Somewhere in the Middle

Last week, I had one day where I pretty much fell apart.

Even when I was struggling with a newborn and a young toddler, I never felt like I had a day like this. I was dealing with one really grumpy baby (Honestly, I can't even remember the reason anymore--teething, maybe?), one increasingly grumpy toddler who wanted more attention than what the baby was taking away from him, and no afternoon naps.

When my husband came home, he was frustrated with me about some miscommunication that we had had, and, for some reason, that was the last straw for this overwrought mama. I felt like an all-out failure, but at the same time, I was offended that this should all seem like my fault. I just couldn't let things go, and after a couple of hours my frustration and anger went from simmering to boiling over. And I--a woman who usually thinks of herself as easy-going and laid-back--yelled at my family.

Oh, it kills me just to put that in writing.

I really felt like I needed to get out of the house, but when my husband (bless his soul) suggested that I stay and talk it out, I burst out with something to the effect of, "Why?!" Then, pointing to each family member in turn, I exclaimed, "You don't like me! You don't like me!! And you don't like me!!!" Believe me, I regretted it as soon as my little rant was over. I eventually apologized to the people I love most in the world and was able to put it aside for awhile, but at the end of the evening, I was just racked with guilt.

"I hate myself," I told my husband. We talked about how the day went. We talked about how, in the span of a few short hours, I felt like I had become the parent that I never wanted to be. But it wasn't until I opened up my Bible that I really understood why I could not let this go. I knew I needed to read Psalm 51, so that's where I and all of my emotional turbulence turned.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight....

The reason I couldn't get past what had happened was not because I had become "that mom."

It was because I had become God.

In that moment, I had decided that what I wanted and felt I needed were more important than anything or anyone else. I chose not to live out Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law." 

Instead of choosing love of my family, I chose love of myself.

Instead of choosing joy in my circumstances, I chose despair.

Instead of choosing peace, I chose strife.

Instead of choosing patience, I chose short-temperedness.

Instead of choosing kindness and goodness, I chose anger.

Instead of choosing gentleness, I chose harsh words.

Instead of choosing faithfulness and self-control, I chose to give into my desires.

There I laid, on my bed, condemned as a wife and a mother--a failure as a child of God. But God reminded me--and reminds me still--that I am, in fact, not condemned but forgiven and loved. I am not--you are not--a lost cause. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

A friend recently shared an article that really helped me to put all of my thoughts into words:
The next time you’re tempted to say “I hate myself” because of the lingering sin in your life, take a deep breath, regroup, read Psalm 139, and get back in the game. “The righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity” (Proverbs 24:16). The righteous fall. Falling is not the defining issue. The wicked listen to the accuser (Revelation 12:10) and don’t get back up. The righteous get back up.

Oftentimes, it's how we deal with our failures and shortcomings that defines us. It is just heart-wrenching to know that what you have said and done cannot be unsaid or undone. And I, for one, can begin to hate myself as I see myself branded by one moment in time. As Paul so eloquently said, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate" (Romans 7:15).

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Through it all, the amazing truth is that God's love never fails and never gives up on us. Rather than being branded by our ugliest moments, we are branded as God's own. Instead of finding ourselves weighed down by our failures, we find grace springing up from an unending Source. We find that His mercies are indeed new every morning.

Okay, so I am very loosely tying in this photograph with the idea of "grace springing up." ;)


A Few of My Favorite Things

Normally, when I go shopping--especially when I go grocery shopping--I'm all about looking for the best price. How much does each item cost per ounce? Of course, I know better than to just buy the cheapest white bread or spaghetti sauce I can find (plus, I find myself making my own more often than not!). But there are times when you really do have to pull out a few extra pennies to get the higher quality items. Here are a few of my more recent favorites:

Raw and Unfiltered Honey

You can find this at Walmart or even on Amazon. Now, I am not a huge health nut, but I also don't like that honey is marketed as "good for you", but then we are sold a version of it that has many of the benefits removed. Moreover, I truly think that the taste is far better. It is nowhere near as cheap as the generic brands; however, at least this way you are actually getting what you payed for.

Cottage Cheese with Sea Salt

This stuff is AMAZING. I only let myself buy it every other trip to the grocery store because I am afraid that I will become addicted to it. If you don't have AE in your area, I am most sympathetic to your plight. Now, just so you don't think I'm biased, I used to buy the generic kinds and found that I liked our local grocery store's version. I also tried the Simply Kraft cottage cheese, and I thought it was just terrible. I may have been justified, since over a million containers were recently recalled. Not only does my pick taste better, but it has fewer ingredients. Oh, and the best part? "Each 1/2 c. serving is packed with 12 grams of protein, low in fat, calories and carbohydrates and gluten-free."

Mom's Best Natural Cereals

I know people who say that cereal is bad and overprocessed and over-sugared and have completely cut it out of their diets. And, while there are some that are more like milk-drenched candy (sorry, Reese's Puffs), I have completely fallen in love with this brand ever since I found their oatmeal flavors back when I would work early mornings (They have an oatmeal raisin cookie, people!). I only wish that my grocery store sold even more of their varieties--the blueberry pomegranate is my absolute favorite, and it has been sold out the last three times I have gone. Le sigh. They really are an amazing company. "Free of artificial flavors or preservatives. No hydrogenated oils. No high fructose corn syrup." Plus, they are very environmentally conscious and super affordable (Who can afford name-brand Cheerios these days?).

Pure Cane Sugar (minimally processed)

It seems like right now so many people I know are cutting out sugar from their diets and replacing it with sweeteners such as pure maple syrup, honey, and agave nectar. I was really excited when I stumbled upon Zulka Morena pure cane sugar--and super excited to find that it is only fractionally more expensive than most refined sugars. For me, this is a happy medium, as this is not an issue in our household, but, as with the honey, I would like the product to be closer to how it was meant to be.

All of this talk probably makes us sound like a super "crunchy" family--far from it! I am, however, trying to be smarter in my choices and find us products that help our family to eat delicious foods and provide the fuel our bodies need. 

Do you have any favorite finds you've stumbled upon recently?


Recipe Ready: All-American Berry Pie

How lucky are you that you get another food post?

This weekend we celebrated Independence Day with family, a parade, and lots of food. I had found this no-bake sour cream berry pie on the Country Cleaver blog, and, after trying it once, I thought that all it needed were some tasty blueberries to make this the perfect red-white-and-blue addition to our Fourth!

This recipe is completely not my own (except the blueberries and the crust), but it is completely delicious; therefore, I would be a terrible, terrible person if I did not share this with you.


For the graham cracker crust:
1 sleeve of Graham Crackers (equal to about 1 1/2 cups, crushed)
6 tbsp Butter, melted
1/4 -1/3 cup Sugar (depending on taste)
1/2 tsp Cinnamon
For the filling:
3 cups Strawberries, hulled and quartered
1 cup Raspberries, rinsed and dried
1 cup Blueberries, rinsed and dried
1 cup Sour Cream
1 8oz. package Cream Cheese, softened
1/2 tsp Vanilla
1/4 cup Sugar
1 tsp Orange Zest
1/4 cup Orange Marmalade, warmed


Combine graham crackers, sugar, cinnamon, and melted butter in a food processor and pulse until well combined. Alternatively, using a rolling pin, crush crackers in a Ziploc bag. In a small bowl, combine cracker crumbs, sugar, and cinnamon. Add melted butter and mix until well combined. Press the graham cracker mixture into a pie pan, making sure the bottom and sides are evenly covered. Chill in the refrigerator for at least one hour.
With a mixer, whisk together sour cream and cream cheese until smooth. Add in sugar, vanilla and orange zest. Pour into the pie crust. Top the mixture with the berries. Place pie in the fridge until ready to eat, at least two hours, or, better yet, overnight.
When ready to serve, warm marmalade in a small dish in the microwave and brush or drizzle over the top of the berries for a tart kick. Slice and serve.
What a wonderfully patriotic dish (And if you still need a little chocolate in your weekend, why not round it out with these gooey Skillet S'mores?). I hope you all had a wonderful weekend celebrating our hard-fought freedoms in this amazing, albeit a little crazy, country that we live in!

The youngest and oldest members of our family gathering this weekend. Heart-melter. :)
So thankful for our own veteran!

P.S. Notice the uncle-and-nephew photobomb combination in the back there? ;)


Recipe Ready: Lasagna Roll-Ups

I thought I'd take a break from all the mom-oriented posts I've had and let you in on what was for dinner tonight. I have been loving trying some new recipes lately, like these ultimate double chocolate brownies, this chicken pot pie crumble, and these amazing shredded beef enchiladas. On Mondays, we have gotten into a habit of having pasta because the weekend (which should be relaxing) with all its craziness has hampered my brain way too much to be able to really think about making dinner.

Tonight, I thought I would switch it up by trying out these little guys:

Originally entitled "Pepperoni Pizza Lasagna Rolls," I thought I could improve on them a little bit. As written, the recipe is supposed to make the tomatoes and the cheese stand out and be more reminiscent of a pizza. But I love meals that have everything I need right in them--and I love traditional lasagna--so I wanted to get some vegetables in there and really make the sauce shine.

Because I have small children, there was no way I was going to be able to take pictures of the process (because I was running back and forth from room to room) or of the finished product (because when they are hungry, they get hangry). But that's okay because it's straightforward, if not a little time consuming. The ingredients in italics are my additions or substitutions.

Lasagna Roll-ups


For the Sauce:

  • 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
  • 1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1/2 of a medium yellow onion, finely diced 
  • 1/2 of a large red bell pepper, diced
  • 2 small zucchini, chopped
  • 28 ounce can diced tomatoes
  • 8 ounces tomato sauce, Italian style
  • 1 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/2 teaspoon sugar
  • pinch of red pepper flakes
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/2 lb. ground beef, browned and crumbled

For the Lasagna Rolls

  • 10 traditional lasagna noodles, cooked, drained and rinsed with cold water
  • 1 egg, lightly beaten
  • 15 ounces part-skim ricotta cheese
  • 8 ounce block of mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
  • 1/4 teaspoon pepper
  • 3 ounces sliced pepperoni (50-60 slices)


For the Sauce:

  1. In a large pan over medium-low heat, heat the butter and olive oil until the butter is melted. Add the onion and red bell pepper and saute until tender, about five minutes. Add in the zucchini and garlic and saute until zucchini is browned. Stir in tomatoes, tomato sauce, basil, oregano, sugar, and red pepper flakes. Bring the sauce to a boil and then reduce heat to low. Place a cover on the pan, tilted slightly to let some steam out.
  2. Simmer for 15 minutes. Cool slightly. With an immersion blender, CAREFULLY blend until sauce has desired texture. If you like it really smooth you can also throw it in a blender or food processor. Add the ground beef and set aside (store in fridge unless using immediately). 
For the Lasagna Rolls:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Cook noodles according to directions on package -- once cooked, drain and rinse with cold water and lay out on sheets of wax paper so they don’t stick together.
  2. Spray a baking dish with nonstick cooking spray and spread 1/2 - 1 cup of sauce into the bottom of the pan. Set aside.
  3. Meanwhile, prepare filling in a large bowl by mixing beaten egg, ricotta cheese, 1 cup mozzarella,  Parmesan cheese, parsley and pepper until well combined.
  4. To prepare lasagna rolls, lay out one lasagna noodle and spread it with about 2 tablespoons of cheese filling. Lay out 5-6 pepperoni on top of cheese filling. Roll up each noodle starting at one of the short ends. Place in prepared baking dish, seam side down. Repeat until all noodles have been filed and rolled. If you have any filling leftover, spoon it out onto each lasagna roll. Pour remaining sauce over the rolls and top with the remaining shredded cheese.
  5. Cover baking dish with foil and bake for 45-50 minutes (remove foil for last 10-15 minutes) or until hot and cheese is melted. Let stand about 10 minutes prior to serving.
Note: May be prepared in advance and baked the next day.
We served ours with crusty garlic bread, and it was, as my two-year-old would say, "de-WISH-us!" The zucchini really brightened up the dish and became the star of the show. *Side Note* I don't know what it is about sauces, but my toddler just eats around the chunks, and I really can't blame him--I didn't eat salsa for years because of that very same thing. Pureeing the sauce allowed him to eat all his veggies without even knowing it. ;)

So, if you're looking for something new for pasta night, this might be right up your alley. 


We're Both Mothers

It's been exactly one month since I blogged. I get stuck sometimes when I have a post in my head but my 
mind is just all over the place and I can't get any cohesive thoughts down. Yesterday, I stumbled across this blogger's post, "A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa," and it really resonated with what I have been thinking about.

I have been a "SAHM" for over six months. One of my friends told me that it took her about six months to adjust to having two kids; well, I think it has taken me seven months to adjust to having two kids and being home with them all of the time. At around two months, we started venturing out into the world on our own (sans hubby) and we fell into a rhythm around that time, too. But it is only recently that I was able to stop focusing on just taking care of everyone else and start taking care of me. I am slowly learning that I cannot be the mom that I need to be if I am not spiritually, mentally, and physically prepared to lead them and guide them as challenges arise.
[Stay-At-Home-Mom], I know that you are misunderstood by so many who do not appreciate the difficulties of caring for small children on your own, all day, and refer to you as joining the “latte set”. They imagine you spend your day sipping coffee while your children play quietly. I know you miss your financial independence. I know you feel amused and sometimes annoyed when others proclaim “TGIF!” because to you every day is the same – there is no Friday, no break from your job. I know that many people do not understand that you work – you simply work an unpaid job at home.

But before I became a stay-at-home mom, I had the experience of leaving my baby behind as I went to work at my full-time job. We were blessed to not have to put Kieran in day care, but for about a year and a half, we took turns watching him and shuttling him between family and friends.
[Working Mom], I know you weigh up every job to see if it will suit your family. I know you wake up an hour before everyone else does, just so you can get some exercise done or some quiet time. I know that you have attended meetings after being up all night with your toddler. I know that when you come home in the evening, your “second shift” begins. The nay-sayers don’t understand that you run a household AND hold a job. You come home, cook dinner, bathe your children and read them stories. You tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. You pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishes, just like every other mother does. 
These choices are rarely easy. I am so glad that I have lived at both ends of this spectrum because I respect both of these groups of women immensely. I used to be jealous of my SAHM friends, and now I sometimes find myself envious of my working mom friends. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? Rather than focusing on the one "right way" moms should be raising children, we should be supporting each other and helping moms to make the decisions that are best for their families.

Before venturing into this unknown territory, I had no idea that being a stay-at-home parent oftentimes means being a single parent. I make so many moment-by-moment decisions concerning the discipline, safety, and education of my children without my husband. And even though I know we are a team, it can sometimes feel more like a battle where I am catching all the heavy fire. ...Yet, I also get the most hugs, the most kisses, and the most grins and belly laughs. I often hear the first new word, see the first new skill, and see the expressions of joy at trying something for the first time.

Being a stay-at-home mom isn't always easy.
SAHM, I don’t know how you do it. I admire your infinite patience, your ability to face each day cheerfully and bring joy into your children’s lives even when they wear you down. I admire your dedication to being a constant presence in your children’s lives even if it isn’t always easy. I admire the way you work without expecting any reward – no promotions, no fame, no salary. I know you want your children to feel important and loved, and SAHM, you do this the best. 
Being a working mom isn't always easy.
[Working Mom], I know that sometimes you feel guilty about not being there all the time. But WM, I know this. You are setting a wonderful example to your children. You are showing them that a woman can have a career, contribute in some way outside the home, and still be a loving mother. You are showing your daughters that they can do anything they want to do in life. You are displaying strength, endurance, dedication, tenacity, and you do it with so much joy and love.
But we're both mothers.

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.