Three Truths for Lasting Love

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

--Ephesians 3:14-20 

Seven years ago, we had this passage recited during our wedding ceremony. When I read these verses again on Sunday, I realized just how well they relate to me and to marriage. There are three main points that ring true and are the key to a lasting relationship:

1. Be united.
   
   
   Just as we see the Father, the Spirit, and Christ dwelling together in perfect unity, so we should strive for that same relationship. They are distinctly different, yet always one. There is complete satisfaction within the relationship--the Creator did not make us because He was lonely, but because He is loving. In the same way, a marriage consists of two people, not two plus the kids or two plus a mother or two plus a best friend. We made a promise to each other that we will not complain to others about our spouse (we should never complain at all, but that is a tough one to overcome), and we always try to discuss the important issues with each other first before we ever share them with a friend or family member.
   
   
   We need to face the future and all its unknowns together, but more than that, we must look to our future with a mutual trust in God. We will never find perfect unity as long as we are on this earth, but the only way we can even come close is if we are both striving to be like Christ and be united with Him. "Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself" (1 Samuel 18:1). This word picture of two souls being knit together, as they were with these best friends that were like brothers, relates so well to what a growing marriage should look like.
   
   
2. Be loving.
   
   
   When I look at my two little boys, sometimes I am overcome with such an overwhelming love for them, that I really don't know how to contain it. But there is always that moment when one displays the ugliness of his sinful heart (and he is a product of me!), and I am not awash with mushy, sentimental feelings--no, I do not like this little person right now. ...Do I love him still? Of course! Love should never be contingent on another's actions or behaviors.
   
   
   But even my fierce mama love cannot compare to the love of Christ; "it is too great to understand fully." His love is strong. His love makes us complete. It is empowering. It is something we can cling to in the darkest of times. It is multi-dimensional. It is unconditional. If you want to love your spouse, seek to love like Christ. Because He is the only example of true, selfless love that we can ever hope to imitate.
   
   
3. Be in prayer and in the Word.
   
   
   I fail at this. All. The. Time.
   
   
   But I cannot overstate the fact that if you want a relationship that lasts, then you are not going to find the answers in books or talk shows or from The Huffington Post. The answers are in God's words to us--and not just passages like Ephesians 5. The whole Bible is given to us so that we might know how to live and how to love. "'Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?' Jesus replied, '"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: "Love your neighbor as yourself." The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments'" (Matthew 22:36-40).
   
   So simple; yet, so unattainable for our faithless hearts. How is it that we need help just to love the God who made us? In the same way, I desperately need God to transform my heart into one that is loyal to my husband. One that loves even when it does not feel loved. One that does not cower and wither and shut itself up when hurt. One that loves and loves and then loves more, even when there is nothing left to give. One that dips into the reserves of love and grace an mercy found at the cross and finds that there is always a way for love to conquer sin and suffering and even death.

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners" (Romans 5:6-8).

Expectations

Everyday I expect certain things to happen. When I wake up and push the handle on my faucet, I expect water to come out. When I put my key in the ignition and turn it, I expect my car to start. I also have expectations of the people around me (like expecting my husband to take out the trash--wink, wink).

The danger, however, is when I start demanding what was expected of those in my life. Or when I expect things to go wrong, and waste my time worrying about them.

We spent several days this month with my dad's family in Florida, who we really only get to see once a year. Growing up, I always set high expectations on our time together, since we didn't get to see each other everyday. I would try to be on my best behavior, and I set out to never make any waves. I wanted things to be peaceful and to make everyone happy. Fast forward to my adult life and the fact that I now have a family of my own, and things haven't completely changed. Only, this time I am praying that we can handle our two boys flying on our laps when we have to get up before the crack of dawn to leave, and, oh, please, please let them sleep while we are there, and I sure hope nothing too valuable gets broken in a house that has not been toddler-proofed.

And there was my first mistake--I kept slipping into worry and anxiety.

I've always loved this quote from Anne of Green Gables. It ties right in with Matthew 6:34, "So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." I would say that I'm pretty optimistic, but sometimes I'm afraid to assume something will go well, so, in trying to be realistic, I swing the opposite way and set my expectations low. What a waste of my time and energy! How much more enjoyable my time would be if I remember to look forward to the good things ahead and expect the best of things. And how detrimental the sin of worry is to my silly heart.

My second mistake was getting so caught up in the less important details of schedules and in all of the "what ifs" that I forgot to focus on the relationships. What I should have been doing was preparing my heart for our visit and asking God to help me to be a blessing to my family. Sometimes I struggle with how much my family and I are not involved in each other's lives. Oftentimes, I have expectations I set up for them that are not met, and my emotions come crashing down when they are not met. And now that my family members are grandparents and aunts and uncles, I feel similarly (if not more strongly) on my children's behalf.

How unfair I am.

How many times do I fail to meet up to others' ideals for me and am shown grace over and over again? How many times have I hoped or wanted or demanded someone to say or do certain things but never actually communicated these expectations to them? How many times have I held someone up to a standard that I myself am not meeting?

Once again, I am reminded that I need to adopt the mantra of "an attitude of gratitude". I am so thankful for the family I have been placed in and how they love me and my little family. I am so thankful for all I have learned through all the ways we function and dysfunction. And I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father and brothers and sisters in Christ in the amazing family of God. We cannot expect our relationships to fill what is lacking in our lives--only Jesus can do that.

So appreciate what you have. And if you're struggling, give it over to the One who "is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).

Kieran-isms

This boy is seriously the best. He may not be the smartest or the fastest or even the kindest, but he is the best first baby I could ask for. He is quite the articulate little fellow, and his vocabulary has just exploded. I wish I could record everything he says because, really, it's the intonation that kills me. Why is it that at least two-thirds of what they say sounds like a question?

Anyway, without further ado, here are some of my favorite things that Kieran says:

• "Wias?" [Elias]
• "Hi-ya!"
• "Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy!"
• "Sweet" Whenever he kisses his brother, I say, "Sweet." Now, he does, too.
• "Oh, Toooooooooodahs!" [Oh, Toodles!] Although he doesn't watch it much, this is something he's picked up from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
• "Meh-moi?" [More?] He can say, "more," but when he gets really excited, this is how it comes out.
• "Appee-shawsh" [Applesauce]
• "Iss dahk in heah!" [It's dark in here.]
• "Wiggy wiggy!" I have no idea where this came from. He can say, "tickle," but he says this, too, when he tickles Elias.
• "Dip it?" The boy loves ketchup.
• "Cute" This one is used to describe himself. :)

This might have to become a semi-regular post, as I know there are much more than this. He has a long list of animals and can differentiate between cars, trucks, tractors, bulldozers, and dump trucks. He is learning to count (sort of), and he can name many of his friends. ...And I have a sneaking suspicion that he has learned my name.

Three Months

Our littlest man is three months old today!

In some ways he is still so tiny.

But in so many others he has grown and grown.

 Elias is definitely Kieran's little brother, but he is becoming his own person more and more everyday.

Kieran's three-month photo on the left and Elias' on the right

Love my boys!

And So We Learn

A friend recently asked me to reflect on what God taught me in 2013.

That's a rather large undertaking.

I mean, it was quite the eventful year for us:  we celebrated our son's first birthday, we found out we were pregnant again, we moved (not far), we added another boy to our brood, and I quit my job to stay home with our two kiddos.

So, it's no surprise that the overarching theme of 2013 for me was the call to trust. I struggled with not knowing the outcome of this pregnancy. I struggled with the decision of how our baby would be born. I struggled with the desire to stay home.

Source

At the beginning of last year, I wrote this:

You see, somewhere along the way, the things we desire so much--even the good things--become our idols. They creep up somewhat unsuspectingly, and push God out of that number one place in our hearts. We stop being still and start striving like little children who see something forbidden just out of their reach. And we start to doubt something fundamental:  that God is good. Because God can't really be good if He withholds good from me.

It is so easy to confuse what I think is best with what God's best for me is. But being at home with the littles has only shed more light on how selfish I am--how I long for peaceful circumstances and tend to take the easy road. All of these things--trust, idolatry, selfishness--they are all the same lesson needing to be learned and relearned.

Some friends of ours just returned from a mission trip to Honduras, and they were amazed that the people there were so joyful in the midst of their poverty. Though they were living in mud huts with tin roofs and four or five to a bed, they were rich in so many other things. Our friends remarked that it seemed that we Americans have surrounded ourselves with things that rob us of our joy and the necessity to trust God. As we look at possibly (finally!) buying a house this year, I can't help but examine my heart in this process. And when I take a closer look, it's not that pretty. "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27). I want to trust God with this search for a home for our family; yet, my heart wants to find a nice house, get a good deal on it, and have it located within my comfort zone.

Would it matter if my house is spacious and beautiful but the people within it are angry and bitter? Would it matter if we saved money only to spend it all on things to fill the house but not hearts? While I do need to trust God to lead us to the right house, I need to be petitioning God daily to help us set up the right home. I need to ask Him to change my heart and help me to choose to do the hard things with my children that will build a lasting foundation in their lives. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the struggles of trusting God with the urgent matters in our lives that need answers and forget to entrust the entirety of our lives to him. This week, I was praying for my son as he repeatedly threw up while battling a 24-hour flu bug. But do I pray daily for him to see the light of Christ? Do I pray for him to have a soft heart toward discipline and authority and have a teachable spirit? At lunch, we prayed that God would keep Daddy safe and protect him from the cold. But do I regularly pray that God would grow my husband as a father and lead our family through him?

Maybe part of growing up is learning that life is full of moments of surrender to God. It's not just a one-time decision of dedication. It's not just asking Him to handle the big events in our lives. 

Source

Like the name of this blog, it is the little things in life--the common, everyday, I'm-struggling-just-to-brush-my-teeth-before-I-fall-into-bed moments--that make up a life. And so, I think that this year, it's time to dig a little deeper and trust God more in the everyday.