Life As We Now Know It--Part Two

I am constantly reminded to be grateful.

I know that I don't deserve any of the gifts that I have been given.

It is such a temptation to hold on to those gifts tightly, fingers grasping at things I want to control. But God teaches us joy through letting go and trusting Him to hold us. Oh, how grateful I am for the everlasting arms that forever encircle me, carrying me through all my questions and all my failures, leading me to the greater good He has for me. I know the One who holds my heart and all that it contains--all those who fill it. "From His throne He observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do," Psalm 33:14-15.

Is that not one of the most amazing things that you have ever heard?! God formed my heart; therefore, He knows its longings--the good and the bad. Here is what has been on my heart this week:

Dear Angel,

This week would have been your six-month birthday. You might have been rolling over by now--such a big boy! I am sure that you would have been the center of attention at all gatherings. Your personality would be asserting itself in little ways, and we would be falling over ourselves just to get you to grin at us!

Now your brother is three-and-a-half months old. He loves life so much, as it takes very little to make him laugh or smile. He does this cute little quarter-roll, where he ends up awkwardly almost on his side. :) He sleeps through the night so well, and last night he even (accidentally) slept from 8:30 p.m. to 7:30 a.m. Kieran does tend to get cranky at nap time when other people are around because he does not want to miss a second of what's going on! Still, he is a very easygoing baby, and we do not in any way take that for granted. It seems as though he is cutting his first tooth, although we have no idea how long this will take. We love chewing on cold washcloths, though!

Angel baby, do you know that I think of you often? As I hold the precious baby I do have in my arms, I wonder how I will tell him about you. I wonder how I will tell him about Jesus, so that he can accept what He has done for him, and, among other things, he can meet you someday. I hope and pray that God will continue to use your little life to teach me and help me grow in grace. You are my inspiration. You never let me forget just how precious life is and the startling truth that I have no time to waste.

Asher Matthias, I hope you know just how much Mommy and Daddy love you! I pray that as time goes on, we can demonstrate that love to you by the kind of family that we grow and nurture. I have such a tiny grasp on what heaven will be like, but I do hope that we will one day have a reunion that will make me feel the completeness of our family. Maybe someday you can give me the grand tour...that does indeed bring a smile to this girl's face.

Praising God for you always,
Your loving mama

I always knew that a husband and wife are a family, but even within that coupling, there is so much room for autonomy. In this way, a baby truly does change everything. Kieran is not the center of our lives, but...I hardly know how to describe it. Not only is he a part of us, but he brings us together in a way nothing else could. He is our little motivator. :) I know that I have said this before, but I absolutely love God's plan for families. It will be difficult and stretching, but there is no better picture of the Gospel than the grace you see in marriages and families rooted and grounded in the love of Christ.

Life As We Now Know It--Part One

I once heard someone say, "With babies, the days go by slowly, but the weeks fly by." How true this is. My baby is 15 weeks old today. What is this life that I am living? How different it is than it was one year ago.

I have been back to work for five weeks now.

The. Hardest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Done.

Going through labor and recovering from surgery were not this hard. Learning to nurse a newborn and teaching him to eat well were not this hard. Running on little to no sleep--not this hard.

When I was 18, I remember thinking how great it would be, five years in the future, when I had everything figured out and my life was on the right track. Now, here I am, 10 years later, and I am still wondering. Oh, I know now more than ever that God has a plan and a purpose for me. The decisions just become more complicated as you weave more people into your life. First, I had my one-and-only to consider. Now, I have  this little gift that relies on me for so much.

Let's just be honest. I do not want to be in the workplace. I want to spend everyday with this little man who changes everyday. But I recognize that this is not what God wants for me--not just yet. Yes, He says that He will grant us the desires of our hearts. But not in our timing. This is not one of those desires that I believe He will change, making my heart desire what His heart does. I believe His heart does want me to at least be at home more than I am right now. But it is one that I believe He is telling me to wait on Him for.

What do I do while I'm waiting? I beg God, I plead with Him, to help me to desire Him more. I examine my love for my newly-changed family, and I ask Him to show me how I can love Him so deeply, so intensely, that my love for them looks like hatred in comparison. I give thanks, each and every day...continually. I recognize that He has given me more than I could ever deserve in His own perfect way. I trust that He is a Father who gives good gifts and does not withhold good from me. I remember that He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like his Son..." (Romans 8:28-29).

I look at this face, and I remember that the God who chose this perfectly imperfect little boy for us knew exactly what we would need to take care of him.

And He will provide.

Just look at this face!