really been struggling lately with how I have been doing as a parent (and a stay-at-home parent, at that) … but that's for another post. All in all, I am so glad that God gives us times of refreshment when He knows we need them the most. We all need to recharge sometimes so we can jump back into our jobs, our families, and our ministries with renewed vigor. 

He never lets us run dry.

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence." ~2 Peter 1:3

Somewhere in the Middle

Last week, I had one day where I pretty much fell apart.

Even when I was struggling with a newborn and a young toddler, I never felt like I had a day like this. I was dealing with one really grumpy baby (Honestly, I can't even remember the reason anymore--teething, maybe?), one increasingly grumpy toddler who wanted more attention than what the baby was taking away from him, and no afternoon naps.

When my husband came home, he was frustrated with me about some miscommunication that we had had, and, for some reason, that was the last straw for this overwrought mama. I felt like an all-out failure, but at the same time, I was offended that this should all seem like my fault. I just couldn't let things go, and after a couple of hours my frustration and anger went from simmering to boiling over. And I--a woman who usually thinks of herself as easy-going and laid-back--yelled at my family.

Oh, it kills me just to put that in writing.

I really felt like I needed to get out of the house, but when my husband (bless his soul) suggested that I stay and talk it out, I burst out with something to the effect of, "Why?!" Then, pointing to each family member in turn, I exclaimed, "You don't like me! You don't like me!! And you don't like me!!!" Believe me, I regretted it as soon as my little rant was over. I eventually apologized to the people I love most in the world and was able to put it aside for awhile, but at the end of the evening, I was just racked with guilt.

"I hate myself," I told my husband. We talked about how the day went. We talked about how, in the span of a few short hours, I felt like I had become the parent that I never wanted to be. But it wasn't until I opened up my Bible that I really understood why I could not let this go. I knew I needed to read Psalm 51, so that's where I and all of my emotional turbulence turned.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight....

The reason I couldn't get past what had happened was not because I had become "that mom."

It was because I had become God.

In that moment, I had decided that what I wanted and felt I needed were more important than anything or anyone else. I chose not to live out Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law." 

Instead of choosing love of my family, I chose love of myself.

Instead of choosing joy in my circumstances, I chose despair.

Instead of choosing peace, I chose strife.

Instead of choosing patience, I chose short-temperedness.

Instead of choosing kindness and goodness, I chose anger.

Instead of choosing gentleness, I chose harsh words.

Instead of choosing faithfulness and self-control, I chose to give into my desires.

There I laid, on my bed, condemned as a wife and a mother--a failure as a child of God. But God reminded me--and reminds me still--that I am, in fact, not condemned but forgiven and loved. I am not--you are not--a lost cause. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

A friend recently shared an article that really helped me to put all of my thoughts into words:

The next time you’re tempted to say “I hate myself” because of the lingering sin in your life, take a deep breath, regroup, read Psalm 139, and get back in the game. “The righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity” (Proverbs 24:16). The righteous fall. Falling is not the defining issue. The wicked listen to the accuser (Revelation 12:10) and don’t get back up. The righteous get back up.

Oftentimes, it's how we deal with our failures and shortcomings that defines us. It is just heart-wrenching to know that what you have said and done cannot be unsaid or undone. And I, for one, can begin to hate myself as I see myself branded by one moment in time. As Paul so eloquently said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate" (Romans 7:15).

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Through it all, the amazing truth is that God's love never fails and never gives up on us. Rather than being branded by our ugliest moments, we are branded as God's own. Instead of finding ourselves weighed down by our failures, we find grace springing up from an unending Source. We find that His mercies are indeed new every morning.

Okay, so I am very loosely tying in this photograph with the idea of "grace springing up." ;)

Three Truths for Lasting Love

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

--Ephesians 3:14-20 

Seven years ago, we had this passage recited during our wedding ceremony. When I read these verses again on Sunday, I realized just how well they relate to me and to marriage. There are three main points that ring true and are the key to a lasting relationship:

1. Be united.
   
   
   Just as we see the Father, the Spirit, and Christ dwelling together in perfect unity, so we should strive for that same relationship. They are distinctly different, yet always one. There is complete satisfaction within the relationship--the Creator did not make us because He was lonely, but because He is loving. In the same way, a marriage consists of two people, not two plus the kids or two plus a mother or two plus a best friend. We made a promise to each other that we will not complain to others about our spouse (we should never complain at all, but that is a tough one to overcome), and we always try to discuss the important issues with each other first before we ever share them with a friend or family member.
   
   
   We need to face the future and all its unknowns together, but more than that, we must look to our future with a mutual trust in God. We will never find perfect unity as long as we are on this earth, but the only way we can even come close is if we are both striving to be like Christ and be united with Him. "Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself" (1 Samuel 18:1). This word picture of two souls being knit together, as they were with these best friends that were like brothers, relates so well to what a growing marriage should look like.
   
   
2. Be loving.
   
   
   When I look at my two little boys, sometimes I am overcome with such an overwhelming love for them, that I really don't know how to contain it. But there is always that moment when one displays the ugliness of his sinful heart (and he is a product of me!), and I am not awash with mushy, sentimental feelings--no, I do not like this little person right now. ...Do I love him still? Of course! Love should never be contingent on another's actions or behaviors.
   
   
   But even my fierce mama love cannot compare to the love of Christ; "it is too great to understand fully." His love is strong. His love makes us complete. It is empowering. It is something we can cling to in the darkest of times. It is multi-dimensional. It is unconditional. If you want to love your spouse, seek to love like Christ. Because He is the only example of true, selfless love that we can ever hope to imitate.
   
   
3. Be in prayer and in the Word.
   
   
   I fail at this. All. The. Time.
   
   
   But I cannot overstate the fact that if you want a relationship that lasts, then you are not going to find the answers in books or talk shows or from The Huffington Post. The answers are in God's words to us--and not just passages like Ephesians 5. The whole Bible is given to us so that we might know how to live and how to love. "'Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?' Jesus replied, '"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: "Love your neighbor as yourself." The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments'" (Matthew 22:36-40).
   
   So simple; yet, so unattainable for our faithless hearts. How is it that we need help just to love the God who made us? In the same way, I desperately need God to transform my heart into one that is loyal to my husband. One that loves even when it does not feel loved. One that does not cower and wither and shut itself up when hurt. One that loves and loves and then loves more, even when there is nothing left to give. One that dips into the reserves of love and grace an mercy found at the cross and finds that there is always a way for love to conquer sin and suffering and even death.

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners" (Romans 5:6-8).

The Truth About Real Men

Anticipating the arrival of our new little one has brought about many conversations about life and the future. Through it all, I have grown to appreciate just how thankful I am to be facing all of the unknown with someone I love, trust, and admire. While he is by no means perfect, my husband has shown me time and time again what it really means to be a man--a true sketch of character that has manifested itself to me over the years.

1. Real men laugh.
   Real men aren't afraid to laugh at themselves. They don't take themselves too seriously, and they are comfortable with losing from time to time--even to a girl. :) They also don't take life too seriously. Real men recognize that life is meant to be lived and lived well.
2. Real men cry.
   This doesn't mean that they dissolve into a puddle of tears at the drop of a hat. Maybe they cry only at the important moments of life--maybe only once in their lifetime. But they recognize the importance of tears, and they don't belittle those who shed them. The few times that I have witnessed my husband cry have left an indelible impression in my mind and a greater glimpse of his true strength.
3. Real men show affection.
   Real men recognize the importance of human contact, and they are not afraid of it. Whether it's wrestling with the kids on the floor or holding his wife's hand in a crowd, a real man publicly proclaims, "We belong to each other." Real men also recognize the importance of not showing affection. Whether single or married, they are respectful of women and treat them as the sisters they are.
4. Real men use their words.
   
   My husband often jokes that men have three emotions:  "Hungry, tired, and angry." A real man uses his words to convey his frustration, rather than slamming doors, shutting down, or getting revenge. He knows how to biblically handle his anger. He also knows how much good a well-placed, heartfelt word can do. Like a coach seeking to inspire his team, he knows that those around him need to be built up in order to flourish and succeed. Every time Jordan tells me what a good wife or what a good mom I am, I can feel myself drinking up that reassurance, storing it up for the next time I fail or the next time I don't feel like doing what is right.
5. Real men play hard.
   
   Real men know that life isn't all about work. They take time to relax, to unwind, and to jump into the frivolity. They take time to really be with people 
6. Real men work hard.
   
   This is where I always feel like I can take a page from my husband's handbook. Jordan is simply one of the hardest workers I know. He can put in a long, back-breaking day, then go back for more the next day. He isn't afraid to get dirty or uncomfortable, and I know that he sees all of it as a way to provide for our family.
7. Real men have faith.
   
   Real men entrust their futures to a faithful Creator. Rather than being tossed about to and fro by what whatever comes along, they believe strongly in the truth and propel those around them to do the same. In our life together, it has been such an encouragement to hear my husband say that he believes we have a good marriage. It really wouldn't matter too much what I think if I didn't have the confidence that Jordan believes in us, too.
8. Real men serve others.
   
   Rather than seeking to enable their own cause, real men lay down their lives for those around them. When he marries, a real man recognizes that, from that day forward, his wife comes first. And when he holds his child in his arms for the very first time, he realizes that he has given up, oh, so many freedoms but that the rewards of giving his life for this little one will last a lifetime. He gives freely of his time to those around him, and no task is beneath him.
9. Real men are humble.
   
   Real men recognize their worthlessness. While they are pressured to do everything by their own strength, real men know that on their own, they can only accomplish that which will fade away. They see Christ's strength magnified in their weaknesses, and they rejoice in the chance to honor Him. They don't always have to be the best or the brightest but are content in being beloved and redeemed. They are broken by their sin and, rather than hiding it, are transparent enough to share their struggles and ask for help.
10. Real men look to (and look like) Jesus.
    
    People will fail. Fathers, brothers, husbands, sons...they all will disappoint in some way. But the one steadfast example of real manhood lies in the person of Jesus Christ. A man who honored women. A man who spent time with outcasts. A man who wasn't afraid to buck tradition. A man who served those who ought to be subservient to him. A man who faced temptation and fought it with the very Word of God. A man who laid down His rights and His desires. A man who chose to be obedient. A man who chose to take the hard path.
    
    A man who gave up His very life.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Four

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

50: The man who started it all...and the man I hope my son will strive to be like. Six years ago today, I walked down the isle to meet this imperfect man who was and is the perfect answer to my prayers. I stumbled upon this e-mail I wrote for reasons unknown to me now. It may not all make sense anymore, but it shows some of where we started.

All because two people fell in love.

Beloved, 

I know that I could tell you this in person--or over the phone--but I suppose that I am reverting to old habits.  In case you have not noticed (which would be almost impossible), I have been a little more touchy lately (for a myriad of reasons). I already apologized for it, but I want to explain to you why I felt it so necessary to apologize. 

I am not making excuses, although we are all allowed our "off days". I view being "chipper", excitable, happy, joyful, outgoing, etc. as one of the greatest gifts God has given me and uses through me. I absolutely love cheering people up and encouraging them and just helping to make their day a little bit brighter in any way I can. And just because I can share with you all of me and all that I'm feeling does not mean that I want to expend all of that time and energy on everyone else, and give you what's left over. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

And I want to become what you need me to be. I am not asking you to say, "It's okay" or, "I understand"; I just want you to see that I am trying to catch the little things that come up now that might be bigger later, when we are more intimate and spend more time together. I want to be your encourager. Jordan, it almost makes me cry because I think that that is and will be one of my greatest joys in life--one of God's purposes for me. I still want to tell you about my day, to let you know if I am bummed, and to cry on your shoulder if needed. Doesn't 'encourage' mean "to inspire courage"? I hope that as the years go by, you will always feel like you can call me or come home to me and draw strength and courage from me. Yes, you are my husband and my leader...and you will be as Christ to me. But as the Church does in Christ, I want to delight in you and bring honor to you and lift you up, that you might find joy--not necessarily in me, but as a result of God's work through me. 

As March 24th draws nearer (five months from next Tuesday!), I am thinking on these things more and more. And, I promise you, while I know we will have a lovely wedding and I am excited for that, I am infinitely more excited to become your wife--even if that does include becoming your dishwasher! ;o)  You are the biggest blessing in my life, and there is no greater man than you, in my estimation. Yes, there are great men in this world...but they are not you. So, perhaps this is more sappy and serious than you would like, but sometimes, I really do feel as though I might explode if I cannot tell you or show you how much I love you and adore you and how very special you are. 

I hope that you are having a great day, and, as always, I will strive to keep you before the throne of grace. 

Because He first loved me,

Sabrina

Shooting Star

Once again, I find myself writing a few devotionals for our church blog, and once again, I would like to share them with you. Here are my thoughts on Ephesians 5:

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true" (Ephesians 5:8-9, NLT).

Many of you spent a good chunk of your evening tonight at one Super Bowl Party or another. And a majority of you were probably more interested in the commercials than the game--at least until the last quarter. This particular commercial caught the attention of many:

The last part of the poem reminded me of the first verse in Ephesians 5:

[God said, "I need] somebody who'd bale a family together with the soft strong bonds of sharing, who'd laugh and then sigh...and then respond with smiling eyes, when his son says he wants to spend his life "doing what dad does". So, God made a farmer!"

Paul begins the chapter by saying, "Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children." A son should want to be like his dad--perhaps not always in profession but in character and integrity. Paul also encourages us to follow Christ our brother's example by living a life of sacrificial love. Because of the sacrifice so costly, yet free to us, we should remove ourselves from impurity and greed. The coarse talk that might have spewed forth from our mouths at one time should be replaced by words of thanksgiving to our Heavenly Father for this new life we have.

We are reminded of the stark difference between our old life and our new life. Our old life was full of darkness and evil, worthless and incurring God's anger. Our new life should be full of light, producing what is good, right, and true. And like a cancer patient who had once been given four months to live but is now cancer free, we should make the most of our time, realizing how short it really is.

In chapter three, Paul delves into the mystery of God's boundless love. In this chapter, he sheds some light on a really profound mystery:  marriage (insert smiley face here).

Seriously, though, Paul shows us how the relationship between husband and wife is a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church. Verse 21 through the end of the chapter enlighten us to God's plan for marriage. Study it. Memorize it. And ponder the question Gary Thomas poses in his book, Sacred Marriage:  "What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy. . . but holy?" 

A Letter to Myself: "On Your Wedding Day"

I have seen these "letters to myself" floating around recently and I thought I might try my hand at it. You have to know that I used to write letters to God and apology letters to my parents, so writing one to myself is not so far-fetched. :)

Dear Almost-Married Self,

I can see you there, you know, sitting on the steps leading up to the stage in the church auditorium. You are the first one in the building, soaking in the silence and the awe of God's presence on this day—a day that is seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, yet, a day that is so sacred because of the huge step of obedience and faith that is about to be taken. I hear your prayers and praises whispered up to the One you trust to hold your marriage together and mold you into the wife you want to be. And you are amazed by how peaceful you feel on this day—that God has allowed you to let go of everything and just experience the day He has given you.

But, here's the thing:  even if you have the perfect day (and it will be almost perfect), you are not perfect. Your husband-to-be is not perfect. What has come before and what is still to come is not and will not be perfect.

So keep letting go.

Let go of any ambitions you have of being the perfect wife:  always looking spectacular, always cooking up amazing dishes, always keeping your home spotless, always remembering everyone's birthdays, always having the right words to say (and knowing when to not say others), and always being a woman who makes her husband look good.

That kind of perfection is an idol. The only kind of perfection we should strive for is God's holiness, and even then Proverbs tells us to be excellent wives—not perfect—because only the blood of Christ can cover those ugly parts of our hearts that still remain. I know you have heard this before, but from the day the serpent deceived Eve in the garden, our hearts have been prone to such deception, and the greatest lies you will believe will come from yourself. Whether you think that you are not good enough for your husband or you think that you are a terrible wife at times, there is something that you have to know.

This marriage—this new creation—is not about you. Really, it is not even about your husband. It is about Christ. It has to be. If Paul said that it is better to be single, then the only lasting reason to marry (besides having children) is that you as a couple will better glorify Him than you would apart. In addition, all of your motivations have to come from Christ. 

Do you love Jordan because he is lovable? Because there are days that he will not be. You should love him because you find him lovely but also because God commanded you to have a loyal, steadfast love for your husband. Do you honor your husband because he is honorable? There are times that he will not be. You must honor him because you want to honor Christ. Remember Ephesians 5:22? "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." When you disrespect your husband, you disrespect the cross (how is that for perspective?). And then, when children come, you will be an ambassador to them. You represent Christ in their lives; when you tear down your husband, you can only imagine what that will do to their view of God. Besides, that is a terrible burden to place on this man who is pledging his life to you. He should never have to earn your love or respect; they should be given freely and without abandon.

I know that it is scary to think on how you will fail this man you are about to walk down the aisle to—to know that you will, in fact, fail each other on many occasions, and there is nothing that you can do about it. But please do not forget the beauty of this. As individuals and as two people made one, your weaknesses, your insufficiencies, and even your sin can be used for the glory of God. It is not those couples who hide all of their mistakes under a mask of self-righteousness that demonstrate Christ to the lost. It is those who humbly admit wrongs done and rejoice in the grace offered to them by their heavenly Father and by their husband or wife.

Be transparent. 

Be transparent with those around you. Obviously, your speech should be gracious, especially when it concerns your husband. But be open about how you have failed and how God is using that to mold you. Be transparent with your husband. You can talk and talk at him and never really share your heart with him. How can he love you as Christ loves the church if you do not take the time to really examine your heart and share your deepest desires with him? Learn each other's hearts, and find the path to unity that God has for you. Be transparent with God. Try not to run to your husband every time something is wrong, but run to God first. Share all the empty and ugly places of your heart with God (He already knows them anyway), and ask Him to fill them and replace them with His goodness. Hiding your sin will never make you a good wife.

Remember the bigger picture. 

A day, a week, a year...they will all be just one small part of the whole of your marriage. Even if you are not granted many years together, they are still a small part of eternity. Remember that His mercies are new every morning. So get up and try again the next day. Remember also that there are seasons in our lives; you will have dry times and times where it seems as though the blessings are overflowing. It all will pass, and you must stay grounded in the truth. Which leads me to plead with you:  study the Word. Do not let your Bible get dusty when life is busy. Do not speed through a chapter when you are tired and your pillow is calling. Do not miss those opportunities to soak in God's words to you! He has given you everything that you need for life and godliness—why would you ever ignore that?

For me, five years have passed since this day you are embarking upon. I will bet that you think I am well-seasoned by now, and I have it all mastered. Hardly! I can see that the adventure has just begun (hint: your first baby will be born exactly one week after your fifth anniversary!), and I have the best travel guides—a God who takes my hand and leads me step-by-step and a husband who holds me together when I fall apart.

There is so much more that I wish I could tell you. But, as I have now realized, only so much learning can come from books and the advice of others. You just have to hold your breath, jump in feet first, and trust that as you obey God, He will bring the increase in ways you could never imagine.

Happy wedding!

When There Just Aren't Enough Words

Sometimes, words do not do justice to how we feel. 

Sad.

Broken.

Empty.

When even crying seems like a hollow expression of how you truly feel or of what the situation deserves.

To my great joy and disbelief, Memorial Day weekend, I discovered that Jordan and I were pregnant. Pregnant! I had a little baby growing inside of me. A baby that I did not ask for, did not plead God for, did not spend time daydreaming would come. I had told God that I would be content in whatever circumstances we were in, and He was helping me be true to that. I liked our life.

But, oh...if He wanted us to have a baby, then who was I to argue? If His timing could surprise me, then I love surprises! I went into my extreme planning mode, and quickly thought how I could tell my husband of four years that he was going to be a father. I decided to go back to the beginning:  five years ago, this July, Jordan asked me to marry him in the dusky twilight at a lighted swinging bridge. Five years ago, he gave me a ring as a sign of his sincerity and a promise to indeed make me his wife. I wanted to take him back to this place where we had one of our beginnings. To make him walk me through what he did, what he was thinking, what made him nervous. Then, right where it all started for us, I wanted to get down on my knee, and nervously ask Jordan if he was ready to start a family with me because he was going to be a daddy!

This seemed like the perfect plan, so a few days later I sent off his wedding ring for some engraving. I wanted it to say:  One hope. One life. One family. 

A week-and-a-half they said. That is how long you will have to wait for your husband's ring. That is how long you will have to hold this secret inside of you, just like you hold this baby inside of you. And, while I was bursting at the seams, I had an appointment to find out when my baby was expected to enter into the world--another thing I could tell him during our special moment!

Friday, June 3rd, I got to see my Little One. I saw the sparkle of its heart beating and heard the fast-paced whooshing of those beats. Oh, the tears of joy that came when I realized that the God of the universe had begun to form a real person inside of me! Seven weeks and three days! That is how old my baby was already--I could not believe we were that far along.

Yesterday, the ring finally came in. It was perfect. It said everything I wanted it to say, perfectly summing up the vision I saw for our family. Only...I wasn't so sure our family was going to be three anymore. I had had a lot of pain over the last few days, pain that reached its crescendo early Friday morning at about 3:00 a.m. When I woke up, I felt like I just knew. Knew that it was just me. No one was sharing my body any more. 

I had an ultrasound late that morning to see what happened. Thankfully, I was okay--nothing scary on that end.  However, the very nice ultrasound technician confirmed my thoughts and feelings. Eight weeks and three days. That is as far as my baby made it. Eight weeks...such a very short time; yet, a lifetime for my Little One.

How do you describe the emptiness? The destruction of hopes and dreams? Plans made...gone. How do you tell your husband that he was going to be a dad, and in the same moment tell him his baby is gone? Ineffectually, I guess. Everything about this situation makes me feel ineffectual and confused. On the one hand, I am relieved that I finally get to share the last few weeks with my other half. I am relieved that my pain is gone and my body feels good again. I am relieved to just know how things turned out, when the last few days, in the back of my mind, I had already started preparing myself for this possibility--battling between hope and despair. On the other hand, I am angry at myself for being relieved. For making my stupid, stupid plans that forced me to tell Jordan everything in the span of an hour. And angry, too, at my body for betraying me and not letting me do the one thing I wanted to:  protect my child.

The whole situation is confusing. How can I grieve openly when no one knows I have anything to grieve about? One thing is sure:  I never, ever want to pretend like it did not happen. It did happen. I will always, always remember. That is why I want to get this all out--all at once. Rip the band-aid off. Cleanse the open wound.

The name of God I was going to write about next was Jehovah-Rapha, The Lord My Healer. 

God knew. 

"Rapha means 'to restore', 'to heal' or 'to make healthful' in Hebrew. ...Jehovah is the Great Physician who heals the physical and emotional needs of His people." After much traveling in the wilderness and complaints  from the Israelites, God reveals Himself to them in Exodus 15 as their Healer. In Hosea 11, God said this of Israel:

When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols. Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.

Even when we are faithless, He is faithful to heal us! If there are two things that are clearer to me now then ever before, it is that, one, I love my husband more than I ever have or could have thought possible. I rejoice and am thankful that he is simply amazing, and we are two pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle that fit perfectly together. And, two, God is near me. He is everything to me. He loves me--and my child--more than I will ever be able to comprehend. He is The Lord My Healer.

Spring Cleaning

So, here I am, doing a little spring cleaning--desperately trying to organize our second bedroom for once--when I come across one of the notes Jordan and I wrote to each other when we were dating. I'm glad that I held on to every little note and missive that passed between us because of my sappy sentimentality. I need to make them into a book for us...a crazy book that only he and I would ever understand. :)

Anywho, I discovered this little gem that I wrote to him when we were first dating:

My Top Ten List


Jordan,


Once upon a time, you made a list of reasons why I might be "the coolest kid ever", probably hoping that it would make me laugh and feel better (which it did), since I was having a rougher week. :) Well, I think it's my turn now--if you can make your small gestures, I can, too! So................


The Top 10 Reasons Why Jordan "Rocks My Face Off":

1. He bales hay...and enjoys it (what's up with that?).
2. He hangs out with Sabrina, even when she annoys herself [I really thought he would get sick of me at some point.].
3. He laughs at just about everything and has a great wicked cool sense of humor [Yes, I crossed out great and replaced it with "wicked cool". What can I say?].
4. He has a great smile that makes it so that you can't help but smile, too. :)
5. He has an amazing desire to serve the Lord and anyone else he can--and does it, too [He doesn't just talk about doing things, he actually sees them through.].
6. He is willing to take the chance of getting lost in the woods--IN THE DARK.
7. He has a heart that seeks after God and has compassion for those around him.
8. He works out like crazy sometimes but never lets it get to his head.
9. He is chivalrous and then some but lets others serve him, as well.
10. You are you--darkness, hilarity, and everything in between--and I wouldn't have it any other way [When I met him, he had a dark streak in his sense of humor which still pops up from time to time. I think he just likes to shock people. :)].

Cheesy? Perhaps. Funny? I hope so. True? Oh, sure. Thanks for just an amazing time of getting to know each other. God has been stretching me through you, and I praise him for every bit of it.

In His everlasting love,

Sabrina

I just had to laugh at myself during my walk down memory lane. I suppose it's good for you to look back on your own dorky-ness every now and then. And I am sure that I am the only one who ever feels that way....

Your Roots Will Make You Strong

Disclaimer:  This will be somewhat long and not a guy-friendly post, so you may want to grab a snack!

For me, 2010 will always be marked by the many weddings I had the joy of participating in. Every wedding has its own personality, and there is usually a sense of the couple's unique love story throughout the day. I do not usually define myself as an overly sentimental person, but getting married has opened my eyes to the wonder and expectation involved in one's wedding day, and I have learned to get wrapped up in the couple's perspective of hope and commitment. 

On our wedding day, Jordan and I chose a passage from Ephesians 3 to define our day, our marriage, and our lives:

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

I love that sentence, "Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." I would never have gotten married had I not had a confident assurance that the redeeming love of God would be the soil into which the roots of our marriage would grow. So, my greatest joy has been to watch my friends make this same commitment in a way that was theirs alone.

In January, I was a bridesmaid in Beth and Dan's wedding:

This couple had waited quite awhile for their day to come, and when it did, you never saw bigger smiles in your life! One of my favorite aspects of their wedding was seeing Dan lead worship during his own ceremony. I love watching them because I know that they want to always point to God first, and their day was such a testimony of His work in their lives. A winter wedding was so much fun, and little details like silver pine cone necklaces for the bridesmaids added special touches that rounded out the day.

In May, I was a matron (major dislike of that word) of honor in Becky and Jake's wedding:

Becky and Jake's thoughts were on everyone but themselves that day--okay, I know they were thinking about each other quite a bit, but their concerns were for everyone else. Their ceremony was such a special time of honoring the people who have been a godly influence in their lives and a humble expression of their thanks to the One who brought them together. Plus, I love that Becky's decorations (browns, deep orange, and a deep green) were purchased with the intention of later decorating their new home.

In June, I had the privilege of singing in worship at Emily and Brian's wedding, as well as singing a solo during their unity candle ceremony:

I miss Emily and Brian a lot! Soon after their honeymoon, these two moved down south for a job Brian accepted while Emily finishes college. It was so much fun to get to witness these two as they grew in friendship, then see their dating relationship begin, progress, and eventually lead to marriage. Emily and I had many talks about marriage, and I really respect these two for being honest about the struggle involved in building a relationship God's way. Though on their day I was a bit distracted with making sure I did my part right, I loved seeing these two demonstrating love in Christ.

In July, I took a break while Jordan ushered in a Fourth of July weekend wedding.

In August, I embarked on a new venture and coordinated decorations for Bekah and Nate's wedding:

This was my first time experiencing an outdoor wedding. It was amazing to see how God worked everything out for their day. The wedding took place in Bekah's parents' backyard, which was flooded before and after the wedding, but dry for the weekend of the wedding. To me, it felt a little like taking a trip back to the Pride and Prejudice era. There was definitely an ethereal quality to the day; yet, it was also a relaxing time with a picnic reception. One of my favorite aspects of this wedding was the vows these two wrote themselves that reflected their priorities, their perspective on marriage, and their deep joy in each other. Bekah has a wonderful eye for decorating and all things vintage, and helping her vision become real was really enjoyable because of her good taste!

Labor Day weekend, I was again a matron of honor in Ruth and Matt's wedding:

Ruth and Matt's wedding was a perfect balance of solemnity and fun. Their ceremony focused on God and the families that raised them to become the people they are today. When each of their parents came on stage to encircle them in quiet prayer for their new life together, that's when the tears came to my eyes. What an awesome foundation these two have! I really enjoyed their reception and the photo booth that the best man built for the couple so guests could get their pictures taken, too. Another fun aspect of the reception was the way that the host dismissed tables to the buffet lines--someone would draw a table number out of a basket, and when your table number was called, your whole table had to excitedly yell out your number back, or your table would be skipped. :)

I think I may be done with my involvement in weddings for awhile, but after all that shower-throwing and the weddings themselves, I am starting to wonder if my new hobby should be wedding planning.... Any thoughts?

Here are just a few more pictures I can't resist including:

Singing at Emily and Brian's wedding

How cute was Bekah's idea of buttons around the flowers as centerpieces?