And So We Learn

A friend recently asked me to reflect on what God taught me in 2013.

That's a rather large undertaking.

I mean, it was quite the eventful year for us:  we celebrated our son's first birthday, we found out we were pregnant again, we moved (not far), we added another boy to our brood, and I quit my job to stay home with our two kiddos.

So, it's no surprise that the overarching theme of 2013 for me was the call to trust. I struggled with not knowing the outcome of this pregnancy. I struggled with the decision of how our baby would be born. I struggled with the desire to stay home.

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At the beginning of last year, I wrote this:

You see, somewhere along the way, the things we desire so much--even the good things--become our idols. They creep up somewhat unsuspectingly, and push God out of that number one place in our hearts. We stop being still and start striving like little children who see something forbidden just out of their reach. And we start to doubt something fundamental:  that God is good. Because God can't really be good if He withholds good from me.

It is so easy to confuse what I think is best with what God's best for me is. But being at home with the littles has only shed more light on how selfish I am--how I long for peaceful circumstances and tend to take the easy road. All of these things--trust, idolatry, selfishness--they are all the same lesson needing to be learned and relearned.

Some friends of ours just returned from a mission trip to Honduras, and they were amazed that the people there were so joyful in the midst of their poverty. Though they were living in mud huts with tin roofs and four or five to a bed, they were rich in so many other things. Our friends remarked that it seemed that we Americans have surrounded ourselves with things that rob us of our joy and the necessity to trust God. As we look at possibly (finally!) buying a house this year, I can't help but examine my heart in this process. And when I take a closer look, it's not that pretty. "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27). I want to trust God with this search for a home for our family; yet, my heart wants to find a nice house, get a good deal on it, and have it located within my comfort zone.

Would it matter if my house is spacious and beautiful but the people within it are angry and bitter? Would it matter if we saved money only to spend it all on things to fill the house but not hearts? While I do need to trust God to lead us to the right house, I need to be petitioning God daily to help us set up the right home. I need to ask Him to change my heart and help me to choose to do the hard things with my children that will build a lasting foundation in their lives. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the struggles of trusting God with the urgent matters in our lives that need answers and forget to entrust the entirety of our lives to him. This week, I was praying for my son as he repeatedly threw up while battling a 24-hour flu bug. But do I pray daily for him to see the light of Christ? Do I pray for him to have a soft heart toward discipline and authority and have a teachable spirit? At lunch, we prayed that God would keep Daddy safe and protect him from the cold. But do I regularly pray that God would grow my husband as a father and lead our family through him?

Maybe part of growing up is learning that life is full of moments of surrender to God. It's not just a one-time decision of dedication. It's not just asking Him to handle the big events in our lives. 

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Like the name of this blog, it is the little things in life--the common, everyday, I'm-struggling-just-to-brush-my-teeth-before-I-fall-into-bed moments--that make up a life. And so, I think that this year, it's time to dig a little deeper and trust God more in the everyday.

Lover of Ashes

Thirteen Going On Thirty

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Remember this movie? Of course you do. Teenage girl growing up in the eighties who wants so badly to be a part of the popular crowd. Her best friend makes her a little house and sprinkles it with magic dust that will make her wish come true. Inspired by a magazine, she wishes to  be "thirty, flirty, and thriving." Her wish does comes true, and she wakes up seventeen years in the future to find out that she has become popular--and a pretty nasty person, too. She has a glamorous life, but in the process, she has also lost touch with her family and her best friend (who turns out to be quite possibly the best male love interest in a movie ever).

When I was thirteen, I certainly had different priorities than I do now and a different idea of what my life would turn out to be like (not that it's anywhere near complete!). The dreams and ideals of a thirteen-year-old girl are not wrong, they're just not fully developed. How can they be, when you have yet to discover who you are and who you can be? Since those early teenage days, I have learned so much more about who I am and what I can do--and who Christ is and what He can do in me.

• When I was thirteen, I thought I would change the world. ...In reality, I have learned that changing the world doesn't have to mean finding a cure for cancer but shaping the lives of those who are in yours.
• When I was thirteen, I thought that someone who devoted their lives to raising their children was throwing away years they would never get back. ...In reality, the years I spend on this earth are not about how I can build up my list of attributes and accomplishments but about how I can build into others. Life is not about living inward but living outward.
• When I was thirteen, I didn't understand marriage, but I knew I wanted to be loved. ...In reality, I didn't understand much about love, either. I wanted someone to accept me with all of my flaws and to fill in all the gaping holes left by my teenage insecurities (which, by the way, never completely go away--most of them just evolve into adult-sized insecurities that we learn to expertly cover up as we grow older). I wanted someone to want to be with me. What I didn't understand was that I could never have those gaping holes in my heart filled by a man. The only one who could fill me was Christ.
• When I was thirteen, what was on the outside was so important to me. I so wished we could afford the right house, the right clothes, the right haircut. ...In reality, it's still difficult at times to not let those things matter. But I have gained enough wisdom to know that even if I do have those things, they will not make me happy for long. And if I do find my joy in them, then my joy is misplaced and I am missing out on the true Joy-giver.
• When I was thirteen, I thought my life would be set by now. I would be well into my career and my path for life would be clearly set before me, waiting for me to just set a steady pace toward the finish line. ...In reality, I don't know if I could ever tell you where I would be five years from now. When I look back on all of the changes that can happen in five years, I cannot even begin to imagine what God will do in the next five. Goals are important, but hold onto them loosely, for God has something bigger than a five-year plan.
• When I was thirteen, I thought that I had to be somebody. I thought that I had to become someone important and accomplish great things. ...In reality, I have learned that a janitor can assume just as much greatness as the president of the United States, if not more so. Greatness comes from humbling yourself, giving your life for others, and doing all for the glory of God.
• When I was thirteen, I was so often beaten down by all of the glaring shortcomings I could see in my life. ...In reality, that hasn't changed all that much. Except, now I know this: "'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

My life now is definitely not how I had pictured it at thirteen. But how could I have pictured all of this?! I am so thankful for all of the blessings in my life and that God intervened, years ago, and I gave my life over to Him. So, here's to the next thirty years!

One Word

I feel as though I am on the cusp of many changes in my life. There is, of course, the ringing in of the new year. And in this new year, we are settling into being a family of four. With the addition of another little one to our household, we have made the decision for Mom (that's me!) to stay at home; that alone is a huge life change for both Jordan and I. And as I enter into the last week of my twenties--that's right, the big three-oh is waiting for me on Friday--I find myself in a reflective mood.

A few days ago, I saw an author discussing his book, One Word That Will Change Your Life. I have never read the book and probably never will, but I did like what he had to say. They were discussing resolutions, and he explained his philosophy: "One Word explains how to simplify your life and business by focusing on just ONE WORD for the entire year. The simplicity of choosing one word makes it a catalyst for life-change. Clutter and complexity lead to procrastination and paralysis, while simplicity and focus lead to success and clarity." His three main points were to "look in, look up, and look out." The idea is that each year you pick a new word that you want to define your year and be your focus for change, like compassion or gratefulness.

I really did not give it too much thought again until this morning. I was overwhelmed this morning during communion by what God has given me and what He sacrificed for me to have it. And as I was reflecting on what I have in Christ and how my heart needs to change, my word slammed into my heart and mind.

Servanthood.

There are so many things that I want to work on as I enter a new year, a new decade, and a new phase of my life. There are so many areas where I feel like I fail or cannot even find the motivation to start trying because it just seems too hard or like a setup for failure. There are so many lessons that I know I still need to learn.

But if I could focus on just one thing for now, it would be servanthood. I desire to have a servant's heart. To do things for others--not just out of mere obligation or duty, but because I delight in it. There is a story that John Piper tells of how he can best follow God's command to love his wife. He could, of course (and this is all paraphrased), show up to their door with a dozen roses. And when she answers the door, he could hand them to her and say, "These are for you...because that is what a good husband is supposed to do." Or, he could show up with those same dozen roses and say, "I wanted to give these to you so much, just to see your face lighting up like it is now. You are my delight." That is why his mantra is, "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him."

I want to delight in laying down my life for my husband.

He deserves someone who places his needs before her own. I want to strive to not only do the things we have come to expect from each other but to look for ways to live out love to him by serving him. I want to be the kind of partner who helps to carry his burdens, instead of adding to them. I want to take joy in bringing him joy and creating a joyful home for him to return to everyday. And I want to be the kind of wife that he can place his trust in because I am a good steward of all of the things we have worked so hard for and, like the Proverbs 31 woman, I make good use of the things we have so graciously been given.

I want to delight in laying down my life for my sons.

There is still so much I have to learn:  about being a parent, about babies who become boys who become men, about representing Christ to my children by the way that I live--so that they might be drawn to Him by what they see in me--and about living a lifestyle of grace where love of others overpowers love of self. I want to teach my boys that hard work is not only demanded of us, but it pays off in the end and it builds you into the kind of person others can depend on. I want to demonstrate to them that, in a family, you always come last, and when you focus on the needs of others, the dying to self comes easier everyday. I want to pour myself out each day (oh, how I want this but my heart is so disinclined toward it!) as a wife and a mother, so at the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing left, and I have to run to God and be filled by His strength and His heart because this just cannot come from me.

I want to delight in laying down my life for my friends.

One of the more difficult things I have found about starting a family is the challenge of allowing friendships to evolve to make room for the new people in your life without letting those friendships fall by the wayside. Some of my dearest friends I hardly ever get to see because our schedules are just so hard to work out. And some of the best days of my life were in college when my friends were also my roommates. I loved the movie nights, Dairy Queen runs, when other friends would sleep over, and talks that would go late into the night. My heart still craves that kind of close female friendship--it seems like lately I get little tastes of it here and there but not enough to really satisfy that need.

If I desire this friendship so much, then I need to put myself out there. Everyone my age is busy, either with things at home or at work or with ministry. But if I don't put forth the effort, then how can I reap the rewards? I want to be a better friend to those who have stood by me for so long. I think it starts with little things:  texting an encouraging word, asking how I can pray for them (and actually praying for them), or making room in our schedules for a coffee date. But I want to go even deeper than that. I want to look for ways that I can show love to my friends. I want to find a way to be involved in their lives even when time and distance prevents me from being physically present in their lives as much as I would like. I need to put forth the effort to make things happen. And I am still okay with a late night chat from time to time. :)

"The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." --Matthew 23:11-12