Our Christmas in Pictures

Our Christmas card/announcement

Playing dress-up with the cousins :)

Enjoying the opening of presents as much as the receiving

Loving his new tractor!

Last year's new ornament

Now he has his own cell phone

"Hello?" 

This year's ornament :)

Toy--or toddler--organizer

Cousins!

What If...

Source

Do you ever have those random, depressing "what if..." thoughts? Today, as I was driving home, I was thinking about how my family in Florida has been pressuring me to set a date to visit over my sister's winter break. I am completely dreading how much work it is going to be to travel with both our kids and then have all of us stay in one room for several days. I found myself wishing that, just once, my family would come visit me. How much easier that would be!

I love my dad, but he has only come to visit me when we first moved to Iowa when I was seven, once a couple of years later, for my high school graduation, and then for my wedding six years ago. So, I found myself thinking, "It would probably take something tragic for him to actually commit to coming." Boom. Like a flash of lightning, I had this "what if..." moment, where I imagined one of my children--or even a future child--deathly ill. I saw a hospital. I saw a church. I saw a slideshow at a funeral.

Then it was over.

These are not thoughts I usually dwell on, but when I have those moments that are over in the blink of an eye, they really make me think. When I'm driving and I see my car rear-ending the semi in front of me, I slow down. This evening, I thought back to earlier in the day when I was disciplining my toddler for the tenth time for climbing up on something he wasn't supposed to be climbing on. At the time, I found myself saying aloud, "How can I be so frustrated with my child?"

I love my oldest--I love him so much it almost hurts when I think about it too much. He brings so much joy to my life and to Jordan's. He teaches me new things all of the time and helps me to slow down and appreciate life. He is learning and growing daily, and I couldn't be prouder of him. He has days of pure sweetness where I want to shout to the world, "Look at my perfect baby!" But there are times, so help me, there are even days, it seems, where I am so exasperated with his behavior that I forget all of these good things.

So, when I had this brief "what if..." moment, I remembered that frustration, and I realized:

there are days I forget to be thankful for my greatest blessings.

There are days that I wake up to the sound of my toddler jabbering in his crib, and I don't give thanks that his lungs are healthy enough that I can hear him three rooms away through his closed door.

There are days that I change my baby's diaper for the fifteenth time, and I don't give thanks for how much he eats and the miracle that is his precious little body absorbing nourishment from mine.

There are days that I mumble a welcome home to my husband as I breathe a sigh of relief that it is no longer two against one, and I forget to give thanks for a man who goes to work everyday without complaint, then trudges home to help with diapers and baths and dishes and stories and bedtimes.

There are days that I receive messages from friends who love me and think of me and pray for me, and I don't give thanks for all of the people in my life who seem to know just when I need encouragement.

There are days--there are far, far too many days--that I wake up and go through my day, on my own, then collapse into bed, and I forget to give thanks for my salvation. Somehow, I fail to be daily blown away by the amazing grace and mercy shown to me by my Father. Somehow, I fail to fall to my knees in gratefulness for the love that has been shown to me through the sacrifice of my Savior. 

Somehow, I fail to recognize that I don't deserve any of these blessings.

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My DIY Photoshoot

My baby is two weeks old today!

We had his newborn photos taken Sunday of last week, when he was six days old. I think that they will turn out really well, but I was a little disappointed that the little hat and diaper cover I had found on clearance on Etsy had not arrived yet.

Necessity being the mother of all invention, I decided to do my own photoshoot with my point-and-shoot.

After looking at a couple of other bloggers' approaches (I really didn't search too much--I didn't want to be overwhelmed by all the things I couldn't do), I decided to do mine in the afternoon. After feeding and changing Elias, I set up my couch as our "studio". Keeping it simple, I placed a boppy in the middle and covered the entire couch with a queen-sized white woven blanket I have. The boppy worked really nicely for keeping him in place, and I think the white blanket was a good choice, since it didn't distract from the cute crocheted-ness. :)

An hour or two before we took these, I cranked the thermostat up. So, even though he was mostly naked, he was a pretty happy fellow almost the whole time. I was really gentle and moved slowly when I repositioned him, and it was so fun to get a few shots where he actually looked at the camera after I talked to him.

I understand all of the obstacles there are when photographing a newborn, but I would never be able to get this many photos of my toddler--they would all be blurry, since he is always on the move!

I am seriously in love with this sweet face!

One Week

Yesterday, my baby was one week old already!

I got to capture a lot of cuteness during one of his awake times, and I just loved all of the faces he made at me! We took Elias to the doctor's office in the morning for his hospital follow-up.

Although he was born at 8 pounds, 7 ounces, like all babies do, he lost some weight while in the hospital. I believe that Kieran lost a whole pound since he did not eat the first day. Elias lost 10 ounces, but gained one back before we left. So, one week later, he was already back up to 8 pounds 2 ounces. Why? Because this baby can eat! That means that he has been gaining about an ounce a day; by the end of the week, he just might be back up to his birth weight. :)

They also measured him at 20 1/4 inches, which I find hard to believe. That would mean that Elias grew 3/4 inch in one week...so, I'm guessing either his initial or his check-up measurements were off. But I could be wrong!

Our little boy is bringing us so much joy! My favorite time of day is after big brother goes to bed and Elias has some alert time. I love sitting next to Daddy while he lets Elias rest on his legs and plays with his hands, and we both watch his expressions. It reminds me so much of our times with Kieran. He is such a sweet little fellow!

Big brother is acclimating to our new home life, but it has had its difficult moments. He has gotten in trouble a little bit more, and I think that it's going to take longer than I expected for him to learn "nice touches". They all start out nice...but they get more "boisterous" rather quickly. There is probably a little bit of jealousy going on, so I am trying to spend a fair amount of one-on-one time with him. It will be interesting to see what our "new normal" looks like once we settle into it.

All in all, I am so thankful for my two little blessings!

And Then There Were Four

He is here!

Elias Finn arrived Monday the 4th at 10:59 in the morning. He was 8 pounds, 6.9 ounces, and 19 1/2 inches long.

It is rather surreal to set your alarm to make sure that you get up in time to have your baby. :P

Monday, I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and started getting ready. I couldn't eat breakfast or even drink water, but I wanted a nice, long luxurious shower before I was confined to a hospital bed. Kieran woke up at 7:00 and was rather clingy when Grandma and Grandpa showed up to take him to McDonald's for breakfast. I think he knew something was up. :)

We were on our way by 7:30, giving us an extra 15 minutes to get there--which we used up in a traffic jam! I asked Jordan what happens when you don't show up to have your baby...but I never remembered to ask at the hospital. Once we arrived, we got all checked in and they slowly began the process of prepping me for the surgery scheduled to begin two hours later. Everything went really smoothly, besides that continual feeling of "is this really about to happen?" When the doctor came in to meet me just before the surgery, I have to admit that I started to get nervous. It's something akin to that feeling you get after waiting in a really long line for a rather intimidating roller coaster, and you have just reached the front of the line.

After we walked down to the operating room, they made Jordan wait outside for about 15 minutes while they prepped me and gave me the anesthesia. Later on, Jordan told me that he was praying for me, and I am so glad that he did. Because, while logically I knew that this was something that I had already experienced and that I was one of several c-sections scheduled for the day, I was scared. It was becoming very real, very fast. And my experience going into the last one was much different, so I was very distracted and hadn't had much time to think on what was going on. This time, I probably had too much time. I did cry a little bit, and a couple of the staff asked me if I was alright. I said I was...but it was a little overwhelming.

However, having said all of that, once I was actually prepped and Jordan was able to join me, I felt very focused. Our anesthesiologist was a real jokester and kept trying to get us to laugh, but I just closed my eyes most of the time and waited for my baby to come. Let me tell you, it is really weird not to know what is going on on the other side of that drape, but I'm sure I wouldn't really want to know. All I could feel was the pressure as they tried to push the baby out by pushing on the top of my womb. They did have to use the vacuum once to help get him out, as apparently he was big and I am small. But 25 minutes or so after they started, he was here!

They had asked Jordan ahead of time if he wanted to peek over the drape and announce the gender. But that is what he had done with Kieran, and this time he wanted us to be able to find out at the same time. So the doctor announced that we had a baby boy, and we were thrilled!

They also asked Jordan if he wanted to cut the cord (which he did not get to do with Kieran), and he agreed to it, although he wasn't very excited about it. The cord had already been cut and then clamped, and they brought him over to a warming tray, so I guess he just got to cut it short, and he said it was a pretty underwhelming experience. :) Either way, it was such a blessing for me to be able to see Elias get wiped down and weighed and measured, since I only got to see Kieran briefly before he was whisked away for his assessment.

This time, he got to go back to the room with us, then Jordan went with him for his assessment, and it was a much shorter time period before I finally got to hold my baby in my arms.

Elias has been the perfect second baby! Our very first nursing session, I did not even have to teach him what to do--he was totally instinctual. He has been a very good feeder; I thought that Kieran was good, but I now realize that I was not the only one who had a learning curve. I also had to teach him how to properly latch. But this one is a natural! 

It was so fun to introduce Kieran to his baby brother. You could tell that he was rather confused when Grandma and Grandpa brought him to the hospital. "What's going on?" "Why are Mommy and Daddy here?" He was interested in Elias and petted his head, but when we tried to get him to let Elias rest in his lap, he said, "Nooo..." and tried to push him away--not before we got this photo, however. :)

I love my boys! They are so adorable, and Kieran is starting to "claim" Elias, as Jordan would put it. We are still trying to teach him gentleness, and he has definitely been more boisterous and clingy, but I believe he is starting to acclimate to the changes at home.

Daddy is proud of his new boy.

And I am proud of all my boys.

It's so crazy seeing Elias dressed in Kieran's clothes that he was wearing only last year.

Kieran on the left, Elias on the right

But I can definitely tell that Elias is his own person, and I am so excited to watch that little personality develop!

To summarize...........God is good. :)

I Get to Be the One

Well, tomorrow is the big day!

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I will get to hold this little one in my arms before lunch. In case anyone is wondering, yes, I am a little nervous for tomorrow--who wouldn't be? But my excitement and anticipation far outweigh any anxiety. And while I held out hope all week and over the weekend that I would indeed go into labor, that's another anxiety in itself, and now I guess I get to avoid it. ;)

All in all, my heart is filled to the brim with peace and joy, and, Lord willing, it will overflow tomorrow when we meet our sweet baby!

How does someone so small hold my heart so tightly?

I don't even know you; I love you completely.

We're not the best at selfies, but this is us on our last night being just a family of three!

Heading Toward the Finish Line

Monday, November 4th. Mark it on your calendars.

Well, okay, you don't have to. But I sure have!

I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday, and this is what we decided:  if Baby doesn't come before the fourth of November, I will have a c-section, and we will get to meet our precious little one! If I do go into labor before then, then we will head down to the hospital and evaluate how things are looking and where to proceed from there. Since the main problem last time was that Kieran never dropped down into my pelvis, I am praying that if I do go into labor, this one will have very obviously dropped and engaged. 

While I can't speak for Jordan for sure, I feel such peace about this decision. God is bigger than any struggles I might have during labor. But he also has surrounded me with wise counselors that have much experience in what I am about to go through. He knows exactly what He plans to accomplish, and I feel like such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders as I no longer sway back and forth without direction. He can very obviously work toward one end or guide me toward another, but this life is not my own, and it's a relief to let Him control it.

And the best part of it all? We are so close to that finish line--eleven days or less!

Grace Upon Grace

This song has been running through my head today...I was going to highlight a certain part of the song that really stuck out to me, but, honestly, every single word has spoken to my soul today.

You have ordained every breath we take 

In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake 

Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand 

And sufferings brief carry out Your plan 

And our fleeting sorrows

Will yield an endless prize

When some bright tomorrow 

We’ll see You with our eyes, and

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Through the precious blood of Christ

Father of lights, Giver of all grace

Your mercies crown our lives all our days 

River of Life, quench our thirsty souls

For no true delight does Your love withhold 

And in every season

We are satisfied

For just one reason

Christ was crucified, and

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

Through the precious blood 

Through the precious blood

Today, I had the perfect moment of delight when I got to see this:

Scrunched up little forehead, adorable button nose, perfectly chubby cheeks...oh, and that mouth--I'm in love! This is the one I have been dreaming of.

But delight can be bittersweet when gladness is tempered with grief. No, there is no cause for alarm. Baby is growing and active and my womb seems to be the perfect baby motel when it comes to the last trimester. I just don't know how that all works out, what with my being 'a foot shy of 5' 11"', as my doctor said today. :) My ultrasound today was a growth check to see what position the baby is in and its estimated size to help us make a more informed decision. At 37 weeks and one day, Baby measured at 37 weeks and six days, and was estimated to be seven pounds and eight ounces. Whew! Now everyone can see why I am so tired.

The estimation supposedly has a one-pound margin of error, but when Kieran had a growth check at 38 weeks, he was estimated to be seven pounds and 11 ounces--and he came out at eight pounds and two ounces. So...it all seems pretty plausible. Needless to say, the doctor I saw today did not have the encouragement that I wanted to hear. I had never met him before, but everyone at the clinic seems to rave about him. 

He gave me the "if you were my daughter" speech, which outlined what he thought were my chances. If, say, he thought I had an 85 percent chance of a successful labor and delivery, he would consider my one percent chance of uterine rupture to be worth the risk. But since my c-section last time was not due to some sort of emergency but because of a slow progression of labor and Kieran not dropping down like he should, he thought that dropped me down to a 50/50 chance. Add to that the "strike" against me of my stature and the apparent chubbiness of my babies (in Kieran's defense, he was also 21 inches long, which is the longer end of the spectrum that I usually see), and he saw me dropping down to a 25 percent chance of a successful delivery. Comparing that 25 percent chance against that same one percent chance of rupture, he does not see how it would be really worth the risk.

All that aside, he also said he wouldn't be mad at his daughter if she tried anyway. ;)

I have to admit that this was so not the news that I was wanting to hear. It has to be pretty similar to training for a marathon for nine months...and then being told at the last minute that you have been disqualified. How disheartening. I definitely cried once I got into my car--not out of any ungratefulness, but because I had just had one of my very real hopes crushed. I was trying to pour it all out to God as I drove to the mall to run an errand before I went home, but I was having such a hard time pinning down all of my emotions. They all seemed illogical next to the fact that I have a live, healthy baby growing inside of me.

I dropped off my wedding ring to be cleaned while I ran errands, and when I came back, I found a pretty awesome surprise. Not only had the jeweler cleaned my ring, but she re-plated it for me--for free! It is something I have been wanting to do for a long while now but hadn't found a good time to spend the money. She said my ring (which is white gold) was starting to yellow, which was why she did it. I know that it was also pretty scuffed up in general and had a couple really good scratches after six-plus years. It is so beautiful and shiny, and it looks almost like new!!

And as I walked back to my car, I again wanted to cry. God encouraged me at the moment that I needed it and showed me exactly how His grace works in my life. He takes something tarnished and beaten down by the world and covers it with His grace, making it new again. And that is exactly what He did with my perspective. As the song says, "You have ordained every breath we take/In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake/Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand/And sufferings brief carry out Your plan...All good gifts, every good thing/Comes to us freely, so freely."

God has ordained this for my life. I don't know the reason, but then, I'm not always supposed to know, am I?  Yes, there was something I greatly desired that I had asked God for on many occasions. Most likely, I will not get exactly what I asked for. But I also asked that God would protect my baby and cause him or her to grow. And I asked Him to show me how to be the mom s/he needs me to be, as I learn to be a mother of two. And He is working out these things in His own time. 

Time and time again, we will face disappointments in this life and see our lives not taking the path we thought that they would. But time and time again, God will satisfy us in every season.

Grace upon grace.

Walking to the Beat of a New Drum

Hopefully, Baby will be here three weeks from Tuesday. We are getting so close!

In case you can't read the signs, Kieran's says "18 months" and mine "8 months". :)

Once again, my friend, Diane, took some lovely maternity pictures for us.

She shot some 18-month photos for us, as well.

Last year, I posted about waiting for Kieran and how I should be waiting for heaven or for Christ's return with the same level of anticipation, if not more (subsequently, I did go into labor that evening). This week, I have been mulling over how much my perspective changes toward the end of my pregnancy. It becomes so difficult for me to...get as invested in certain things that those around me seem to be occupying themselves with. Part of that is just plain scheduling:  "Can I really say I can go to that event when I might be in the hospital?" But a lot of it has to do with perspective. These mini crises over here just don't seem that important anymore. Someone's complaints about such-and-such just don't affect me the way they used to.

I suppose you start to look at everything through the lens of, "Well, I'm almost done growing a baby here, and that is much more important." This is not to imply that other people don't matter; rather, this part of my pregnancy gives me a chance to see how many nonessential, non-important things tend to take over my days. Those other little things just seem to fall away now that I have this tunnel vision.

This parallels to my thoughts last year, in that, I think that this, too, could apply to my walk with Jesus. What if I had that kind of tunnel vision for the Kingdom? What if I stopped letting the tiny little things that don't matter but that so quickly add up to overwhelm and overtake my life take precedence and allowed my life to be set to the beat of my Master's heart?

I have been struggling a lot lately with feeling inadequately equipped to take care of two little people that God has entrusted me with. And the reason I feel that way is because I am! Time and time again, I fail to take advantage of the tools He has provided me with.

You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands. May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word. ...I will never forget your commandments, for by them you give me life. ...Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. ...How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey.

I am looking forward to spending more time in the Word and in prayer over the next few weeks as I ask God to continue to mold me into the woman I need to be for the tasks that lay before me. If you think of us, could you pray for us, as well? It is kind of scary going into this second birth knowing that we have a 60-70 percent chance of doing this all the normal way. ...Meaning that there is still a 30-40 percent chance that I will have to have another c-section. I tend to feel like all of the pressure is on me to see this thing through, but, truthfully, all the pressure is on God. :) He will accomplish what He will--it is just a matter of me trusting and relying on Him to do the very best thing! 

Don't Cross the Street

His handwriting is impeccable.

I love my boy. He is full of spunk, a love for life, and brings me so much joy. It's so crazy that he is now 18 months old!

I love my boy, but I don't always love what he does. For instance, today we were playing out at Grandma and Grandpa's farm. Several times he tried to run out onto the road, and several times I had to redirect him. I explained to him that he could play anywhere he wanted on this side of the road but he was not to go into the road. Eventually, the temptation would become too much for him, and he would canter in his toddler pitter-patter down to the road, thinking he could outrun me (which, surprisingly, he can't--even with me at eight months pregnant). Feeling like he knew that he was doing something he was specifically asked not to do, I told him that if he went near the road one more time, he would lose his outside time.

Can you guess what he did? :)

Telling this story to Jordan later this evening, I was struck once again by how similar that behavior is to how I respond to my Father. I had said, "Toddlers are like puppies:  they instinctively find boundaries and then spend all their time trying to figure out how to get over, under, or across them, convinced that there must be something better on the other side that you are tragically keeping them from."

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters" (Romans 8:28-29).

How is He trying to lead you...and protect you?

My little teacher. :)