Joy

This weekend, Jordan said something to me right before we were going to sleep that shouldn't have bothered me...yet, it did. I was frustrated with myself for getting worked up over nothing, but at the same time, I felt genuinely offended. So, when I couldn't sleep, I grabbed my Bible, went out into our living room, and read this:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told. In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted, but you have given me an open ear. Burnt offering and sin offering you have not required. Then I said, "Behold, I have come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me: I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O Lord. I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me! For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me. Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me! O Lord, make haste to help me! ...But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, "Great is the Lord!" As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God (Psalm 40).

This chapter in Psalms just broke my heart. I knew that my problem was not between myself and Jordan--not really. It was between me and God. "Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie!" I felt like God was telling me that I need to stop turning to people first. It's a lesson I've learned before but apparently need to learn again--God should always be the One I run to first. He doesn't want my church attendance, my church ministry, volunteer service, good work ethic, gourmet meals, social calendar, or any other "good" thing. He wants my heart.

What do I make of Him or the cross when I run the other direction into the arms of people? As my Daddy, His desire is for me to cry out to Him, to seek His face, to be still and know that He is God. And because He is gracious, He has also placed people in my life that can help me do that and help me find the answers and the comfort that I need. People like Jordan. Like my friends. And my mentors. People who can tell me when I'm wrong even when I don't want to hear it.

Because of this--and because of His wondrous deeds which are incomparable--I should not restrain my lips. I should not cease to tell others about the glad news of His deliverance, faithfulness, and salvation. And even when "my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see", I am held up by his faithful, steadfast love. 

Once again, I learn that I cannot find my joy in the people or the things around me. "But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in You...."