Yet I Will Praise You

Today, our little baby, whom I carried but never held, would have been five. We knew about him for such a short time before we lost him, that his past birthdays have come and gone with some sadness but much joy at the knowledge that when we see Jesus face to face, we will also see our first child for the first time.

But today seems like such a significant day: a day when you look into the face of your child and see the resemblance of who they once were but recognize them as someone new – someone changed and grown. Our lives are made up of many of these moments of seeing and recognizing but knowing we aren't now who we were then.

So, today I wish that I could hold our little Asher Matthias. That I could see him blow out his birthday candles just once. That I could tell him now that I am so happy that he is a part of our family and that he is indeed a gift to us, just as his names mean. His little life was and is so much bigger to me than a span of weeks. It is a memorial stone in my walk with God. Whenever I feel weary or full of doubt, I can look back at that time and at God's care for me and I know with full certainty that He is for me and is always shepherding me.

So many I know have and are currently going through intense periods of hurt and suffering in ways that I cannot imagine. But God always demonstrates His great love for us by reconciling us to Himself and guiding us toward a greater intimacy with Him, if we let Him use our suffering to shape us and grow us. If we recognize that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come with the morning. If we choose to let the ones we have lost have a legacy of bringing glory to God through their impact in us and through us. 

I was and am surprised to feel this strongly today. But I welcome God's reminder of His unending faithfulness to us. He is always, always enough.

Source

Know Your Anger

"Injustice, brokenness, and cruelty abound in our fractured world – to the point where it is easy to see how anger can become a lifestyle, outrage a default reaction. But this is where our anger putrefies and begins to poison us. When anger is tightly grasped and infected with a sense of righteousness, it turns into a monster. Once we feel justified in our anger and vengefulness, we coddle it and lovingly nurture it to maturity and beyond, at which point it's grown into the kind of monstrosity capable of unthinkable things. 

… Anger can be holy and anger is human. It's a facet of our experience, our emotional make-up, that can't be denied or domesticated to make it more palatable. When we grasp it, feed it, exalt it and praise its excessive demonstration in our leaders, we disfigure ourselves and pave the way to atrocity. But if we can know our anger and honestly express it, we can be supernaturally infused with hope that reconciliation is possible and things will, in time, be right" (Making Peace With Anger, Ashley Lande).

Things will never "be right" in this life, and I know so little of the true suffering of many. But rather than simply adding to the discord of voices, today I am praying that we can begin to break the vicious cycle of anger, distrust, violence, and outright murder. That we can acknowledge the hurt, the anger, the "injustice, brokenness, and cruelty", and pave the way to honest dialogue and reconciliation, deciding not to join in the tide of so many who choose to ride the newest wave of racism and fearful blame-shifting. There is no "cure" for hatred and fearmongering; however, there is always hope.

Hope in Jesus Christ and the knowledge that He will, one day, make all things new. 

Hope that forgiveness is possible even in the most devastatingly cruel situations.

Hope that we don't have to repeat the mistakes of those who have gone before us.

Hope that God is indeed greater than the deep depravity of our hearts.

Hope that love wins and will surely cover a multitude of sins.

I am nowhere close to having all of the answers. Sometimes, I read the news articles, and I just weep over all of the senseless pain and heartache. But I have a mighty God who is the Light in the darkness and who daily commends me to not grow weary of doing good. So, even in these times, I choose joy and hope. Because it's easy to hope when life runs smoothly. It's easy to hope when we have those we love around us, rather than buried in a grave. It's easy to hope when we can quickly find an answer. But when life is hard and pain runs deep – when we cannot even find words to express our sorrow and outrage over the treatment of precious souls – we realize that true hope cannot be manufactured inside our broken selves.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13, NLT).

Source

She's Here!

It's taken me a little while to write this because, well, I have simply had better things to do! :)

Let me start at the beginning. Friday, March 4th, we arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m. ready for our scheduled c-section. We weren't quite sure when we would get started because we were the second ones scheduled, but I think we finally went back around 9:00 a.m. As the time got closer and closer, I started to get so nervous, I actually thought I might throw up (although, I swear that could be all of the anti-nausea medications they gave me – blech!). But prayer and a lot of choosing not to dwell on my fears got me through the waiting, which was probably the worst part. 

When I finally got back to the operating room, they had the hardest time getting the anesthesia in (the procedure is the same as when getting an epidural). I lost count of how many times I was poked in the back – I guess being vertically challenged means that there is less room to work with between each vertebra. It was kind of nerve wracking, as it was hard not to wonder if the anesthesia would actually work. 

But eventually, everything was sorted out, Jordan was able to join me again, and it was time to start. Of course, I hardly remember Kieran's anymore because I was so tired, and I'm sure I don't remember all of the details of Elias', even though I wrote them both down. Still, this time around, the whole process seemed a lot more … aggressive. There was a lot of pushing and pulling and it seemed to take forever. Just like with Elias, they had to use the vacuum, this time because the baby's head was cockeyed. 

Nevertheless, at 9:51 a.m. we finally heard that first cry. When they announced, "It's a girl!" to us, Jordan and I were both in total shock. Every pregnancy we have entertained thoughts of a daughter, but with each boy the prospect seemed less and less likely – especially since boys run in the family. And this was all of her little face that I got to stare at while they finished taking care of me.

I felt so desperate for a good look at her face! Eventually, they took her to do her assessment, and about an hour after she was born, we were back in our room, and she was nursing like a little champ.

Our sweet baby girl, Adeline Hope, weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces (another big surprise, since the boys were 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 8 pounds, 7 ounces) and was 19 inches long. She also had the tiniest little head (again, especially compared to our boys). We were delighted to see her head of dark hair after two bald babes and, for now, we think she looks a lot like Kieran did as a baby, but of course, still definitely her own person.

Kieran James (3 years, 11 months), Elias Finn (2 years, 4 months), and Adeline Hope

We are in love with our family of five, and we praise God for these souls He has entrusted us with for just a little while.

Nesting: Part Two

I wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but a week ago, the husband and the boys got the closet started for me, and now it's all done! I love that it took us nine years to finally get a shoe rack. :)

It may not look fancy, but since I don't have any before pictures (since the boys started unexpectedly), you can't see just how bad it really was! Also, in the past couple of weeks, I have been able to clean out the fridge and the under-the-sink areas for our kitchen and bathrooms.

Oohhh, under the sinks was so bad! I don't know how I let it become so messy and just yuck. This picture doesn't do it justice. And in our bathroom, some cough syrup had leaked, so that was fun! I am excited, though, because my only real project left is to wash all the car seat covers (including the baby's) and clean out the van. Other than that, this week I can just concentrate on staying on top of things, hanging out with my boys, and anticipating this little one's arrival. :) Oh! And a nice, relaxing haircut. :D

Nesting

We have 18 days until this baby arrives.

Eighteen. Days.

This morning, when I took the boys to the library, the librarian asked me, "So have you gotten everything ready for this one to come home?"

"Uhhhh … well, there's really not much to do when it's your third."

True and untrue.

Elias is still in "the nursery," and we haven't really figured out when we want to kick him out into Kieran's room. Of course, the baby will sleep in our room at first, so all that really requires is setting up the pack 'n play. :D

But do I still have a to-do list? You betcha! Somehow, what seemed like an eternity is all of the sudden just around the corner, and there are some serious nesting things I want to get checked off of my list. Unfortunately, we have had a few rounds of sicknesses go through our family, and that just really lets all of the air our of one's plans, doesn't it?

So today I decided to stop waiting for my grown-up helper to be well and healthy and available and coerce my little minions persuade my dear children to be my helpers, instead. For the 2.5 years that we have lived here, I have had my "pantry" in the closet of the nursery and kept our trash and can/bottle recycling bins in our coat closet. Since I have also been a stay-at-home mom now for over two years, as well, my baking and other kitchen projects have increased; therefore, I knew that wasn't going to work to have a little one slumbering in there just when I realize I need more brown sugar.

I wish I would have gotten some pictures of the boys hard at work today! Okay, so it was mostly Kieran who helped, but still, he was super into it! We emptied out the coat closet, swept, and scrubbed down the walls and the floor. I put away the jackets that we haven't been using this season, then we emptied my shelving unit so it could be moved. Once I had it in the closet (in the only position it would fit), Kieran carried each food item one-by-one so I could restock the shelves. :)

We got a new stainless steel trash can that sits in the kitchen (hopefully harder to accidentally knock over than the plastic ones?), and since I stopped buying pop/soda, we threw out both of our old cans (less scrubbing for me – yay!) We also threw out quite a few other things, so now the nursery closet is reorganized, and I need to decide how I want to use the space in there. And my so-called pantry is reorganized and more accessible to me, too. Maybe someday I'll have a real pantry, but in the meantime, I'm thankful for what we have (and for all the stuff I can sneakily store in our upright deep freezer).

Next on my list? The pit of despair that is our master closet. Time to get motivated!