Somewhere in the Middle

Last week, I had one day where I pretty much fell apart.

Even when I was struggling with a newborn and a young toddler, I never felt like I had a day like this. I was dealing with one really grumpy baby (Honestly, I can't even remember the reason anymore--teething, maybe?), one increasingly grumpy toddler who wanted more attention than what the baby was taking away from him, and no afternoon naps.

When my husband came home, he was frustrated with me about some miscommunication that we had had, and, for some reason, that was the last straw for this overwrought mama. I felt like an all-out failure, but at the same time, I was offended that this should all seem like my fault. I just couldn't let things go, and after a couple of hours my frustration and anger went from simmering to boiling over. And I--a woman who usually thinks of herself as easy-going and laid-back--yelled at my family.

Oh, it kills me just to put that in writing.

I really felt like I needed to get out of the house, but when my husband (bless his soul) suggested that I stay and talk it out, I burst out with something to the effect of, "Why?!" Then, pointing to each family member in turn, I exclaimed, "You don't like me! You don't like me!! And you don't like me!!!" Believe me, I regretted it as soon as my little rant was over. I eventually apologized to the people I love most in the world and was able to put it aside for awhile, but at the end of the evening, I was just racked with guilt.

"I hate myself," I told my husband. We talked about how the day went. We talked about how, in the span of a few short hours, I felt like I had become the parent that I never wanted to be. But it wasn't until I opened up my Bible that I really understood why I could not let this go. I knew I needed to read Psalm 51, so that's where I and all of my emotional turbulence turned.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight....

The reason I couldn't get past what had happened was not because I had become "that mom."

It was because I had become God.

In that moment, I had decided that what I wanted and felt I needed were more important than anything or anyone else. I chose not to live out Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law." 

Instead of choosing love of my family, I chose love of myself.

Instead of choosing joy in my circumstances, I chose despair.

Instead of choosing peace, I chose strife.

Instead of choosing patience, I chose short-temperedness.

Instead of choosing kindness and goodness, I chose anger.

Instead of choosing gentleness, I chose harsh words.

Instead of choosing faithfulness and self-control, I chose to give into my desires.

There I laid, on my bed, condemned as a wife and a mother--a failure as a child of God. But God reminded me--and reminds me still--that I am, in fact, not condemned but forgiven and loved. I am not--you are not--a lost cause. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

A friend recently shared an article that really helped me to put all of my thoughts into words:

The next time you’re tempted to say “I hate myself” because of the lingering sin in your life, take a deep breath, regroup, read Psalm 139, and get back in the game. “The righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity” (Proverbs 24:16). The righteous fall. Falling is not the defining issue. The wicked listen to the accuser (Revelation 12:10) and don’t get back up. The righteous get back up.

Oftentimes, it's how we deal with our failures and shortcomings that defines us. It is just heart-wrenching to know that what you have said and done cannot be unsaid or undone. And I, for one, can begin to hate myself as I see myself branded by one moment in time. As Paul so eloquently said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate" (Romans 7:15).

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Through it all, the amazing truth is that God's love never fails and never gives up on us. Rather than being branded by our ugliest moments, we are branded as God's own. Instead of finding ourselves weighed down by our failures, we find grace springing up from an unending Source. We find that His mercies are indeed new every morning.

Okay, so I am very loosely tying in this photograph with the idea of "grace springing up." ;)

A Few of My Favorite Things

Normally, when I go shopping--especially when I go grocery shopping--I'm all about looking for the best price. How much does each item cost per ounce? Of course, I know better than to just buy the cheapest white bread or spaghetti sauce I can find (plus, I find myself making my own more often than not!). But there are times when you really do have to pull out a few extra pennies to get the higher quality items. Here are a few of my more recent favorites:

Raw and Unfiltered Honey

You can find this at Walmart or even on Amazon. Now, I am not a huge health nut, but I also don't like that honey is marketed as "good for you", but then we are sold a version of it that has many of the benefits removed. Moreover, I truly think that the taste is far better. It is nowhere near as cheap as the generic brands; however, at least this way you are actually getting what you payed for.

Cottage Cheese with Sea Salt

This stuff is AMAZING. I only let myself buy it every other trip to the grocery store because I am afraid that I will become addicted to it. If you don't have AE in your area, I am most sympathetic to your plight. Now, just so you don't think I'm biased, I used to buy the generic kinds and found that I liked our local grocery store's version. I also tried the Simply Kraft cottage cheese, and I thought it was just terrible. I may have been justified, since over a million containers were recently recalled. Not only does my pick taste better, but it has fewer ingredients. Oh, and the best part? "Each 1/2 c. serving is packed with 12 grams of protein, low in fat, calories and carbohydrates and gluten-free."

Mom's Best Natural Cereals

I know people who say that cereal is bad and overprocessed and over-sugared and have completely cut it out of their diets. And, while there are some that are more like milk-drenched candy (sorry, Reese's Puffs), I have completely fallen in love with this brand ever since I found their oatmeal flavors back when I would work early mornings (They have an oatmeal raisin cookie, people!). I only wish that my grocery store sold even more of their varieties--the blueberry pomegranate is my absolute favorite, and it has been sold out the last three times I have gone. Le sigh. They really are an amazing company. "Free of artificial flavors or preservatives. No hydrogenated oils. No high fructose corn syrup." Plus, they are very environmentally conscious and super affordable (Who can afford name-brand Cheerios these days?).

Pure Cane Sugar (minimally processed)

It seems like right now so many people I know are cutting out sugar from their diets and replacing it with sweeteners such as pure maple syrup, honey, and agave nectar. I was really excited when I stumbled upon Zulka Morena pure cane sugar--and super excited to find that it is only fractionally more expensive than most refined sugars. For me, this is a happy medium, as this is not an issue in our household, but, as with the honey, I would like the product to be closer to how it was meant to be.

All of this talk probably makes us sound like a super "crunchy" family--far from it! I am, however, trying to be smarter in my choices and find us products that help our family to eat delicious foods and provide the fuel our bodies need. 

Do you have any favorite finds you've stumbled upon recently?

Recipe Ready: All-American Berry Pie

How lucky are you that you get another food post?

This weekend we celebrated Independence Day with family, a parade, and lots of food. I had found this no-bake sour cream berry pie on the Country Cleaver blog, and, after trying it once, I thought that all it needed were some tasty blueberries to make this the perfect red-white-and-blue addition to our Fourth!

This recipe is completely not my own (except the blueberries and the crust), but it is completely delicious; therefore, I would be a terrible, terrible person if I did not share this with you.

Ingredients

For the graham cracker crust:

1 sleeve of Graham Crackers (equal to about 1 1/2 cups, crushed)

6 tbsp Butter, melted

1/4 -1/3 cup Sugar (depending on taste)

1/2 tsp Cinnamon

For the filling:

3 cups Strawberries, hulled and quartered

1 cup Raspberries, rinsed and dried

1 cup Blueberries, rinsed and dried

1 cup Sour Cream

1 8oz. package Cream Cheese, softened

1/2 tsp Vanilla

1/4 cup Sugar

1 tsp Orange Zest

1/4 cup Orange Marmalade, warmed

Directions

Combine graham crackers, sugar, cinnamon, and melted butter in a food processor and pulse until well combined. Alternatively, using a rolling pin, crush crackers in a Ziploc bag. In a small bowl, combine cracker crumbs, sugar, and cinnamon. Add melted butter and mix until well combined. Press the graham cracker mixture into a pie pan, making sure the bottom and sides are evenly covered. Chill in the refrigerator for at least one hour.

With a mixer, whisk together sour cream and cream cheese until smooth. Add in sugar, vanilla and orange zest. Pour into the pie crust. Top the mixture with the berries. Place pie in the fridge until ready to eat, at least two hours, or, better yet, overnight.

When ready to serve, warm marmalade in a small dish in the microwave and brush or drizzle over the top of the berries for a tart kick. Slice and serve.

What a wonderfully patriotic dish (And if you still need a little chocolate in your weekend, why not round it out with these gooey Skillet S'mores?). I hope you all had a wonderful weekend celebrating our hard-fought freedoms in this amazing, albeit a little crazy, country that we live in!

The youngest and oldest members of our family gathering this weekend. Heart-melter. :)
So thankful for our own veteran!

P.S. Notice the uncle-and-nephew photobomb combination in the back there? ;)