Yet I Will Praise You

Today, our little baby, whom I carried but never held, would have been five. We knew about him for such a short time before we lost him, that his past birthdays have come and gone with some sadness but much joy at the knowledge that when we see Jesus face to face, we will also see our first child for the first time.

But today seems like such a significant day: a day when you look into the face of your child and see the resemblance of who they once were but recognize them as someone new – someone changed and grown. Our lives are made up of many of these moments of seeing and recognizing but knowing we aren't now who we were then.

So, today I wish that I could hold our little Asher Matthias. That I could see him blow out his birthday candles just once. That I could tell him now that I am so happy that he is a part of our family and that he is indeed a gift to us, just as his names mean. His little life was and is so much bigger to me than a span of weeks. It is a memorial stone in my walk with God. Whenever I feel weary or full of doubt, I can look back at that time and at God's care for me and I know with full certainty that He is for me and is always shepherding me.

So many I know have and are currently going through intense periods of hurt and suffering in ways that I cannot imagine. But God always demonstrates His great love for us by reconciling us to Himself and guiding us toward a greater intimacy with Him, if we let Him use our suffering to shape us and grow us. If we recognize that sorrow may last for the night, but joy will come with the morning. If we choose to let the ones we have lost have a legacy of bringing glory to God through their impact in us and through us. 

I was and am surprised to feel this strongly today. But I welcome God's reminder of His unending faithfulness to us. He is always, always enough.

Source

She's Here!

It's taken me a little while to write this because, well, I have simply had better things to do! :)

Let me start at the beginning. Friday, March 4th, we arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m. ready for our scheduled c-section. We weren't quite sure when we would get started because we were the second ones scheduled, but I think we finally went back around 9:00 a.m. As the time got closer and closer, I started to get so nervous, I actually thought I might throw up (although, I swear that could be all of the anti-nausea medications they gave me – blech!). But prayer and a lot of choosing not to dwell on my fears got me through the waiting, which was probably the worst part. 

When I finally got back to the operating room, they had the hardest time getting the anesthesia in (the procedure is the same as when getting an epidural). I lost count of how many times I was poked in the back – I guess being vertically challenged means that there is less room to work with between each vertebra. It was kind of nerve wracking, as it was hard not to wonder if the anesthesia would actually work. 

But eventually, everything was sorted out, Jordan was able to join me again, and it was time to start. Of course, I hardly remember Kieran's anymore because I was so tired, and I'm sure I don't remember all of the details of Elias', even though I wrote them both down. Still, this time around, the whole process seemed a lot more … aggressive. There was a lot of pushing and pulling and it seemed to take forever. Just like with Elias, they had to use the vacuum, this time because the baby's head was cockeyed. 

Nevertheless, at 9:51 a.m. we finally heard that first cry. When they announced, "It's a girl!" to us, Jordan and I were both in total shock. Every pregnancy we have entertained thoughts of a daughter, but with each boy the prospect seemed less and less likely – especially since boys run in the family. And this was all of her little face that I got to stare at while they finished taking care of me.

I felt so desperate for a good look at her face! Eventually, they took her to do her assessment, and about an hour after she was born, we were back in our room, and she was nursing like a little champ.

Our sweet baby girl, Adeline Hope, weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces (another big surprise, since the boys were 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 8 pounds, 7 ounces) and was 19 inches long. She also had the tiniest little head (again, especially compared to our boys). We were delighted to see her head of dark hair after two bald babes and, for now, we think she looks a lot like Kieran did as a baby, but of course, still definitely her own person.

Kieran James (3 years, 11 months), Elias Finn (2 years, 4 months), and Adeline Hope

We are in love with our family of five, and we praise God for these souls He has entrusted us with for just a little while.

Celebrations

Wow. I have been wanting to write this post for a long time now, but between computer issues and kids who get jealous when I use the computer (it's a real problem), it just hasn't happened. So, let's see if I can squeeze two months into one little – or not so little – blog post.

October was full of fall celebrations with a trip to an apple orchard and pumpkin patch, a hayride at Grandpa and Grandma's farm, and trick-or-treating with our very own fire chief and police chief (not pictured).

November started off grandly with a good view of this little face at his or her 23-week ultrasound.

The same week, we also celebrated the littlest one in the household turning two!

He thoroughly enjoyed his barn cake with farm animal cupcakes. And, while they were fairly time consuming to decorate, his mama certainly enjoyed making them! This little man is my sweet and sassy one! He can be cuddly and full of kisses one minute, then taking a stand and refusing to back down the next. Elias is the one I worry about when I think about this baby coming because he is most certainly a mama's boy, but we are working on that, too.

The first week of November also included Kieran's debut as a ring bearer at the wedding of a long-time friend, Lindsay.

November also brought about the 70th anniversary of Jordan's grandparents.

It was so wonderful to be a part of the celebrations and to hear the testament of the faith, love, and loyalty of these two lovely people that we so admire. It is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that we have only been married for about 12% of that time! I hope and pray that we can be even half of the example to our own children and grandchildren that they have been to us.

Since then, we have also had plenty of time with family – including a trip to Illinois to visit my brother and his family during the one snowstorm we've had this winter – a fun date night with our small group, and Christmas celebrations. We even got to celebrate with some neighborhood friends tonight as we adapted what has become our annual Elf party. :) … And while it looks like we won't have a white Christmas this year, we definitely have much to celebrate.

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Lovely Things

It's been awhile.

But, then again, that's pretty normal for me in this situation isn't it? I can't think of anything to write that's as important as the news I want to share.

Baby number four – and hopefully our third to hold in our arms – is due around March 10th of next year! I am finally past the morning sickness (although brushing my teeth and changing diapers is always a potential trigger), and Kieran is getting pretty excited. Most of the time he says we are going to have a baby Elias (as in, a smaller version of Elias), but he has also said we are going to have a baby Eunice (our friends' baby daughter), a baby horse, a baby cow, and a baby octopus, of all things.

Goob #1

Goob #2

I love these boys so much, and as much as I have thought to myself every day for the last month or so, "What are we getting ourselves into?!" I am so excited to add another sibling to the mix – brother or sister, we don't care! That being said, after pulling out twin boys from the baby gender predictor at MOPS yesterday (suckers out of a bag), I am relieved to say that there is only one baby in there. :)

Look at that sweet little thing! We are right on track at 14 weeks and happy to say that there is no placenta previa this time around. This was the longest I have ever had to wait to hear my baby's heartbeat, and I cried tears of sweet relief at the sound. What a perfect reason to smile and be overflowing with joy on this day of remembrance … which also happens to be 11 years to the day since the hubs and I started dating. So many reasons to praise God today!

Our Three-Day Potty Training Experience

WE DID IT!!!

This kid is potty trained! :) I put all these shenanigans off time and time again until, finally, we just picked a weekend on the calendar and decided that unless an emergency came up it was time.

I had read the 3 Day Potty Training e-book awhile ago, so I went back and reviewed it. While the whole idea of getting it over and done with seemed very appealing, I was also super intimidated by how intense it sounded. You become your child's shadow and are responsible for running them to the bathroom anytime they are about to have an accident. You remind them a million times to, "Tell Mommy or Daddy if you feel like you have to go potty." But do you know what? It was great!

The first day is just weird for a potty-training novice. Neither you or your child know what is going on. We started out the morning last Saturday in his very last diaper from the evening before and waited until after breakfast to change him. First, we made a very big deal about Kieran giving all of his diapers to his little brother (who goes up a size in diapers at bedtime). We had him throw away the one he was wearing, and put on his own underwear. … He was pretty hesitant at first, "No! I don't want underwear!" Even though he was excited about it the night before, there was still some uncertainty. 

And then, we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Since he had already gone in his morning diaper, he didn't have to go to the bathroom again for another two or three hours – even with all of the fluids we were pumping into him. When he did finally have to go, we kind of failed at the whole point of the three-day method and didn't get him to the bathroom in time to finish over the toilet. In fact, the first two or three times we didn't get him there fast enough because he would make a little whimpering noise, and by the time we got there, he was done. We just told him it was "yucky" and reminded him to tell us as soon as he felt like he had to go potty because we wanted to keep our underwear, "dry!"

The first day felt pretty unproductive, but we were so proud of him when he woke up with dry underwear! By the end of the first day and into the second day, he was able to get to the potty and finish in it but not keep his underwear dry. And by sometime the third day, he was able tell us he needed to go and keep his underwear dry!! I'll tell ya, folks, it feels good to cross this bridge and say, "Goodbye," to four diapers a day.

Now, of course, there are still some things we need to work on. In the week that has passed since we started potty training, he has only ever gone in our bathroom. The one time he needed to go when we were out of the house, he had an accident because he was scared to use their bathroom. He has also never gone for anyone but Mom or Dad, so it may be interesting the first time he has to go at church or if someone else is watching him. Then, of course, there is the dreaded "number two." The first time was an emotional disaster that didn't get anywhere close to the bathroom, while the second time was extremely successful – in the potty from start to finish. And McDonald's ice cream cones for everyone! But one success does not guarantee the next.

Needless to say, I am pretty proud of my boy. It's scenes like this, though, that keep us humble.

Somebunny's Three

Was this just two years ago?

Everyone in our house was getting excited for K's birthday. Even Elias was getting in on the game, and a week later, he's still singing, "Happy birthday to you." Kieran did NOT like his three-year appointment … until the sucker came out! He weighed in at 29.6 pounds (28th percentile) and measured 25.25 inches (7th percentile). We stopped for chicken nuggets, and Kieran scored some free birthday cookies!

Elias enjoyed a little, too. :)

On his actual birthday, we met up with some friends at a park halfway between our towns. It was fun to spend the morning with friends and to try out a new place!

For dinner, Kieran requested hamburgers, so we had sliders and hot dogs and other grilling fare and, of course, cake!

I made an ice cream cake, and he loved it! It was super easy, too. I softened some chocolate ice cream and spread it into an 8x8 pan lined with plastic wrap, then let it set in the freezer. I made some hot fudge, let it cool some, then layered that on top of the ice cream. After layering some crushed Oreos on top of the fudge, I again let it set in the freezer. A layer of softened vanilla ice cream and another stint in the freezer, and it was ready to be inverted onto a cutting board. I "frosted" it with Cool Whip and topped it with green sprinkles, more crushed Oreos, and a little John Deere tractor. 

We had some family over to celebrate, and we all enjoyed watching Kieran open his presents. Little did we know that we all got him something vehicle-related.

In some things, little boys are easy to please. :)

A couple days later, this boy was over-the-moon excited just to be able to sit on the mowers at Lowe's.

I already posted something mushy about my little man turning three, so I'll spare you that. But we sure do love this boy to pieces!

Celebrations

It's been a crazy couple of weeks! I finished up my 10-week program at Farrell's on the 21st, and Jordan and I took an overnight getaway to Minneapolis on the 27th and 28th.

Although I was hoping to push a little bit harder, I have to say that I was pleased with my results when I tested out on the last day of the program. I lost 8.5 pounds according to their scale – 10 pounds according to my own – and a total of 4% body fat. In addition, I lost two inches off of my waist and a total of 10.25 inches combined off of my chest, waist, hips, arms, and thighs. But what really impressed me was my strength gain! My push-ups increased from 19 (toes) and 17 (knees) to 30 (toes) and 33 (knees) in one minute. My sit-ups increased from a measly 8 in one minute to 26. I also gained two inches on my sit-and-reach and shaved 2:19 off of my mile.

All of this hard work really put me in the mood to celebrate! I was so excited that I was able to keep our anniversary destination a secret from Jordan. A few months ago, I found a Groupon for a hotel in downtown Minneapolis. I thought Jordan would like the fact that the building used to be a really grand old bank (a farmer's and mechanic's savings bank, to be exact). The hotel's restaurant is laid out in the original lobby, and you can still see where the bank tellers would be and such. They also keep their wine in the bank's vault, in case you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Before heading downtown, we stopped at the Mall of America and did a little shopping – mostly just enjoying the fact that it was just the two of us. I had asked a friend that lives in the Cities for a couple of recommendations for good places to eat, so I was really excited to try one of them out; however, the hotel had a surcharge of $13.95 per day for basic internet access, so I couldn't access my messages to see what they were. I was pretty frustrated, but we took it in stride and headed out to take in the sites and see if anything struck our fancy. After walking around for awhile, we backtracked to a Brazilian steakhouse, Fogo de Chao.

While we were waiting for a table, we asked to see a menu, but we were so confused because we couldn't find prices anywhere! When we were seated, we were directed to the salad bar … silly us, it wasn't until after we went through that we thought to speak up and ask how the pricing worked.  Let's just say that had we known, we wouldn't have stayed.

Still, the food was delicious, and it was an experience, as well. The salad bar was very good and a little more exotic than you might usually find. When at your table, you are served rolls and family style side dishes that are constantly being replenished. But the best part is the meat. Waiters are always walking by with some sort of meat that has been rotisseried:  fillet mignon, top sirloin, garlic beef, chicken and sausage, parmesan-encrusted pork loin, lamb chops, leg of lamb, shrimp … I'm sure I'm forgetting something! It's definitely a time to throw caution to the wind and overeat. Speaking of which, we were given a complimentary dessert for our anniversary, but there was no way we could eat another bite. We chose the turtle cheesecake and ended up eating it later that evening in our hotel room with these gigantic coffee stirrers that just happened to double as chopsticks. 

We had a wonderful time, and I am convinced that it was time well spent. We really needed to remember what it was like to just be a couple! 

We returned to a sad, sick little two-year-old but were very thankful for a grandma who took good care of him. Needless to say, by that evening, he was back to his energetic, ornery little self. :) Tonight, I cried a little after I put him to bed on his last night of being two. Last night I asked him how old he was going to be on his birthday, and Kieran said, "Three! I'm gonna be smart, Mom."

Life is never dull.

Rising From the Ashes to the Stars

In the shadows

In the sorrows

In the desert

When the pain hits

You are constant

Ever-present

You're the song of my heart

Happy third birthday to our sweet angel baby.

One Word–2015

Last year, instead of making a New Year's Resolution, I chose one word that I wanted to define my year: servanthood. It wasn't easy. In fact, I would say that after the first six months, I became somewhat immune to the word; nevertheless, I am glad that I did it, and I want to try again this year. 

As I thought and thought about what I struggled most with in 2014, it became clear to me that I drifted through many periods of purposelessness and apathy. This fall, in our MOPS group, we have focused on the theme "Be You, Bravely." So often I allow fear to drive my life and keep me from trying new things–whether it's potty training my two-year-old or introducing myself to a stranger. It's easier to stay where life is comfortable and relatively safe, instead of stretching myself or trying and failing. As our lives and our roles change, we often lose our sense of self and just stay afloat in the day-to-day aspects of living life, rather than diving in and reaching for the next thing God has for us.

I went searching for a quote from Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, a book I read when I was out on my own for the first time my first semester of college. While perhaps not on my list of the top five books I have ever read, God knew it was what I needed at that time. As I skimmed through the first chapter of the book, what really resonated with me wasn't the perspective on where I came from but the purposelessness I have felt lately with where I am going. 2014 ushered in a new era for me as I quit my full-time job to stay at home after the birth of our second child. I could write pages on what drove us to make that decision; however, as with many things in life, sometimes the greater challenge is not the decisions themselves but the act of living them out.

There is so much value in taking that leap of faith and following what we believe to be God’s will for us; the difficulty often lies in the day-to-day faithfulness to the steps we have already taken as we practice the upward climb of our walk with Christ. We struggle for joy in the daily tasks he sets before us. We wrestle with seeking to please God rather than men. We fail to trust God as we take our lives into our own hands once again. Yet, we also find joy as we allow God to shape our ambitions, our passions, our loves, and our view of self and others.

The danger lies in allowing our roles to become our purpose. As Warren says, “The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness. It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose and for his purpose.” For me, I find this to be so very, very hard. Though I know I belong to Christ, I often look to circumstances and relationships to define and anchor me; so when any of these things change, I easily drift away. Our contentment must be rooted in something more substantial—and more eternal.

Hebrews 13 declares:

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" … Therefore let us go to [Jesus] outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

This year I am choosing two words:  Be involved. I want to be more involved with my children. I want to actively love them and challenge them and cheer them on. I desire to be more involved with my husband. I need to motivate us to connect on those deeper levels during those times in our days when it's just so much easier to be near each other but not be with each other. I would like to be more involved with my neighbor–both the woman who lives up above us and the mom that I meet at the park. And I desperately need to be more involved with God. 

I need to boldly run to God and plead with him to help me to lay aside the distractions of this world. With confidence, I can say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.” These roles that I take on will change, but God will never leave me. My relationships will ebb and flow, but He will never forsake me. I cannot stake my purpose in a relationship or a person, for this will fail me every time; rather, I should desire to count the cost and run to Jesus no matter the reproach. I must beg God to give me eyes that are fixated on the Kingdom to come, lips that are quick to praise God and acknowledge his name, and a heart that seeks to do good and invest myself in others.

Being a loving and invested mom is a good thing. Being a faithful and trustworthy employee is a good thing. Being a loyal and supportive wife is also a very good thing. But not only will these things fail to give me the true contentment I seek, I will also fail miserably at them if I miss my greater purpose: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me” (Philippians 3:12, NLT). We will all be better daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, friends, and coworkers when we seek to become that finished work Christ already saw in us when he saved us. Don't lose yourself in purposelessness or apathy this year.

Be involved. Fight for joy, as God fights for your joy.

When condemnation grips my heart and Satan tempts me to despair, I hear the voice that scatters fear. The Great I Am, the Lord is here. Oh, praise the One who fights for me and shields my soul eternally. –Rend Collective, “Boldly I Approach”

Little E's Library Birthday Party

It's already been ten days since little E's first birthday party!

A few months ago, I decided to go with a library theme because, for one, we really don't need any more toys for young toddlers, and I also am in love with children's books–such an easy, broad starting point. In a crime against books everywhere, I bought some Golden Books from a nearby antique store and disassembled my least favorites, turning them into paper banners, fans, and pinwheels.

In addition, I used a few of the books, some favorite quotes about reading and from children's books, and photos of my favorite one-year-old to decorate. I also found some cute, customizable woodland-themed bookmarks on Pinterest!

This is just in my room, not at the party. :)

Bookmarks!

For supper we had meatball subs, à la "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" (which I did not get a photo of), and Peter Rabbit's garden vegetable platter.

We also had apples with homemade caramel dip, representing "Ten Apples Up On Top."

 

And chocolate chip cookies for "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

As well as strawberry lemonade punch, for "The Red Lemon."

And the best part of the food? The cake, of course! Jordan's mom made some delicious cupcakes, and I made a smash cake for Elias to enjoy that were all fashioned into "The Hungry Caterpillar."

Did the birthday boy enjoy his cake? A lot more than his brother did, I think!

We were so thankful for the friends and family who were able to venture out to celebrate our little boy's special day.

Kieran and his friend "helping" Elias open one of his gifts. ;)

It's so great to be one!

P.S. As usual, mom didn't make it into the pictures, so here's one of me rockin' the braids and knit hat today because it was literally 10 degrees outside.