A Month of Gifts: Day Thirty-One

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Dear Sweet Baby of Mine,

One year. 52 weeks. 365 days.

Kieran, you have been such a gift to your papa and to me. You have opened our eyes to so many new things. You have stretched us and tried us, you have blessed us and made our lives richer and sweeter.

You have a sweetness to you that is undeniable. You know when you make us laugh or are entertaining those around you, and that only spurs you on to do whatever it is you are doing all the more. You love to eat! And when you are hungry, you let everyone know. You seem to get into everything these days, and the most interesting things seem to be always just out of your reach. You are liking books more and more lately; recently, you have wanted me to reread the same book to you over and over again.

Your blue eyes, kissable cheeks, and laughing grin are irresistible to this mama.

I am still so intimidated by the responsibility of raising you to be a man of integrity--a man who will, hopefully, love the Lord and then others before himself. And so, this is my prayer for you:

Father,
You are the Giver of good things. You delight in those love Your ways, and Your greatest desire is for us to delight in You. 

God, I pray that you will help me to show my son what that looks like. That you would help me to reflect You in his life in such a way that, rather than being pushed toward You, he is drawn to you, like a deer to a stream. Show Jordan and me how to live out our love for You and live out our marriage so our son can see what a loving, sacrificial relationship looks like.  

Lord, as he grows, help him to see how empty he is without You in his life. Help him to choose Your ways over what might be easier or more popular. Help him to see the value of laying down his life for others. And, most of all, help him to understand what You did by sending Your Son to lay down His life for him.

Son, I hope that you choose kindness and mercy over bullying and name-calling. I hope you see the value of people. They may not look like you, act like you, learn like you, run like you, dress like you, talk like you, or even smell like you. But, Son, they are made in the image of God--just like you. I want you to know that being a man does not mean taking chances and stepping on people to get as far as you can in the crazy competitiveness of life. A real man serves. A real man considers the needs of others before the needs of himself. You may never marry. You may never have children. But if you ever do, they will always, always come first. You are second, third, fourth, fifth--whatever it takes. Remember, the first shall be last and the last shall be first.

Sweet Baby, I hope that you realize that the only person you have to please is God, and He has given you everything you need to be able to follow Him. If you are anything like your mama, you will want to please people and make them like you. And that is okay, to some degree. But people will fail you. Your papa and I will fail you. Know this:  God will never, ever, ever fail you. And so, if you are going to try to make anyone happy, make Him happy.

There are so many more things I could tell you. But one thing I cannot forget is just how much your papa and I love you. We love you sooooooo much! We are your biggest fans, and we will cheer you on. We pray for you, we think about you when we are away from you, and we cannot imagine what our lives would be like had we never met you.

Love,

Mama

A Month of Gifts: Day Thirty

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Source

56. The chance to list all of these gifts. Tomorrow's post will be a long one. For now, let me just say that there is hardly a single day that goes by that I take for granted that all the memories and the laughter, all the tiredness and the grumbles are more than I deserve. I could not just expect that I would have an uneventful pregnancy. I could not just expect that I would have a successful delivery. And I cannot expect to outlive my child. It is not morbidity or fatalism that drives these thoughts but an overwhelming awe of the gift of the everyday. Of the knowledge that none of this should be taken for granted and expected as my right. Treasure each day...each moment. And thank the Creator, the Giver, the Provider, and the Sustainer.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Nine

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

55.  The hope of Good Friday. It has always sounded absurd to me to call the day that an innocent man was beaten and mocked and sentenced to die "good". Today is a good day because God is good and has the ability to bring good even out of something that seems so horrible. Today is a good day because I know that Sunday is coming. Today is a good day because it gives me hope. When my son becomes aware enough to look at the world around him and see children his age enduring things I cannot hardly think about, I can lead him to this one truth:  "Jesus gave his life for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live."

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Eight

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Little man got his first haircut today!

54.  Locks of hair saved inside an envelope. Another page of babyhood turned...another memory made.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Seven

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

53.  Seeing his desire grow to do things on his own.  It is a bittersweet thing, seeing him develop enough to start flying solo on something, but experiencing the rejection when I offer my help. I know I have touched on this before, but it becomes more apparent everyday that if I am really doing my job well, Kieran will need me less and less; yet, his need for me in other ways will grow. Hopefully, he will come to me for advice, for emotional support, and lean on me as someone who will always pray for him. For now, snuggle time is over when I say it's over! ;)

P.S. Kieran's most recent I-can-do-it-myself moment has been at mealtime--sometimes, he won't eat from a spoon unless I put the spoon in his hand first and help him get the spoon to his mouth. What a goober!

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Six

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Source: marcofolio.net via Sabrina on Pinterest

52.  The way that God made my body to be able to sustain my child. For nine months, he was kept warm and fed inside of me, and then came the more difficult task of keeping him warm and fed outside in the world. Life flowing into life...one sustained by the other. 

"But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us" (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Five

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

51.  Coming home to the twinkle in this little guy's eye. Jordan and I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Dubuque for our anniversary. It was our first time leaving Kieran overnight, and, while we both had a lot of fun together and enjoyed just being the two of us again, it was so much fun seeing the look on his face when he saw Mom and Dad were home. Warms this mom's heart, that's for sure.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Four

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

50: The man who started it all...and the man I hope my son will strive to be like. Six years ago today, I walked down the isle to meet this imperfect man who was and is the perfect answer to my prayers. I stumbled upon this e-mail I wrote for reasons unknown to me now. It may not all make sense anymore, but it shows some of where we started.

All because two people fell in love.

Beloved, 

I know that I could tell you this in person--or over the phone--but I suppose that I am reverting to old habits.  In case you have not noticed (which would be almost impossible), I have been a little more touchy lately (for a myriad of reasons). I already apologized for it, but I want to explain to you why I felt it so necessary to apologize. 

I am not making excuses, although we are all allowed our "off days". I view being "chipper", excitable, happy, joyful, outgoing, etc. as one of the greatest gifts God has given me and uses through me. I absolutely love cheering people up and encouraging them and just helping to make their day a little bit brighter in any way I can. And just because I can share with you all of me and all that I'm feeling does not mean that I want to expend all of that time and energy on everyone else, and give you what's left over. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

And I want to become what you need me to be. I am not asking you to say, "It's okay" or, "I understand"; I just want you to see that I am trying to catch the little things that come up now that might be bigger later, when we are more intimate and spend more time together. I want to be your encourager. Jordan, it almost makes me cry because I think that that is and will be one of my greatest joys in life--one of God's purposes for me. I still want to tell you about my day, to let you know if I am bummed, and to cry on your shoulder if needed. Doesn't 'encourage' mean "to inspire courage"? I hope that as the years go by, you will always feel like you can call me or come home to me and draw strength and courage from me. Yes, you are my husband and my leader...and you will be as Christ to me. But as the Church does in Christ, I want to delight in you and bring honor to you and lift you up, that you might find joy--not necessarily in me, but as a result of God's work through me. 

As March 24th draws nearer (five months from next Tuesday!), I am thinking on these things more and more. And, I promise you, while I know we will have a lovely wedding and I am excited for that, I am infinitely more excited to become your wife--even if that does include becoming your dishwasher! ;o)  You are the biggest blessing in my life, and there is no greater man than you, in my estimation. Yes, there are great men in this world...but they are not you. So, perhaps this is more sappy and serious than you would like, but sometimes, I really do feel as though I might explode if I cannot tell you or show you how much I love you and adore you and how very special you are. 

I hope that you are having a great day, and, as always, I will strive to keep you before the throne of grace. 

Because He first loved me,

Sabrina

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Three

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

49. Looking to Jesus as the ultimate example of manhood. I read a post from Ann's blog today that really impacted me. "Unless a man looks to Jesus, a man doesn't know how to treat a woman. ...The culture of boys will be boys — means girls will be garbage and you were made for more than this, Son. Your Dad and I believe boys will be godly and boys will be honoring and boys will be humble."

What a huge responsibility we have to raise our son to understand true manhood for what it is. As she says in this post, "[Your father has] made his life about showing you what real leadership is: not climbing higher towards power and status, but bending down in prayer and service. He’s been dead to all ladders and that’s what made him so alive — reaching down, to the lonely, the lost, and the least."

I cannot just assume that this little man will one day grow into a big man of integrity--one who continually puts others before himself and gives cheerfully and stands for truth and protects the wounded and lifts up the fallen and loves those the world considers unlovely and stands in awe of the One who showed us that manhood and servanthood should be synonymous. And so, I pray that he will understand this:

My child, never forget the things I have taught you.

Store my commands in your heart.

If you do this, you will live many years,

and your life will be satisfying.

Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!

Tie them around your neck as a reminder.

Write them deep within your heart.

Then you will find favor with both God and people,

and you will earn a good reputation.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take.

Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.

Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

Then you will have healing for your body

and strength for your bones.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-Two

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

48.  Being part of a family. While I don't hold it against my parents, I come from a divorced family. I grew up with two families--two cultures, even. I had my Midwest American family with my mother, stepfather, and brother and my more international family, if you will, with my father, stepmother, and sister. I learned early on (my parents divorced when I was two) to be pretty calm with being away from home because, no matter where I was, I was always missing someone.

In January, I wrote about my homesickness in being away from Jordan even though I was with Kieran. At the time, I thought that was some kind of emotional weakness (getting soft in my old age?). I have realized that it is because I have my own family now. I don't know if you can appreciate that fact in the same way if you have always had that family togetherness that I did not. But now I do! It is an amazing gift that I will never take for granted, and I pray that I can trust God to continue to hold our little family together--because I know that it is not dependent on me (thank goodness!).

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty-One

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

47.  Finding that motherhood pays in big, blue-eyed stares and snuggles and giggles and smiles. I've often seen the figures floating around that for all the work a mother does, she should theoretically make over 100,000 dollars a year. At the end of my life, I won't be thinking back on my money, I will be thinking back on the lives we "created" and invested in.

The servant-hearted never serve alone. Spend the whole of your one wild and beautiful life investing in many lives, and God simply will not be outdone. God extravagantly pays back everything we give away and exactly in the currency that is not of this world but the one we yearn for:  Joy in Him.

A Month of Gifts: Day Twenty

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

46.  Silliness. Let's all take a break from being adults for just a second and pretend to be a dinosaur, play a game of indoor tag, or read a book upside down. Of course, you don't need my permission. :)

A Month of Gifts: Day Nineteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

45.  Finding the strength to not grow weary in doing good. What I wouldn't do for that face! And, while I would not trade it for anything, that face does not always give me smiles, does not always do what I say, and so, what I do, does not always seem to have a reward. Sometimes, I just want to take the easy way out (and sometimes I do). Most of the time, I want someone to notice all that I have accomplished--with a mobile infant, no less!

When service is unto people, the bones can grow weary, the frustration deep. Because, agrees Dorothy Sayers, 'whenever man is made the centre of things, he becomes the storm-centre of trouble. The moment you think of serving people, you begin to have a notion that other people owe you something for your pains.... You will begin to bargain for reward, to angle for applause.'

When the laundry is for the dozen arms of children or the dozen legs, it's true, I think I'm due some appreciation. So comes a storm of trouble and lightning strikes joy. But when Christ is the center, when dishes, laundry, work, is my song of thanks to Him, joy rains. Passionately serving Christ alone makes us the loving servant to all. When the eyes of the heart focus on God, and the hands on always washing the feet of Jesus alone--the bones, they sing joy, and the work returns to its purist state:  eucharisteo  [being thankful]. The work becomes worship, a liturgy of thankfulness.

'The work we do is only our love for Jesus in action,' writes Mother Teresa. 'If we pray the work ...if we do it to Jesus, if we do it for Jesus, if we do it with Jesus.... That's what makes us content.' 

While I want to lay my life down for my son, I can only show him true servanthood when, in everything, I lay my life down for the Son.

A Month of Gifts--Day Eighteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Source: debsanestingplace.blogspot.com via Sabrina on Pinterest

44.  Finding joy in letting go of the mess. Whether that mess is the never ending pile of laundry to be folded, the Cheerios hiding in the corners of the floor, the diaper pail ready to be taken out, or something less obvious like trying to figure out why your child has suddenly decided to get up at five in the morning after all these months, letting go is a crucial but difficult task. I just cannot control everything, and--let's face it--I don't think that anyone wants me to. When I stop obsessing over having things my way, I can stop and enjoy the everyday curve balls that life throws my way.

Ann says it a little more eloquently than I:

Joy is a flame that glimmers only in the palm of the open and humble hand. In an open and humble palm, released and surrendered to receive, light dances, flickers happy. The moment the hand is clenched tight, fingers all pointing toward self and rights and demands, joy is snuffed out. Anger is the lid that suffocates joy until she lies limp and lifeless. ...The demanding of my own will is the singular force that smothers out my joy--nothing else.

Pride, mine--that beast that pulls on the mask of anger--this is what snaps this hand shut, crushes joy. ...'Pride slays thanksgiving. ...A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.' Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with  no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement--expectations--is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy?

And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives. God does not give rights but imparts responsibilities--response-abilities--inviting us to respond to His love-gifts. 

A Month of Gifts: Day Seventeen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

43.  Seeing life through a different perspective. People are big. Dad is a giant. I can't get through that door, on top of that couch, or over that gate. An empty water bottle is my new favorite toy. When you walk out of the room, I can't see you anymore...and I just realized that means I'm all alone. When you pick me up, all of the sudden I can reach things I couldn't reach before--how exciting!

Life is tough when you're small, but it is a gift to be able to get down on a child's level and see life through their eyes. As Ann says:

I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves one above the other, and that the taller we grew in Christian character the easier we should reach them. I find now that God's gifts are on shelves one beneath the other, and that it is not a question of growing taller but of stooping lower, and that we have to go down, always down to get His best gifts.

To receive God's gifts, to live exalted and joy filled, isn't a function of straining higher, harder, doing more, carrying long the burdens of the super-Pharisees or ultra-saints. Receiving God's gifts is a gentle, simple movement of stooping lower.

A Month of Gifts: Day Sixteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

41.  Spinach beards.

42.  Realizing how quickly time passes by. When Kieran and I visited my family in Florida, I was so sad that they had missed out on over nine months of his life. Lately, I have been finding myself stopping in the middle of doing something "important" to go run and get down on the floor to play with my baby. I don't have many more days left of this stage, and I have to make memories while I can.

A Month of Gifts: Day Fifteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

39.  Thirty-nine weeks and six days. I posted this picture on Facebook when he hit what was, to me, a pretty big milestone. I was so thrilled when Kieran arrived at the day where his age matched the amount of days I was pregnant with him. I imagine how he changed from a tiny seedling into a squalling, eight-pound two-ounce baby boy; then I witnessed the huge transformation from my tiny helpless infant into a little boy with a mind and will of his own--still so dependent on us, but already wanting to do things on his own, figure them out on his own, and experience them for himself.

40.  Watching my little boy find his voice. I get such a kick out of hearing the different voices he uses. And when he gets all hyped up and really starts talking, I have never seen anything more entertaining in my life. :)

A Month of Gifts: Day Fourteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

37.  Bundling up on a cold winter's day.

38.  Seeing Christmas as a child again. Even though Kieran was too young to understand anything that was going on at Christmas at a week shy of nine months old, I was excited for him. He gave me that ambition to make our home cozier and more Christmas-y. I love that we have the opportunity to start our own family traditions. I want him to have warm memories of family get-togethers, funny memories of things that don't go exactly as planned, and poignant memories of being saturated in the story of the birth of our Savior.

A Month of Gifts: Day Thirteen

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

35.  Little-boy dress clothes. When I was pregnant and looking for baby clothes, I was so frustrated with how few neutral clothes I could find. Once Kieran was born and I knew I had a boy, I was frustrated with how baby girl clothes seemed to take up two-thirds of the section. But I love them now! Bow ties, vests, jackets, hats--there are so many adorable "little man" clothes out there!

Okay, so this picture has nothing to do with number 36.

36.  Learning more about how my Father loves me...and what a distracted, wayward child I am. Being a parent has given me so much insight into what God's heart longs for me on this earth. It has also helped me to see just how little I give thanks to the One who gave me life and provides me with all I need.

P.S.  Happy birthday to my hubby!

A Month of Gifts: Day Twelve

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

33.  The little man I catch glimpses of every day. Sometimes I find myself stopping and looking at Kieran thinking, "Who is this little boy?" He has a distinct personality all his own, but he also changes every week, and I never know quite what to expect.

34.  Another Iowa State fan in the making!

A Month of Gifts: Day Eleven

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

31.  Being honored as a mother. So many times I think I fail, but my husband tells me over and over again what a great mom I am. Whether I am or not is up for debate, but I love these words of encouragement--they are a balm to an unsure-of-herself mom's soul.

32.  Getting to honor my husband as a father. There is not much else on this earth that can make my heart soar like seeing the look of excitement on Kieran's face when his papa comes home from work. I want so much for him to look up to his dad and want to be like him. I think one of my biggest accomplishments in life would be to raise children who respect, admire, and love Jordan. I think that is a great way for me to love him, too. :)

A Month of Gifts: Day Ten

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

Source: thesilverpen.com via Sabrina on Pinterest

30.  Learning new things every day. Every skill that Kieran has learned he has worked at over and over again until he is an expert! This video is of him trying to crawl around Thanksgiving. By Christmas, he was army crawling; now, he crawls everywhere, but his preferred method is to use whatever he can get his hands on to pull himself up and walk around the room (kind of like how I used to "swim" right next to the edge of the pool). What a cool kid!

A Month of Gifts: Day Nine

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

27.  Chubby cheeks and bulging bellies. Sometimes I wanted my baby to be a tiny baby, so he didn't look older for his age. Around five or six months, he was really chunked out! And, while he has slimmed down quite a bit now, I am so grateful for that healthy appetite. It was one more thing I didn't have to worry about. And just look at those cheeks!

28.  Friendship. I cannot anticipate who Kieran will develop lifelong friendships with. Obviously, he does not even understand the concept yet. But I love that I get to watch him interact with other children his age, and I hope he can find the kind of kindred spirits I have throughout the years.

29.  The pure, unconditional love I feel for this boy.

A Month of Gifts: Day Eight

Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. As Kieran enters the last month of his first year, I decided to list some of the gifts we have celebrated since that wonderful March day as a sort of countdown to his very first birthday:

24.  A wonderful husband and father who is the cornerstone of our family. I love watching my boys play together! Kieran is getting to the age where he loves to wrestle, and no one does it quite as well as Papa does. :)

25.  A personality that surprises me everyday. Who knew that babies have such a complex range of emotions? It is so interesting to watch him when he is serious, curious, angry, sad, happy, and excited. He is a tiny person for sure!

26.  Moments captured in time. Do we have too many pictures? Will I be able to keep this up with my other children some day? Honestly, I don't care. What I have is now, and when I look back at these photos I can see just how quickly time passes by.