She's Here!

It's taken me a little while to write this because, well, I have simply had better things to do! :)

Let me start at the beginning. Friday, March 4th, we arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m. ready for our scheduled c-section. We weren't quite sure when we would get started because we were the second ones scheduled, but I think we finally went back around 9:00 a.m. As the time got closer and closer, I started to get so nervous, I actually thought I might throw up (although, I swear that could be all of the anti-nausea medications they gave me – blech!). But prayer and a lot of choosing not to dwell on my fears got me through the waiting, which was probably the worst part. 

When I finally got back to the operating room, they had the hardest time getting the anesthesia in (the procedure is the same as when getting an epidural). I lost count of how many times I was poked in the back – I guess being vertically challenged means that there is less room to work with between each vertebra. It was kind of nerve wracking, as it was hard not to wonder if the anesthesia would actually work. 

But eventually, everything was sorted out, Jordan was able to join me again, and it was time to start. Of course, I hardly remember Kieran's anymore because I was so tired, and I'm sure I don't remember all of the details of Elias', even though I wrote them both down. Still, this time around, the whole process seemed a lot more … aggressive. There was a lot of pushing and pulling and it seemed to take forever. Just like with Elias, they had to use the vacuum, this time because the baby's head was cockeyed. 

Nevertheless, at 9:51 a.m. we finally heard that first cry. When they announced, "It's a girl!" to us, Jordan and I were both in total shock. Every pregnancy we have entertained thoughts of a daughter, but with each boy the prospect seemed less and less likely – especially since boys run in the family. And this was all of her little face that I got to stare at while they finished taking care of me.

I felt so desperate for a good look at her face! Eventually, they took her to do her assessment, and about an hour after she was born, we were back in our room, and she was nursing like a little champ.

Our sweet baby girl, Adeline Hope, weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces (another big surprise, since the boys were 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 8 pounds, 7 ounces) and was 19 inches long. She also had the tiniest little head (again, especially compared to our boys). We were delighted to see her head of dark hair after two bald babes and, for now, we think she looks a lot like Kieran did as a baby, but of course, still definitely her own person.

Kieran James (3 years, 11 months), Elias Finn (2 years, 4 months), and Adeline Hope

We are in love with our family of five, and we praise God for these souls He has entrusted us with for just a little while.

Lovely Things

It's been awhile.

But, then again, that's pretty normal for me in this situation isn't it? I can't think of anything to write that's as important as the news I want to share.

Baby number four – and hopefully our third to hold in our arms – is due around March 10th of next year! I am finally past the morning sickness (although brushing my teeth and changing diapers is always a potential trigger), and Kieran is getting pretty excited. Most of the time he says we are going to have a baby Elias (as in, a smaller version of Elias), but he has also said we are going to have a baby Eunice (our friends' baby daughter), a baby horse, a baby cow, and a baby octopus, of all things.

Goob #1

Goob #2

I love these boys so much, and as much as I have thought to myself every day for the last month or so, "What are we getting ourselves into?!" I am so excited to add another sibling to the mix – brother or sister, we don't care! That being said, after pulling out twin boys from the baby gender predictor at MOPS yesterday (suckers out of a bag), I am relieved to say that there is only one baby in there. :)

Look at that sweet little thing! We are right on track at 14 weeks and happy to say that there is no placenta previa this time around. This was the longest I have ever had to wait to hear my baby's heartbeat, and I cried tears of sweet relief at the sound. What a perfect reason to smile and be overflowing with joy on this day of remembrance … which also happens to be 11 years to the day since the hubs and I started dating. So many reasons to praise God today!

Even When My Eyes Can't See

Hope.

Brokenness. 

Have you ever faced a mountain so big that you cannot see over or around it? Has it seemed so permanent that you start to believe it will always, always be there and, rather than continually bringing it before God, you start to believe (though you may never say it aloud) that He doesn't care about that particular mountain?

Sometimes the world steals our hope and pride or fear steal our ability to be broken before God, and we simply give up. We find it easier to stop thinking about the insurmountable and focus on what we can do and what we can change. We pour our hearts into another project, another soul, all the while knowing that God is waiting, waiting for us to resume the trek He has set before us. "Let me climb that hill!" we cry out desperately. "These people need my attention!" we mutter in self-justification. We can't understand why God would have us take up the climb one more time, when we have no surety that we will ever reach the top.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to visit my grandma's church, down south.

The pastor talked about John 13, when Jesus washes the feet of His disciples – nothing I hadn't heard before. But as my heart was being crushed by this mountain, I was so ready for His Word to speak life to me. Jesus was doing something that confounded everyone. He took on the mantle of a servant and willingly did one of the dirtiest and lowliest jobs: washing the dirt and grime of traveling on dusty roads and through animal droppings off of the crusty feet of these working-class men (no male pedicures, here). And Peter – our beloved Peter with whom we can all identify – just could not comprehend why Jesus would do this, nor how he could allow his revered teacher to see and touch and smell the filth collected on his feet. And when Jesus explained that if he didn't allow Him to wash his feet, then he could have no part in Him, Peter cried, "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!"

As we sat in a chilly, air-conditioned room on a hot and muggy Sunday morning, we were reminded that Jesus was able to see past the sin of those closest to them to serve them physically and minister to their souls. That morning, what Jesus said to Peter struck me in a way it never had before:

"What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand."

Sometimes, we just cannot understand why God seems to be so slow to answer. So we stop asking. We cannot understand how things will ever improve when they just seem to be getting worse. So we stop hoping. We begin to forget that, in all things, God is for us. So we stop running to God, asking Him to break our hearts once more.

For me, this mountain is the family I grew up in. And while I would never share all the details, it is enough to know that there are many broken and strained relationships and many, many hurts that happened even before I was born that are still bearing fruit today. While we spent several days away from home and with different family members, I came face-to-face with some of those and felt the weight of a broken, mostly unbelieving family press down on me again.

But one glorious event shone through, like suddenly stumbling upon a mountain pass.

I got to meet my little brother.

A brother I hadn't seen since he was six months old and I was five.

And I never, ever thought this would happen. At some point, it just seemed like too much time had passed for reconciliation to occur. And while everything was not perfect or golden, nor would I expect it to be, I saw God answering my prayers and the petitions of others. He gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and a deep-seated knowledge that He is still there, working in the midst of what so often seems like an impossible situation. And though I may not understand now, someday I will stand with Him on the brink of eternity, He will show me what He was doing, and I will understand.

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well

Through it all, through it all

Becoming a Boy

This face.

This boy.

When did it happen? In just four weeks he will be three years old. No longer a baby. No longer a toddler.

I feel like I am standing at the precipice of his boyhood, just as I will some day stand at the precipice of his manhood. As I peer over the edge into the muddy waters of the future, I catch glimpses of this new Kieran – a sneak peek of his first day of school, his first bike ride without training wheels, and the first time he stands up for his brother. I can almost hear the cries the first time someone calls him a name or when we rush him to get stitches. He has so much life ahead of him.

Every week brings new joys and challenges: the independence and the sassiness, the sweetness and the naughtiness, the tenderness and the stubbornness, and the maturity and the immaturity. Oftentimes, I can look back at the end of the day and see where I became too frustrated with this boy … but writing this now, all I can feel is joy and awe that I get to be his mom.

I just hope he can handle all of the extra cuddles he's going to get this month. :)

You Are Not Your Own

It seems I have always had a hard time trusting those lines that appear on a pregnancy test. For me, I need to hear a tiny, ridiculously fast-paced heartbeat to really be able to grasp the truth:  life is never going to be the same. The very first time I heard the sound of a heart other than mine beating from within me, everything changed in that very instant. No matter where I went or what I was doing, I knew that I was no longer doing it alone.

We change how we eat, how we move, how we think about the world. We submit to a sacred process that oftentimes keeps us from sleeping or finds us making more trips to the bathroom than we'd care to admit. And then we meet this tiny little person that has for so long been an extension of ourselves.

Source

All at once, I wanted to return them to that place of safety and comfort and nourishment, all the while knowing that now that I had held them and looked upon them, I could never let them go. And so, I learned what it is like to have another being completely dependent upon me for his every need. I learned the beauty of becoming a source of nourishment for someone else. Sometimes I chafed under the demand and the unfairness that this was a task that only I could perform. But God showed me just how vast He is and nursed my heart as I nursed each of my boys.

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5, NLT).

Now here I find myself, three years and nine months later, with my body returned to me, so to speak. I have a sweet babe waiting for me in heaven and two independent toddlers who don't need me specifically for nourishment; my baby, who isn't so much of a baby anymore, is officially weaned. And I can't help but meditate on these two things:

You are not your own. 

As I push myself physically and mentally, trying to get back into clothes that haven't fit the way I'd like them to for awhile, I know that I will never be the same. My body has gone through so, so much, in such a short amount of time. It deserves my respect and my admiration. It also deserves honesty and practicality and grace. I will take care of my body. I will  make peace with its flaws because I know I am not content with giving up … but I also know that it's not worth striving to be what I once was. I can look forward with confidence that God has designed my body to love and be loved.

Source

My children still need me. 

It may not be for late night feedings, but they still need what only I can give. No one can give hugs just the way I do. No one else reads the characters' voices in their favorite storybooks as only I do. They know my scent, the sound of my voice, and what that spot just below my chin feels like. Soon, they will need my wisdom and my advice. They will need a listening ear and an unjudging spirit. They will need a friend. They will need someone to be embarrassed about. They will always, always need someone to wake up every morning and strive to demonstrate God's love even when it is so, so hard. And they will still need someone to be a fortress and a safe haven for them.

Ah, motherhood.

Source

Little E's Library Birthday Party

It's already been ten days since little E's first birthday party!

A few months ago, I decided to go with a library theme because, for one, we really don't need any more toys for young toddlers, and I also am in love with children's books–such an easy, broad starting point. In a crime against books everywhere, I bought some Golden Books from a nearby antique store and disassembled my least favorites, turning them into paper banners, fans, and pinwheels.

In addition, I used a few of the books, some favorite quotes about reading and from children's books, and photos of my favorite one-year-old to decorate. I also found some cute, customizable woodland-themed bookmarks on Pinterest!

This is just in my room, not at the party. :)

Bookmarks!

For supper we had meatball subs, à la "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" (which I did not get a photo of), and Peter Rabbit's garden vegetable platter.

We also had apples with homemade caramel dip, representing "Ten Apples Up On Top."

 

And chocolate chip cookies for "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

As well as strawberry lemonade punch, for "The Red Lemon."

And the best part of the food? The cake, of course! Jordan's mom made some delicious cupcakes, and I made a smash cake for Elias to enjoy that were all fashioned into "The Hungry Caterpillar."

Did the birthday boy enjoy his cake? A lot more than his brother did, I think!

We were so thankful for the friends and family who were able to venture out to celebrate our little boy's special day.

Kieran and his friend "helping" Elias open one of his gifts. ;)

It's so great to be one!

P.S. As usual, mom didn't make it into the pictures, so here's one of me rockin' the braids and knit hat today because it was literally 10 degrees outside.

Refreshed and Recharged

I have a few blog posts in my head that have not made their way out yet, so I thought I would tide you over with what's been going on with our little family lately. More specifically, here is what is going on with the littlest member of our family.

This adorable ten-month-old boy has been growing in leaps and bounds, it seems. He no longer has army crawling as his only mode of transportation, he can also crawl on his hands and knees if he has a mind to. He loves to pull himself to standing and can, thankfully, find his way back down to his knees or his bottom most of the time. Elias has been able to say, "mama," for awhile, and he can also say, "dada," "uh-oh," and "bath" (although I'm a little unsure on that last one).

He loves to eat and can even get a spoon in his mouth if all of the circumstances are working in his favor. He likes eggs, fruit, sweet potatoes, squash, chicken, roast beef, noodles, and all manners of crackers or cereal. :)

As a family, we are trying to soak up the last rays of this transition from summer to fall, enjoying some time outside whenever we have the chance.

Because I remember silly things like that, Jordan and I celebrated our ten-year dating anniversary along with our 7 1/2 year wedding anniversary. Jordan's gracious mama babysat our children for us so we could go out to our favorite Thai restaurant and have some good one-on-one time, followed by my first jamocha shake in three years at our favorite coffee shop, Burgie's (this is hand-scooped ice cream and real espresso, my friends!).

It was good to have some opportunities to reconnect this weekend, as I have really been struggling lately with how I have been doing as a parent (and a stay-at-home parent, at that) … but that's for another post. All in all, I am so glad that God gives us times of refreshment when He knows we need them the most. We all need to recharge sometimes so we can jump back into our jobs, our families, and our ministries with renewed vigor. 

He never lets us run dry.

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence." ~2 Peter 1:3