A Letter to Myself: "On Your Wedding Day"

I have seen these "letters to myself" floating around recently and I thought I might try my hand at it. You have to know that I used to write letters to God and apology letters to my parents, so writing one to myself is not so far-fetched. :)

Dear Almost-Married Self,

I can see you there, you know, sitting on the steps leading up to the stage in the church auditorium. You are the first one in the building, soaking in the silence and the awe of God's presence on this day—a day that is seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, yet, a day that is so sacred because of the huge step of obedience and faith that is about to be taken. I hear your prayers and praises whispered up to the One you trust to hold your marriage together and mold you into the wife you want to be. And you are amazed by how peaceful you feel on this day—that God has allowed you to let go of everything and just experience the day He has given you.

But, here's the thing:  even if you have the perfect day (and it will be almost perfect), you are not perfect. Your husband-to-be is not perfect. What has come before and what is still to come is not and will not be perfect.

So keep letting go.

Let go of any ambitions you have of being the perfect wife:  always looking spectacular, always cooking up amazing dishes, always keeping your home spotless, always remembering everyone's birthdays, always having the right words to say (and knowing when to not say others), and always being a woman who makes her husband look good.

That kind of perfection is an idol. The only kind of perfection we should strive for is God's holiness, and even then Proverbs tells us to be excellent wives—not perfect—because only the blood of Christ can cover those ugly parts of our hearts that still remain. I know you have heard this before, but from the day the serpent deceived Eve in the garden, our hearts have been prone to such deception, and the greatest lies you will believe will come from yourself. Whether you think that you are not good enough for your husband or you think that you are a terrible wife at times, there is something that you have to know.

This marriage—this new creation—is not about you. Really, it is not even about your husband. It is about Christ. It has to be. If Paul said that it is better to be single, then the only lasting reason to marry (besides having children) is that you as a couple will better glorify Him than you would apart. In addition, all of your motivations have to come from Christ. 

Do you love Jordan because he is lovable? Because there are days that he will not be. You should love him because you find him lovely but also because God commanded you to have a loyal, steadfast love for your husband. Do you honor your husband because he is honorable? There are times that he will not be. You must honor him because you want to honor Christ. Remember Ephesians 5:22? "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." When you disrespect your husband, you disrespect the cross (how is that for perspective?). And then, when children come, you will be an ambassador to them. You represent Christ in their lives; when you tear down your husband, you can only imagine what that will do to their view of God. Besides, that is a terrible burden to place on this man who is pledging his life to you. He should never have to earn your love or respect; they should be given freely and without abandon.

I know that it is scary to think on how you will fail this man you are about to walk down the aisle to—to know that you will, in fact, fail each other on many occasions, and there is nothing that you can do about it. But please do not forget the beauty of this. As individuals and as two people made one, your weaknesses, your insufficiencies, and even your sin can be used for the glory of God. It is not those couples who hide all of their mistakes under a mask of self-righteousness that demonstrate Christ to the lost. It is those who humbly admit wrongs done and rejoice in the grace offered to them by their heavenly Father and by their husband or wife.

Be transparent. 

Be transparent with those around you. Obviously, your speech should be gracious, especially when it concerns your husband. But be open about how you have failed and how God is using that to mold you. Be transparent with your husband. You can talk and talk at him and never really share your heart with him. How can he love you as Christ loves the church if you do not take the time to really examine your heart and share your deepest desires with him? Learn each other's hearts, and find the path to unity that God has for you. Be transparent with God. Try not to run to your husband every time something is wrong, but run to God first. Share all the empty and ugly places of your heart with God (He already knows them anyway), and ask Him to fill them and replace them with His goodness. Hiding your sin will never make you a good wife.

Remember the bigger picture. 

A day, a week, a year...they will all be just one small part of the whole of your marriage. Even if you are not granted many years together, they are still a small part of eternity. Remember that His mercies are new every morning. So get up and try again the next day. Remember also that there are seasons in our lives; you will have dry times and times where it seems as though the blessings are overflowing. It all will pass, and you must stay grounded in the truth. Which leads me to plead with you:  study the Word. Do not let your Bible get dusty when life is busy. Do not speed through a chapter when you are tired and your pillow is calling. Do not miss those opportunities to soak in God's words to you! He has given you everything that you need for life and godliness—why would you ever ignore that?

For me, five years have passed since this day you are embarking upon. I will bet that you think I am well-seasoned by now, and I have it all mastered. Hardly! I can see that the adventure has just begun (hint: your first baby will be born exactly one week after your fifth anniversary!), and I have the best travel guides—a God who takes my hand and leads me step-by-step and a husband who holds me together when I fall apart.

There is so much more that I wish I could tell you. But, as I have now realized, only so much learning can come from books and the advice of others. You just have to hold your breath, jump in feet first, and trust that as you obey God, He will bring the increase in ways you could never imagine.

Happy wedding!

Conversations

Papa and Kieran like to have "man-to-man" talks.

Kieran gets excited when he gets to see Mama. And, let's face it, Mama turns into a total cheeseball. :D

Life As We Now Know It--Part Two

I am constantly reminded to be grateful.

I know that I don't deserve any of the gifts that I have been given.

It is such a temptation to hold on to those gifts tightly, fingers grasping at things I want to control. But God teaches us joy through letting go and trusting Him to hold us. Oh, how grateful I am for the everlasting arms that forever encircle me, carrying me through all my questions and all my failures, leading me to the greater good He has for me. I know the One who holds my heart and all that it contains--all those who fill it. "From His throne He observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do," Psalm 33:14-15.

Is that not one of the most amazing things that you have ever heard?! God formed my heart; therefore, He knows its longings--the good and the bad. Here is what has been on my heart this week:

Dear Angel,

This week would have been your six-month birthday. You might have been rolling over by now--such a big boy! I am sure that you would have been the center of attention at all gatherings. Your personality would be asserting itself in little ways, and we would be falling over ourselves just to get you to grin at us!

Now your brother is three-and-a-half months old. He loves life so much, as it takes very little to make him laugh or smile. He does this cute little quarter-roll, where he ends up awkwardly almost on his side. :) He sleeps through the night so well, and last night he even (accidentally) slept from 8:30 p.m. to 7:30 a.m. Kieran does tend to get cranky at nap time when other people are around because he does not want to miss a second of what's going on! Still, he is a very easygoing baby, and we do not in any way take that for granted. It seems as though he is cutting his first tooth, although we have no idea how long this will take. We love chewing on cold washcloths, though!

Angel baby, do you know that I think of you often? As I hold the precious baby I do have in my arms, I wonder how I will tell him about you. I wonder how I will tell him about Jesus, so that he can accept what He has done for him, and, among other things, he can meet you someday. I hope and pray that God will continue to use your little life to teach me and help me grow in grace. You are my inspiration. You never let me forget just how precious life is and the startling truth that I have no time to waste.

Asher Matthias, I hope you know just how much Mommy and Daddy love you! I pray that as time goes on, we can demonstrate that love to you by the kind of family that we grow and nurture. I have such a tiny grasp on what heaven will be like, but I do hope that we will one day have a reunion that will make me feel the completeness of our family. Maybe someday you can give me the grand tour...that does indeed bring a smile to this girl's face.

Praising God for you always,
Your loving mama

I always knew that a husband and wife are a family, but even within that coupling, there is so much room for autonomy. In this way, a baby truly does change everything. Kieran is not the center of our lives, but...I hardly know how to describe it. Not only is he a part of us, but he brings us together in a way nothing else could. He is our little motivator. :) I know that I have said this before, but I absolutely love God's plan for families. It will be difficult and stretching, but there is no better picture of the Gospel than the grace you see in marriages and families rooted and grounded in the love of Christ.

Life As We Now Know It--Part One

I once heard someone say, "With babies, the days go by slowly, but the weeks fly by." How true this is. My baby is 15 weeks old today. What is this life that I am living? How different it is than it was one year ago.

I have been back to work for five weeks now.

The. Hardest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Done.

Going through labor and recovering from surgery were not this hard. Learning to nurse a newborn and teaching him to eat well were not this hard. Running on little to no sleep--not this hard.

When I was 18, I remember thinking how great it would be, five years in the future, when I had everything figured out and my life was on the right track. Now, here I am, 10 years later, and I am still wondering. Oh, I know now more than ever that God has a plan and a purpose for me. The decisions just become more complicated as you weave more people into your life. First, I had my one-and-only to consider. Now, I have  this little gift that relies on me for so much.

Let's just be honest. I do not want to be in the workplace. I want to spend everyday with this little man who changes everyday. But I recognize that this is not what God wants for me--not just yet. Yes, He says that He will grant us the desires of our hearts. But not in our timing. This is not one of those desires that I believe He will change, making my heart desire what His heart does. I believe His heart does want me to at least be at home more than I am right now. But it is one that I believe He is telling me to wait on Him for.

What do I do while I'm waiting? I beg God, I plead with Him, to help me to desire Him more. I examine my love for my newly-changed family, and I ask Him to show me how I can love Him so deeply, so intensely, that my love for them looks like hatred in comparison. I give thanks, each and every day...continually. I recognize that He has given me more than I could ever deserve in His own perfect way. I trust that He is a Father who gives good gifts and does not withhold good from me. I remember that He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like his Son..." (Romans 8:28-29).

I look at this face, and I remember that the God who chose this perfectly imperfect little boy for us knew exactly what we would need to take care of him.

And He will provide.

Just look at this face!

{The Key to Life}

Time flies when you have a newborn (I was informed that I am allowed to call him a newborn until he hits the three-month mark)! Sadly, I return to work on Monday, so I have been soaking in plenty of Kieran time.

Seriously, this boy is growing like a weed!

Kieran got to see his doctor again for his two-month check-up! At two weeks, he was the same as at birth: 8 pounds, 2 ounces, and 21 inches long. Seven weeks later, he weighed in at 13 pounds, 3 ounces, and 23 3/4 inches long--that's a gain of 5 pounds, 1 ounce and 2 3/4 inches!!

It seems I need to play a little catch up:

Kieran at one month :)

My loverly friend, Bekah, took some photos for me!

Seven weeks

Eight weeks

Two months

Nine weeks

I made this onesie for him!

He is becoming quite the active little fellow! A couple of weeks ago, I went back and reread some portions of Babywise. Since he was becoming more awake and losing that newborn sleepiness, I realized that he would sleep from one feeding the next, then sometimes be awake for the whole time between feedings. This extended awake time would make him overtired and cranky; then he wouldn't eat well, and that could easily be a day-ruiner. Since he's generally a happy kiddo, I knew it was the tiredness doing it to him. Following the book's advice, I started keeping him awake after his feeding time and putting him down for a nap about an hour after he started feeding. This allows him to have a 90-minute to two-hour nap. 

After a couple of days, he started going down like a champ! Of course, he will fuss sometimes. And there is that pesky 45-minute intruder they talk about, where he will wake up in the middle of his nap for no reason at all. But we learned together, and he does so well when we are at home. Unfortunately, his alertness means that it is more difficult for him to fall asleep at the grocery store like he used to. Now he wants to look at everything, so planning trips with him during his nap time has gotten more tricky. Sometimes he will let me place a blanket over his head, but that is not something I can count on. :)

Kieran is fairly vocal now, and it is so much fun to coo at him and make funny sounds just to see him react. He has recently graduated to size two diapers and often downs five ounces of breast milk at his 7:30 p.m. feeding. For a few weeks now, he has been sleeping through the night a few days out of the week. Taking him up to the next size diaper at night really helped with that. The key has really been getting him to eat a good amount at 10:30 so he can hang on till morning. Last night, I think he had his first true dream feed, where he slept through the whole feeding--diaper change and all--only opening his eyes once or twice!

This is a long post, but I just want to add one more thing. I have been reading through Proverbs for the first time as a parent, and it has given me such a different perspective! I have always read it as a child who needs to listen to the wisdom of my parents and mentors. Now, I can see the perspective of the parent who longs to help their child navigate through the world--warning them of the dangers and temptations they will face and urging them to seek wisdom and to treasure God and His Word. When I think of how desperately I long for my son to accept Christ and to choose Him every time the opportunity arises, I am blown away by how I know my Heavenly Father must long for me to consistently choose what He wants for me. What would be the exponent on that? How can I ignore such perfect fatherly devotion? How can I forget the closeness that He offers to me?

"Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them, for they are the key to life." --Proverbs 4:13