It is hard to believe that I have been blogging for almost three years now. I am obviously not a high volume poster; it is not about quantity but about quality, right?
I have been thinking about this post ever since I published my last one. There were so many directions I could go--so many ways I want to commemorate my blogging experience and how my life has changed these many months. As I browsed through my little collection of posts, I was struck by one major thing I have been learning.
I have struggled over and over again with God's will for my life. When I had to leave Kieran for the first time, when we lost our first child, living through floods and moves, and plenty of waiting. Waiting on the right job, the right house, the right timing for our family. I don't know how seriously you have prayed for one specific thing or situation, but I have never wrestled with something so much in prayer than I have with my desire to stay home with Kieran.
Throughout mine and Jordan's dating and engagement years, I felt like God continually answered my prayers in seeking after His timing for our relationship. I always felt at peace about the next step. This time around, I sought that peace time and time again over the past months and, until recently, it has been just out of my reach. I have heard many people say, "I just don't have peace about this," or, "I'm waiting for God to give me peace about this situation." Well, that is not exactly where I ended up on this journey with God.
All this time, I have been searching for peace and resolution for my circumstances: I leave everyday to work eight or more hours at a job I am moderately satisfied with, when I am so convicted that I should be at home, spending that time with my son. Now, I know that not everyone is called to that. Some people are called to a career, but, as of right now, I am not following a specific calling with my job except for trying to reach out to those around me. Anyway, as I brought this time and time again before the Lord, I begged Him to work a miracle of some sorts and clearly open and close doors. I wanted Him to fight for me. I wanted to have a faith that was big enough to let Him.
But the one thing I lacked over all these months was the stillness.
You see, somewhere along the way, the things we desire so much--even the good things--become our idols. They creep up somewhat unsuspectingly, and push God out of that number one place in our hearts. We stop being still and start striving like little children who see something forbidden just out of their reach. And we start to doubt something fundamental: that God is good. Because God can't really be good if He withholds good from me. We just want to rest in these verses from Psalm 84, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
But we are a forgetful people (me especially with my spiritual amnesia), and we forget that those verses rest upon verse 10:
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
Would I really rather sleep at the door of the residence of my God than have everything I want? Comfort? Safety? Things just the way I want them?
A friend at work recently commented that all of "those letters from Paul" were crazy because they just talked about how bad life could be but that his (Paul's) life was worse. I didn't know what to say at the time, but now I would say that Paul was trying to say this, "Christians can take heart in the fact that God does not waste any of the brokenhearted moments of our lives, but He uses them to make us more like His Son. But what a waste to experience sorrow as a result of our sin!"
Yes, things have not changed--on the outside. But things have definitely changed on the inside. I see more clearly my need for a Heavenly Father who knows what I really need. And who knows what my son really needs. I trust that what my son needs most are a mom and dad who are obedient to God. And I recognize that the only way I will truly have peace has less to do with where I am at in this world and more with how I view God as I walk through it. Because better is one day with God as the King of my heart than the rest of my days spent seeking the things that I want. Following Him is always worth it.
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