Thoughts

I am discouraged that:

• Contrary to what I thought before, my body is still going through some things that keep reminding me of what has happened.
• People keep telling me that it was "a fluke", that my body was getting rid of something that was "not right", or that at least I know I can get pregnant and "next time it will happen." (I know people are trying to be comforting. I am not angered by this...just discouraged by these statements.)
• (I am so excited for my friends who are growing healthy babies inside of them--I cannot wait to meet them!) It just saddens me that they get to hit all those milestones--12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, and so on--while I am left behind at eight.
• I feel like crying less each day. That's good, right? ...Except that I feel guilty that I can move on and start returning to normal.
• There is no physical closure. No casket. No funeral. Just my memories....

I am encouraged by:

• Grace...grace...God's grace..................................................
• Knowing that SO many people are praying for us--I experience the result of them everyday.
• Notes, messages, calls, and texts. I feel overwhelmed by compassion and mercy.
• Acknowledgment. You do not know how much it means to be validated. To have our pain recognized as real, not brushed aside as a clinical response to a physical malady.
• John 11, especially verse 4:   "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."
• So many other songs, verses, and words of encouragement I have received.
• Knowing many strong women and families have gone before me and experienced what I am experiencing now.
• A heart that is buoyed  by love--the wide, long, high, and deep love of Jesus...experiencing "the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully" (Ephesians 3). The faithful love of my best earthly friend who holds me, cries with me, listens to me, prays with and for me, and feeds me Chinese food. The love of our parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. Thank you.
• Joy and hope for the future.

When There Just Aren't Enough Words

Sometimes, words do not do justice to how we feel. 

Sad.

Broken.

Empty.

When even crying seems like a hollow expression of how you truly feel or of what the situation deserves.

To my great joy and disbelief, Memorial Day weekend, I discovered that Jordan and I were pregnant. Pregnant! I had a little baby growing inside of me. A baby that I did not ask for, did not plead God for, did not spend time daydreaming would come. I had told God that I would be content in whatever circumstances we were in, and He was helping me be true to that. I liked our life.

But, oh...if He wanted us to have a baby, then who was I to argue? If His timing could surprise me, then I love surprises! I went into my extreme planning mode, and quickly thought how I could tell my husband of four years that he was going to be a father. I decided to go back to the beginning:  five years ago, this July, Jordan asked me to marry him in the dusky twilight at a lighted swinging bridge. Five years ago, he gave me a ring as a sign of his sincerity and a promise to indeed make me his wife. I wanted to take him back to this place where we had one of our beginnings. To make him walk me through what he did, what he was thinking, what made him nervous. Then, right where it all started for us, I wanted to get down on my knee, and nervously ask Jordan if he was ready to start a family with me because he was going to be a daddy!

This seemed like the perfect plan, so a few days later I sent off his wedding ring for some engraving. I wanted it to say:  One hope. One life. One family. 

A week-and-a-half they said. That is how long you will have to wait for your husband's ring. That is how long you will have to hold this secret inside of you, just like you hold this baby inside of you. And, while I was bursting at the seams, I had an appointment to find out when my baby was expected to enter into the world--another thing I could tell him during our special moment!

Friday, June 3rd, I got to see my Little One. I saw the sparkle of its heart beating and heard the fast-paced whooshing of those beats. Oh, the tears of joy that came when I realized that the God of the universe had begun to form a real person inside of me! Seven weeks and three days! That is how old my baby was already--I could not believe we were that far along.

Yesterday, the ring finally came in. It was perfect. It said everything I wanted it to say, perfectly summing up the vision I saw for our family. Only...I wasn't so sure our family was going to be three anymore. I had had a lot of pain over the last few days, pain that reached its crescendo early Friday morning at about 3:00 a.m. When I woke up, I felt like I just knew. Knew that it was just me. No one was sharing my body any more. 

I had an ultrasound late that morning to see what happened. Thankfully, I was okay--nothing scary on that end.  However, the very nice ultrasound technician confirmed my thoughts and feelings. Eight weeks and three days. That is as far as my baby made it. Eight weeks...such a very short time; yet, a lifetime for my Little One.

How do you describe the emptiness? The destruction of hopes and dreams? Plans made...gone. How do you tell your husband that he was going to be a dad, and in the same moment tell him his baby is gone? Ineffectually, I guess. Everything about this situation makes me feel ineffectual and confused. On the one hand, I am relieved that I finally get to share the last few weeks with my other half. I am relieved that my pain is gone and my body feels good again. I am relieved to just know how things turned out, when the last few days, in the back of my mind, I had already started preparing myself for this possibility--battling between hope and despair. On the other hand, I am angry at myself for being relieved. For making my stupid, stupid plans that forced me to tell Jordan everything in the span of an hour. And angry, too, at my body for betraying me and not letting me do the one thing I wanted to:  protect my child.

The whole situation is confusing. How can I grieve openly when no one knows I have anything to grieve about? One thing is sure:  I never, ever want to pretend like it did not happen. It did happen. I will always, always remember. That is why I want to get this all out--all at once. Rip the band-aid off. Cleanse the open wound.

The name of God I was going to write about next was Jehovah-Rapha, The Lord My Healer. 

God knew. 

"Rapha means 'to restore', 'to heal' or 'to make healthful' in Hebrew. ...Jehovah is the Great Physician who heals the physical and emotional needs of His people." After much traveling in the wilderness and complaints  from the Israelites, God reveals Himself to them in Exodus 15 as their Healer. In Hosea 11, God said this of Israel:

When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols. Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.

Even when we are faithless, He is faithful to heal us! If there are two things that are clearer to me now then ever before, it is that, one, I love my husband more than I ever have or could have thought possible. I rejoice and am thankful that he is simply amazing, and we are two pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle that fit perfectly together. And, two, God is near me. He is everything to me. He loves me--and my child--more than I will ever be able to comprehend. He is The Lord My Healer.

On My Heart Today

Trusting in all things...and this song.

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Who is God to You?

"Is He your Most High God, All-sufficient One, Master, Lord of Peace, the Lord Who Will Provide? Is He your Father? We must be careful not to make God into an 'it' or a 'thing' to which we pray. He is our Jehovah Raah, the Lord our Shepherd. God knows us by our name, shouldn't we know Him by His" (Source)?

The sad truth is that many people want a God that fits their lives, not a life that's fit for God. So often I hear people say, "Well, my God would never do that" or "My God is too loving for that." The funny thing is, do they know how irreverent that is?

My God cannot be contained by me. That's why He's not really "mine" in an ownership sense, just "mine" in a relationship sense--like my husband or my best friend. I know I cannot change my husband into someone that he is not. How many sappy movies have had their conflict based on that venture? So, why do people think they can mold God into Someone that suits their needs? He is who He is...yesterday, today, and forever. One of His best attributes, in my mind, is that He is unchanging. I was reading a book recently where the author quoted someone who said that the Word of God is malleable--flowing like a current with our culture and the needs of society. If that were the case, how could we have any belief or trust? Where would our assurance be if the God we follow today might not be the same One tomorrow?

That's why today we are going to look at one of the most basic--yet powerful--names of God:  Yahweh.

Yahweh (technically, YHWH), or Jehovah,  occurs over 6,000 times in the Old Testament. It is often translated as "Lord" or "God". And, while I don't want to get too scholarly here, it's pretty complicated in it's meaning. Most often, it is related to Exodus 3, where Moses asks, "If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' what shall I say to them?" God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'I AM has sent me to you.'" Yahweh is thought to carry the meaning of "he who causes to exist" or "who gives life"; it could also mean "he who is, who exists".

God is self-existent. Unlike the rest of us, He relies on no one else for His being. In fact, He is indeed our source of life. And He's complicated. I like that about Him. :) No, he is not complicated in the facebook status sort of way. He is multi-faceted like a beautiful diamond--look at Him through a different circumstance and you might see something you've never seen before.

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Falling in Love All Over Again

Last month, I was able to attend a couple of weddings for some really great friends. I like to listen to the pastor or whomever is marrying the couple and see what challenge there is for me in my marriage. At both occasions, I was definitely challenged on the topic of sacrificial love. Someone I know often says, "We say that we believe in unconditional love until we actually have to do something without any hope of return or favor." If I ever want to look to an example of unconditional, sacrificial love, I, of course, have to look no further than Christ.

What He did for me--for all of us--on the cross was and is the greatest expression of love, submission, devotion, obedience, grace, and mercy that has ever occurred. Indeed, "there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written" (John 21:25). And this was just while He was on earth.

I am sure of God's love for me. I have endless reassurances from Him that His love will never fail, that it will uphold me, and that nothing can ever separate me from it--even myself. What I doubt...what I'm not so sure of is my love. I am a pretty faithless creature. I have been known to have spiritual amnesia and forget all that has been done for me. My lips say God loves me and He is Lord of my life, but my life often sings another tune. 

When I think back to how God wooed me (yes, "wooed", because He drew me to His side and away from what would compete for my heart), I think about how He allowed me to know Him. As in any new relationship, He slowly revealed one facet after another of Himself at a rate He knew I could handle; however, unlike any other relationship I have been in, He also peeled away the layers of my sinful heart to show me what He had designed it to look like.

The summer after my junior year of high school, I went to a Christian camp. I was a fairly new Christian for the most part, and I think I still had a pretty historical view of God. Yes, I knew that He saved me and He loved me, but beyond that, I felt like I knew Him like I know the president of the United States. In the evenings at camp, we focused on the different names of God from the Old Testament; every night was a different name, and the artistic campers made banners to hang from the ceiling in the chapel with those names on them.

Over the next few weeks, I want to take time to focus on those different names of God. I want to remember how I fell more and more in love with God as I learned the vast depth of Him. I still cannot wrap my head around the sheer vastness of Him! If He is infinitely loving, then He is also infinitely wise, merciful, gracious......and the list goes on and on. 

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