Heading Toward the Finish Line

Monday, November 4th. Mark it on your calendars.

Well, okay, you don't have to. But I sure have!

I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday, and this is what we decided:  if Baby doesn't come before the fourth of November, I will have a c-section, and we will get to meet our precious little one! If I do go into labor before then, then we will head down to the hospital and evaluate how things are looking and where to proceed from there. Since the main problem last time was that Kieran never dropped down into my pelvis, I am praying that if I do go into labor, this one will have very obviously dropped and engaged. 

While I can't speak for Jordan for sure, I feel such peace about this decision. God is bigger than any struggles I might have during labor. But he also has surrounded me with wise counselors that have much experience in what I am about to go through. He knows exactly what He plans to accomplish, and I feel like such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders as I no longer sway back and forth without direction. He can very obviously work toward one end or guide me toward another, but this life is not my own, and it's a relief to let Him control it.

And the best part of it all? We are so close to that finish line--eleven days or less!

Grace Upon Grace

This song has been running through my head today...I was going to highlight a certain part of the song that really stuck out to me, but, honestly, every single word has spoken to my soul today.

You have ordained every breath we take 

In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake 

Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand 

And sufferings brief carry out Your plan 

And our fleeting sorrows

Will yield an endless prize

When some bright tomorrow 

We’ll see You with our eyes, and

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Grace upon grace flows down, flows down 

Through the precious blood of Christ

Father of lights, Giver of all grace

Your mercies crown our lives all our days 

River of Life, quench our thirsty souls

For no true delight does Your love withhold 

And in every season

We are satisfied

For just one reason

Christ was crucified, and

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

All good gifts, every good thing 

Comes to us freely, so freely 

Through the precious blood 

Through the precious blood

Today, I had the perfect moment of delight when I got to see this:

Scrunched up little forehead, adorable button nose, perfectly chubby cheeks...oh, and that mouth--I'm in love! This is the one I have been dreaming of.

But delight can be bittersweet when gladness is tempered with grief. No, there is no cause for alarm. Baby is growing and active and my womb seems to be the perfect baby motel when it comes to the last trimester. I just don't know how that all works out, what with my being 'a foot shy of 5' 11"', as my doctor said today. :) My ultrasound today was a growth check to see what position the baby is in and its estimated size to help us make a more informed decision. At 37 weeks and one day, Baby measured at 37 weeks and six days, and was estimated to be seven pounds and eight ounces. Whew! Now everyone can see why I am so tired.

The estimation supposedly has a one-pound margin of error, but when Kieran had a growth check at 38 weeks, he was estimated to be seven pounds and 11 ounces--and he came out at eight pounds and two ounces. So...it all seems pretty plausible. Needless to say, the doctor I saw today did not have the encouragement that I wanted to hear. I had never met him before, but everyone at the clinic seems to rave about him. 

He gave me the "if you were my daughter" speech, which outlined what he thought were my chances. If, say, he thought I had an 85 percent chance of a successful labor and delivery, he would consider my one percent chance of uterine rupture to be worth the risk. But since my c-section last time was not due to some sort of emergency but because of a slow progression of labor and Kieran not dropping down like he should, he thought that dropped me down to a 50/50 chance. Add to that the "strike" against me of my stature and the apparent chubbiness of my babies (in Kieran's defense, he was also 21 inches long, which is the longer end of the spectrum that I usually see), and he saw me dropping down to a 25 percent chance of a successful delivery. Comparing that 25 percent chance against that same one percent chance of rupture, he does not see how it would be really worth the risk.

All that aside, he also said he wouldn't be mad at his daughter if she tried anyway. ;)

I have to admit that this was so not the news that I was wanting to hear. It has to be pretty similar to training for a marathon for nine months...and then being told at the last minute that you have been disqualified. How disheartening. I definitely cried once I got into my car--not out of any ungratefulness, but because I had just had one of my very real hopes crushed. I was trying to pour it all out to God as I drove to the mall to run an errand before I went home, but I was having such a hard time pinning down all of my emotions. They all seemed illogical next to the fact that I have a live, healthy baby growing inside of me.

I dropped off my wedding ring to be cleaned while I ran errands, and when I came back, I found a pretty awesome surprise. Not only had the jeweler cleaned my ring, but she re-plated it for me--for free! It is something I have been wanting to do for a long while now but hadn't found a good time to spend the money. She said my ring (which is white gold) was starting to yellow, which was why she did it. I know that it was also pretty scuffed up in general and had a couple really good scratches after six-plus years. It is so beautiful and shiny, and it looks almost like new!!

And as I walked back to my car, I again wanted to cry. God encouraged me at the moment that I needed it and showed me exactly how His grace works in my life. He takes something tarnished and beaten down by the world and covers it with His grace, making it new again. And that is exactly what He did with my perspective. As the song says, "You have ordained every breath we take/In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake/Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand/And sufferings brief carry out Your plan...All good gifts, every good thing/Comes to us freely, so freely."

God has ordained this for my life. I don't know the reason, but then, I'm not always supposed to know, am I?  Yes, there was something I greatly desired that I had asked God for on many occasions. Most likely, I will not get exactly what I asked for. But I also asked that God would protect my baby and cause him or her to grow. And I asked Him to show me how to be the mom s/he needs me to be, as I learn to be a mother of two. And He is working out these things in His own time. 

Time and time again, we will face disappointments in this life and see our lives not taking the path we thought that they would. But time and time again, God will satisfy us in every season.

Grace upon grace.

Walking to the Beat of a New Drum

Hopefully, Baby will be here three weeks from Tuesday. We are getting so close!

In case you can't read the signs, Kieran's says "18 months" and mine "8 months". :)

Once again, my friend, Diane, took some lovely maternity pictures for us.

She shot some 18-month photos for us, as well.

Last year, I posted about waiting for Kieran and how I should be waiting for heaven or for Christ's return with the same level of anticipation, if not more (subsequently, I did go into labor that evening). This week, I have been mulling over how much my perspective changes toward the end of my pregnancy. It becomes so difficult for me to...get as invested in certain things that those around me seem to be occupying themselves with. Part of that is just plain scheduling:  "Can I really say I can go to that event when I might be in the hospital?" But a lot of it has to do with perspective. These mini crises over here just don't seem that important anymore. Someone's complaints about such-and-such just don't affect me the way they used to.

I suppose you start to look at everything through the lens of, "Well, I'm almost done growing a baby here, and that is much more important." This is not to imply that other people don't matter; rather, this part of my pregnancy gives me a chance to see how many nonessential, non-important things tend to take over my days. Those other little things just seem to fall away now that I have this tunnel vision.

This parallels to my thoughts last year, in that, I think that this, too, could apply to my walk with Jesus. What if I had that kind of tunnel vision for the Kingdom? What if I stopped letting the tiny little things that don't matter but that so quickly add up to overwhelm and overtake my life take precedence and allowed my life to be set to the beat of my Master's heart?

I have been struggling a lot lately with feeling inadequately equipped to take care of two little people that God has entrusted me with. And the reason I feel that way is because I am! Time and time again, I fail to take advantage of the tools He has provided me with.

You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands. May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word. ...I will never forget your commandments, for by them you give me life. ...Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. ...How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey.

I am looking forward to spending more time in the Word and in prayer over the next few weeks as I ask God to continue to mold me into the woman I need to be for the tasks that lay before me. If you think of us, could you pray for us, as well? It is kind of scary going into this second birth knowing that we have a 60-70 percent chance of doing this all the normal way. ...Meaning that there is still a 30-40 percent chance that I will have to have another c-section. I tend to feel like all of the pressure is on me to see this thing through, but, truthfully, all the pressure is on God. :) He will accomplish what He will--it is just a matter of me trusting and relying on Him to do the very best thing! 

Don't Cross the Street

His handwriting is impeccable.

I love my boy. He is full of spunk, a love for life, and brings me so much joy. It's so crazy that he is now 18 months old!

I love my boy, but I don't always love what he does. For instance, today we were playing out at Grandma and Grandpa's farm. Several times he tried to run out onto the road, and several times I had to redirect him. I explained to him that he could play anywhere he wanted on this side of the road but he was not to go into the road. Eventually, the temptation would become too much for him, and he would canter in his toddler pitter-patter down to the road, thinking he could outrun me (which, surprisingly, he can't--even with me at eight months pregnant). Feeling like he knew that he was doing something he was specifically asked not to do, I told him that if he went near the road one more time, he would lose his outside time.

Can you guess what he did? :)

Telling this story to Jordan later this evening, I was struck once again by how similar that behavior is to how I respond to my Father. I had said, "Toddlers are like puppies:  they instinctively find boundaries and then spend all their time trying to figure out how to get over, under, or across them, convinced that there must be something better on the other side that you are tragically keeping them from."

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters" (Romans 8:28-29).

How is He trying to lead you...and protect you?

My little teacher. :)

Trails, Trains, and Teachable Moments

Sometimes gifts come wrapped up in pretty packages or in envelopes or brown paper boxes. Sometimes they come in smiles and giggles and that feeling you get when you see your two loves enjoying life together.

Enjoying the tricycle we gave him for his birthday

This little boy loves to be outside! Rocks, sticks, pieces of bark...they are all fascinating to him. He loves the freedom of being able to run anywhere in any direction. It is so hard for me when he cries when we have to take him inside again.

He also loves anything with wheels; in fact, he can say, "truck", "tractor" (sort of), and "car". So, we were super excited to be able to take him on a train ride with grandma and grandpa!

It is an interesting process, watching your baby take off without you. Uphill, downhill, tripping over dips in the ground. It struck me as I was letting him run free the other day that we are a lot alike. When Kieran was nearing an area that I knew was somewhat dangerous for him to venture into, I tried to turn him around. Of course, he dug his heels in and tried to pull back to where he wanted to go. Since my first attempt didn't work, I then picked him up and started to carry him away from the danger. Surprise, surprise...this led to squealing and kicking for me to put him down so he could run back to where he wanted to go. After walking a few yards, I told him, "If you want to enjoy your walk with Mama, then you need to walk where I want you to walk. You'll have a lot more fun if you don't waste your time resisting me."

We had to repeat this process a few more times--whether or not he learned anything is still a mystery to me, but he did enjoy walking with me in between his distractions. I realized that this is exactly what I do with my Daddy. I like to walk with Him when He leads me where I want to go. But I get so easily distracted by the things that I desire that I run ahead of him. It's no surprise that I stumble and fall. And when I cry out to God, I seem surprised that He was right there the whole time. I am the one who let go of His hand. I am the one who thought I saw something better and, like Eve, thought God was withholding something good from me. I am the one who runs back when the thing is not good and says, "God, where were you in that?" And I am the one who so easily forgets the joy of walking with my Father.

Sometimes, I just need a little reminder.