Yet I Will Praise You

Today, our little baby, whom I carried but never held, would have been five. We knew about him for such a short time before we lost him, that his past birthdays have come and gone with some sadness but much joy at the knowledge that when we see Jesus face to face, we will also see our first child for the first time.

But today seems like such a significant day: a day when you look into the face of your child and see the resemblance of who they once were but recognize them as someone new – someone changed and grown. Our lives are made up of many of these moments of seeing and recognizing but knowing we aren't now who we were then.

So, today I wish that I could hold our little Asher Matthias. That I could see him blow out his birthday candles just once. That I could tell him now that I am so happy that he is a part of our family and that he is indeed a gift to us, just as his names mean. His little life was and is so much bigger to me than a span of weeks. It is a memorial stone in my walk with God. Whenever I feel weary or full of doubt, I can look back at that time and at God's care for me and I know with full certainty that He is for me and is always shepherding me.

So many I know have and are currently going through intense periods of hurt and suffering in ways that I cannot imagine. But God always demonstrates His great love for us by reconciling us to Himself and guiding us toward a greater intimacy with Him, if we let Him use our suffering to shape us and grow us. If we recognize that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come with the morning. If we choose to let the ones we have lost have a legacy of bringing glory to God through their impact in us and through us. 

I was and am surprised to feel this strongly today. But I welcome God's reminder of His unending faithfulness to us. He is always, always enough.

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She's Here!

It's taken me a little while to write this because, well, I have simply had better things to do! :)

Let me start at the beginning. Friday, March 4th, we arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m. ready for our scheduled c-section. We weren't quite sure when we would get started because we were the second ones scheduled, but I think we finally went back around 9:00 a.m. As the time got closer and closer, I started to get so nervous, I actually thought I might throw up (although, I swear that could be all of the anti-nausea medications they gave me – blech!). But prayer and a lot of choosing not to dwell on my fears got me through the waiting, which was probably the worst part. 

When I finally got back to the operating room, they had the hardest time getting the anesthesia in (the procedure is the same as when getting an epidural). I lost count of how many times I was poked in the back – I guess being vertically challenged means that there is less room to work with between each vertebra. It was kind of nerve wracking, as it was hard not to wonder if the anesthesia would actually work. 

But eventually, everything was sorted out, Jordan was able to join me again, and it was time to start. Of course, I hardly remember Kieran's anymore because I was so tired, and I'm sure I don't remember all of the details of Elias', even though I wrote them both down. Still, this time around, the whole process seemed a lot more … aggressive. There was a lot of pushing and pulling and it seemed to take forever. Just like with Elias, they had to use the vacuum, this time because the baby's head was cockeyed. 

Nevertheless, at 9:51 a.m. we finally heard that first cry. When they announced, "It's a girl!" to us, Jordan and I were both in total shock. Every pregnancy we have entertained thoughts of a daughter, but with each boy the prospect seemed less and less likely – especially since boys run in the family. And this was all of her little face that I got to stare at while they finished taking care of me.

I felt so desperate for a good look at her face! Eventually, they took her to do her assessment, and about an hour after she was born, we were back in our room, and she was nursing like a little champ.

Our sweet baby girl, Adeline Hope, weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces (another big surprise, since the boys were 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 8 pounds, 7 ounces) and was 19 inches long. She also had the tiniest little head (again, especially compared to our boys). We were delighted to see her head of dark hair after two bald babes and, for now, we think she looks a lot like Kieran did as a baby, but of course, still definitely her own person.

Kieran James (3 years, 11 months), Elias Finn (2 years, 4 months), and Adeline Hope

We are in love with our family of five, and we praise God for these souls He has entrusted us with for just a little while.

Nesting: Part Two

I wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but a week ago, the husband and the boys got the closet started for me, and now it's all done! I love that it took us nine years to finally get a shoe rack. :)

It may not look fancy, but since I don't have any before pictures (since the boys started unexpectedly), you can't see just how bad it really was! Also, in the past couple of weeks, I have been able to clean out the fridge and the under-the-sink areas for our kitchen and bathrooms.

Oohhh, under the sinks was so bad! I don't know how I let it become so messy and just yuck. This picture doesn't do it justice. And in our bathroom, some cough syrup had leaked, so that was fun! I am excited, though, because my only real project left is to wash all the car seat covers (including the baby's) and clean out the van. Other than that, this week I can just concentrate on staying on top of things, hanging out with my boys, and anticipating this little one's arrival. :) Oh! And a nice, relaxing haircut. :D

Nesting

We have 18 days until this baby arrives.

Eighteen. Days.

This morning, when I took the boys to the library, the librarian asked me, "So have you gotten everything ready for this one to come home?"

"Uhhhh … well, there's really not much to do when it's your third."

True and untrue.

Elias is still in "the nursery," and we haven't really figured out when we want to kick him out into Kieran's room. Of course, the baby will sleep in our room at first, so all that really requires is setting up the pack 'n play. :D

But do I still have a to-do list? You betcha! Somehow, what seemed like an eternity is all of the sudden just around the corner, and there are some serious nesting things I want to get checked off of my list. Unfortunately, we have had a few rounds of sicknesses go through our family, and that just really lets all of the air our of one's plans, doesn't it?

So today I decided to stop waiting for my grown-up helper to be well and healthy and available and coerce my little minions persuade my dear children to be my helpers, instead. For the 2.5 years that we have lived here, I have had my "pantry" in the closet of the nursery and kept our trash and can/bottle recycling bins in our coat closet. Since I have also been a stay-at-home mom now for over two years, as well, my baking and other kitchen projects have increased; therefore, I knew that wasn't going to work to have a little one slumbering in there just when I realize I need more brown sugar.

I wish I would have gotten some pictures of the boys hard at work today! Okay, so it was mostly Kieran who helped, but still, he was super into it! We emptied out the coat closet, swept, and scrubbed down the walls and the floor. I put away the jackets that we haven't been using this season, then we emptied my shelving unit so it could be moved. Once I had it in the closet (in the only position it would fit), Kieran carried each food item one-by-one so I could restock the shelves. :)

We got a new stainless steel trash can that sits in the kitchen (hopefully harder to accidentally knock over than the plastic ones?), and since I stopped buying pop/soda, we threw out both of our old cans (less scrubbing for me – yay!) We also threw out quite a few other things, so now the nursery closet is reorganized, and I need to decide how I want to use the space in there. And my so-called pantry is reorganized and more accessible to me, too. Maybe someday I'll have a real pantry, but in the meantime, I'm thankful for what we have (and for all the stuff I can sneakily store in our upright deep freezer).

Next on my list? The pit of despair that is our master closet. Time to get motivated!

Celebrations

Wow. I have been wanting to write this post for a long time now, but between computer issues and kids who get jealous when I use the computer (it's a real problem), it just hasn't happened. So, let's see if I can squeeze two months into one little – or not so little – blog post.

October was full of fall celebrations with a trip to an apple orchard and pumpkin patch, a hayride at Grandpa and Grandma's farm, and trick-or-treating with our very own fire chief and police chief (not pictured).

November started off grandly with a good view of this little face at his or her 23-week ultrasound.

The same week, we also celebrated the littlest one in the household turning two!

He thoroughly enjoyed his barn cake with farm animal cupcakes. And, while they were fairly time consuming to decorate, his mama certainly enjoyed making them! This little man is my sweet and sassy one! He can be cuddly and full of kisses one minute, then taking a stand and refusing to back down the next. Elias is the one I worry about when I think about this baby coming because he is most certainly a mama's boy, but we are working on that, too.

The first week of November also included Kieran's debut as a ring bearer at the wedding of a long-time friend, Lindsay.

November also brought about the 70th anniversary of Jordan's grandparents.

It was so wonderful to be a part of the celebrations and to hear the testament of the faith, love, and loyalty of these two lovely people that we so admire. It is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that we have only been married for about 12% of that time! I hope and pray that we can be even half of the example to our own children and grandchildren that they have been to us.

Since then, we have also had plenty of time with family – including a trip to Illinois to visit my brother and his family during the one snowstorm we've had this winter – a fun date night with our small group, and Christmas celebrations. We even got to celebrate with some neighborhood friends tonight as we adapted what has become our annual Elf party. :) … And while it looks like we won't have a white Christmas this year, we definitely have much to celebrate.

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When Waiting is Hard

Maybe you're waiting to hear on a job you were hoping to land. Or a call from that realtor about the house that seems like it's just the right fit.

Or a diagnosis.

Perhaps you are waiting for life in general to get better … or just hoping it won't get worse.

As for me, I found myself waiting for another child. Different desires would overtake me at different times. One moment, I would be sitting on the floor completely content to be reading a book to my two lovely boys; later, I would be vacuuming and realize I just spent the last 20 minutes thinking, "If we were to get pregnant this month, this is when our baby would be born," and daydreaming about what it would be like.

Logically, I knew that it didn't matter when or even if we had another child. Not only could I be content with what I had been given, I could learn to be content with His timing, too. But in my heart, I had ideas and plans – I had my own timing. And it seemed like no one really cared about any of it. It is a difficult thing when husband and wife are not on the same page. … And not because of arguing or strife, but simply because one can feel passionately about something while the other does not share the same conviction.

Finally, while going through a study on James, I realized that this had become an idol in my life. The problem wasn't really that I wanted to have a baby (sooner rather than later). The problem was that I wanted life to go my way. That I wasn't satisfied in waiting on God. When the realization poured over me that this was something I thought about every single day, I knew it was time to do more than just lightly bring up the topic with my husband. So I wrote to him – like I always do when something really heavy is weighing me down.

I have started praying that God would show me why I can't stop thinking about someone who, in all reality, may not ever exist. I love you so much, and Kieran and Elias, too. And I feel pretty strongly that if God were to never give us another child, I could be okay with that. But I never do well with the in-betweens. After we miscarried Asher and before I discovered that we were pregnant with Kieran, I struggled with all the "what ifs" and the "whens." I guess, in some things, I like to have a general idea of what's going to happen.

I was so nervous to approach Jordan with this. I mean, I would never want to be that wife who pressures her husband into a decision that he still needs time to make. But I also would hate for something like this to build up into hurt and discord in our marriage.

… If this makes you feel bad, I'm sorry. But maybe you can understand that as intense as that feeling can sometimes be, I obviously don't feel like that all day, everyday. I am so thankful for you and our boys and the station in life I have so graciously been given. So please have patience with me, try to understand my heart, and ask God to help us stay unified ….

It can be difficult to walk around with a heart that is filled with the chaos of being divided. Once I had shared my heart with my husband and laid it all out before the Lord, I was able to find rest. I was able to understand that, while my husband was okay with "now," he wasn't in a hurry, either. My desires didn't change, but my perspective did. And the best part of all this was that as I was giving my idol over to Him, He was the only one who knew that I was already carrying the newest member of our family. He simply loves me that much that He wanted to draw me closer to Him first.

This verse is actually about Abraham, but I love that I can also take hold of God's promises. :)
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Lovely Things

It's been awhile.

But, then again, that's pretty normal for me in this situation isn't it? I can't think of anything to write that's as important as the news I want to share.

Baby number four – and hopefully our third to hold in our arms – is due around March 10th of next year! I am finally past the morning sickness (although brushing my teeth and changing diapers is always a potential trigger), and Kieran is getting pretty excited. Most of the time he says we are going to have a baby Elias (as in, a smaller version of Elias), but he has also said we are going to have a baby Eunice (our friends' baby daughter), a baby horse, a baby cow, and a baby octopus, of all things.

Goob #1

Goob #2

I love these boys so much, and as much as I have thought to myself every day for the last month or so, "What are we getting ourselves into?!" I am so excited to add another sibling to the mix – brother or sister, we don't care! That being said, after pulling out twin boys from the baby gender predictor at MOPS yesterday (suckers out of a bag), I am relieved to say that there is only one baby in there. :)

Look at that sweet little thing! We are right on track at 14 weeks and happy to say that there is no placenta previa this time around. This was the longest I have ever had to wait to hear my baby's heartbeat, and I cried tears of sweet relief at the sound. What a perfect reason to smile and be overflowing with joy on this day of remembrance … which also happens to be 11 years to the day since the hubs and I started dating. So many reasons to praise God today!

You Are Not Your Own

It seems I have always had a hard time trusting those lines that appear on a pregnancy test. For me, I need to hear a tiny, ridiculously fast-paced heartbeat to really be able to grasp the truth:  life is never going to be the same. The very first time I heard the sound of a heart other than mine beating from within me, everything changed in that very instant. No matter where I went or what I was doing, I knew that I was no longer doing it alone.

We change how we eat, how we move, how we think about the world. We submit to a sacred process that oftentimes keeps us from sleeping or finds us making more trips to the bathroom than we'd care to admit. And then we meet this tiny little person that has for so long been an extension of ourselves.

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All at once, I wanted to return them to that place of safety and comfort and nourishment, all the while knowing that now that I had held them and looked upon them, I could never let them go. And so, I learned what it is like to have another being completely dependent upon me for his every need. I learned the beauty of becoming a source of nourishment for someone else. Sometimes I chafed under the demand and the unfairness that this was a task that only I could perform. But God showed me just how vast He is and nursed my heart as I nursed each of my boys.

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5, NLT).

Now here I find myself, three years and nine months later, with my body returned to me, so to speak. I have a sweet babe waiting for me in heaven and two independent toddlers who don't need me specifically for nourishment; my baby, who isn't so much of a baby anymore, is officially weaned. And I can't help but meditate on these two things:

You are not your own. 

As I push myself physically and mentally, trying to get back into clothes that haven't fit the way I'd like them to for awhile, I know that I will never be the same. My body has gone through so, so much, in such a short amount of time. It deserves my respect and my admiration. It also deserves honesty and practicality and grace. I will take care of my body. I will  make peace with its flaws because I know I am not content with giving up … but I also know that it's not worth striving to be what I once was. I can look forward with confidence that God has designed my body to love and be loved.

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My children still need me. 

It may not be for late night feedings, but they still need what only I can give. No one can give hugs just the way I do. No one else reads the characters' voices in their favorite storybooks as only I do. They know my scent, the sound of my voice, and what that spot just below my chin feels like. Soon, they will need my wisdom and my advice. They will need a listening ear and an unjudging spirit. They will need a friend. They will need someone to be embarrassed about. They will always, always need someone to wake up every morning and strive to demonstrate God's love even when it is so, so hard. And they will still need someone to be a fortress and a safe haven for them.

Ah, motherhood.

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Rising From the Ashes to the Stars

In the shadows

In the sorrows

In the desert

When the pain hits

You are constant

Ever-present

You're the song of my heart

Happy third birthday to our sweet angel baby.

Little E's Library Birthday Party

It's already been ten days since little E's first birthday party!

A few months ago, I decided to go with a library theme because, for one, we really don't need any more toys for young toddlers, and I also am in love with children's books–such an easy, broad starting point. In a crime against books everywhere, I bought some Golden Books from a nearby antique store and disassembled my least favorites, turning them into paper banners, fans, and pinwheels.

In addition, I used a few of the books, some favorite quotes about reading and from children's books, and photos of my favorite one-year-old to decorate. I also found some cute, customizable woodland-themed bookmarks on Pinterest!

This is just in my room, not at the party. :)

Bookmarks!

For supper we had meatball subs, à la "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" (which I did not get a photo of), and Peter Rabbit's garden vegetable platter.

We also had apples with homemade caramel dip, representing "Ten Apples Up On Top."

 

And chocolate chip cookies for "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

As well as strawberry lemonade punch, for "The Red Lemon."

And the best part of the food? The cake, of course! Jordan's mom made some delicious cupcakes, and I made a smash cake for Elias to enjoy that were all fashioned into "The Hungry Caterpillar."

Did the birthday boy enjoy his cake? A lot more than his brother did, I think!

We were so thankful for the friends and family who were able to venture out to celebrate our little boy's special day.

Kieran and his friend "helping" Elias open one of his gifts. ;)

It's so great to be one!

P.S. As usual, mom didn't make it into the pictures, so here's one of me rockin' the braids and knit hat today because it was literally 10 degrees outside.