Grace Upon Grace

This song has been running through my head today...I was going to highlight a certain part of the song that really stuck out to me, but, honestly, every single word has spoken to my soul today.

You have ordained every breath we take 

In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake 

Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand 

And sufferings brief carry out Your plan 

And our fleeting sorrows

Will yield an endless prize

When some bright tomorrow 

We’ll see You with our eyes, and

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Through the precious blood of Christ

Father of lights, Giver of all grace

Your mercies crown our lives all our days 

River of Life, quench our thirsty souls

For no true delight does Your love withhold 

And in every season

We are satisfied

For just one reason

Christ was crucified, and

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

Through the precious blood 

Through the precious blood

Today, I had the perfect moment of delight when I got to see this:

Scrunched up little forehead, adorable button nose, perfectly chubby cheeks...oh, and that mouth--I'm in love! This is the one I have been dreaming of.

But delight can be bittersweet when gladness is tempered with grief. No, there is no cause for alarm. Baby is growing and active and my womb seems to be the perfect baby motel when it comes to the last trimester. I just don't know how that all works out, what with my being 'a foot shy of 5' 11"', as my doctor said today. :) My ultrasound today was a growth check to see what position the baby is in and its estimated size to help us make a more informed decision. At 37 weeks and one day, Baby measured at 37 weeks and six days, and was estimated to be seven pounds and eight ounces. Whew! Now everyone can see why I am so tired.

The estimation supposedly has a one-pound margin of error, but when Kieran had a growth check at 38 weeks, he was estimated to be seven pounds and 11 ounces--and he came out at eight pounds and two ounces. So...it all seems pretty plausible. Needless to say, the doctor I saw today did not have the encouragement that I wanted to hear. I had never met him before, but everyone at the clinic seems to rave about him. 

He gave me the "if you were my daughter" speech, which outlined what he thought were my chances. If, say, he thought I had an 85 percent chance of a successful labor and delivery, he would consider my one percent chance of uterine rupture to be worth the risk. But since my c-section last time was not due to some sort of emergency but because of a slow progression of labor and Kieran not dropping down like he should, he thought that dropped me down to a 50/50 chance. Add to that the "strike" against me of my stature and the apparent chubbiness of my babies (in Kieran's defense, he was also 21 inches long, which is the longer end of the spectrum that I usually see), and he saw me dropping down to a 25 percent chance of a successful delivery. Comparing that 25 percent chance against that same one percent chance of rupture, he does not see how it would be really worth the risk.

All that aside, he also said he wouldn't be mad at his daughter if she tried anyway. ;)

I have to admit that this was so not the news that I was wanting to hear. It has to be pretty similar to training for a marathon for nine months...and then being told at the last minute that you have been disqualified. How disheartening. I definitely cried once I got into my car--not out of any ungratefulness, but because I had just had one of my very real hopes crushed. I was trying to pour it all out to God as I drove to the mall to run an errand before I went home, but I was having such a hard time pinning down all of my emotions. They all seemed illogical next to the fact that I have a live, healthy baby growing inside of me.

I dropped off my wedding ring to be cleaned while I ran errands, and when I came back, I found a pretty awesome surprise. Not only had the jeweler cleaned my ring, but she re-plated it for me--for free! It is something I have been wanting to do for a long while now but hadn't found a good time to spend the money. She said my ring (which is white gold) was starting to yellow, which was why she did it. I know that it was also pretty scuffed up in general and had a couple really good scratches after six-plus years. It is so beautiful and shiny, and it looks almost like new!!

And as I walked back to my car, I again wanted to cry. God encouraged me at the moment that I needed it and showed me exactly how His grace works in my life. He takes something tarnished and beaten down by the world and covers it with His grace, making it new again. And that is exactly what He did with my perspective. As the song says, "You have ordained every breath we take/In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake/Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand/And sufferings brief carry out Your plan...All good gifts, every good thing/Comes to us freely, so freely."

God has ordained this for my life. I don't know the reason, but then, I'm not always supposed to know, am I?  Yes, there was something I greatly desired that I had asked God for on many occasions. Most likely, I will not get exactly what I asked for. But I also asked that God would protect my baby and cause him or her to grow. And I asked Him to show me how to be the mom s/he needs me to be, as I learn to be a mother of two. And He is working out these things in His own time. 

Time and time again, we will face disappointments in this life and see our lives not taking the path we thought that they would. But time and time again, God will satisfy us in every season.

Grace upon grace.